This is going to be goofy. But I'm writing this on a lazy Sunday morning, and I need my coffee and I don't have any, and I'm not willing to get one from the corner deli. Suck it, Hernandez.

A word about okcupid contacts: If I sent you a wink instead of a message here's the reason: my thoughtfulness, intelligence, humor, charm, and winning good looks have too many women falling all over themselves for me. You can see that, right? Right. And I need to get a handle on things. So a wink is my way of saying I'll give you a chance. Maybe.

Ok, ok, let's be serious for a minute. (One minute I can handle.) From what I hear, women (or at least those with the best photos) are swamped with messages. And there's a good chance mine will just get lost in the plethora of others. So a wink means I thought you're interesting and intelligent --and I probably thought you're real pretty too -- and would've written if I thought there's a good chance you'd respond. As awesome as you probably are (and I'm sure you really are), I don't have something witty and interesting to say for every interesting profile. So read my profile and wink back if you're interested and I'll write you something supremely meaningful, maybe even a poem one day, or I'll ghost-write your memoir or something. We'll have your people speak to my people and we'll work it out.

Now a little bit about me:

I'm an intellectual who's never had an education. Long story. I'll tell it to you after I get approval from my therapist. Which means I have to go out and find a therapist, which I hear is expensive, but if your daddy's rich, I'm sure we can work something out.

I love languages; I'm a wordphile (and no, that's not a real word but it should be).

I used to have something here about being great at scrabble. Then I realized half of okcupid members seem to say the same thing. Which makes all mention of it meaningless. But still, I'm pretty good at it.

Speaking of board games, I'm not good at chess. There, I said it. I can barely think one move ahead, let alone three, four, or seventeen.

I'm a romantic at heart, but I'm also into having plain old fun. I can enjoy deep intellectual conversation, a fun day at an amusement park, letting loose at a party or a club, and taking long walks in the woods.

I have a wonderful circle of friends, and family members who mean the world to me. The two things I value most are: loyalty, and boundless compassion.

I'm down to earth. I know, it's hard to believe, right? I'm so smart and funny and good looking, that I must have a chip on my shoulder the size of Mt. Everest. I don't. It's only about the size of the Appalachians, a small mountain region along the eastern coast that I've done some hiking on, and let me tell you, they should call it a "hill region." You ever tried climbing the Popolopen Torne in Harriman State Park? I have. 1500 feet of almost vertical cliff, but it ain't no skin off my back. Try harder, mother nature.

Occupation: Systems Analyst / Computer programmer.

I write software for a living, but creative work is my passion. I write stories, poetry, essaysand anything else that allows verbal creativity. All of it self-published, because publishers think the world isn't ready for my kind of genius. But they will be soon, I've been assured.

Writing stuff. And conversing about deep philosophical bullshit that has no relevance on our day to day lives. I also have a great memory. I remember lots of random facts.

I consider myself a good judge of personality, and have good insight into human behavior. I guess I have something of the psychologist in me.

I'm good at studying, acquiring all kinds of knowledge, and overanalyzing everything. I'm a total autodidact; never had much opportunity for formal study, but was always a voracious reader and I consider myself pretty well educated. In fact, I believe I deserve an honorary Ph.D. from somewhere for all my self-taught knowledge, but that's still being worked on.

I seem reserved to people who don't know me. I'm really not, but you'll only get to know me if we have the right chemistry. I used to joke: I'm not shy, just aloof. But really, I'm neither. Just need to be in the right situation for others to get to know me.

My all-time favorite book is: Pippi Longstocking. (What? Did I say something wrong?)

Other, less exciting favorites...

Fiction: God Knows (Joseph Heller), Trainspotting (Irvine Welsh), Dork Whore (Iris Bahr), My Name is Asher Lev (Chaim Potok), Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger), My Life in Heavy Metal (Steve Almond), Everything is Illuminated (Jonathan Safran Foer), Getting Even (Woody Allen)

Non-Fiction: The Mother Tongue (Bill Bryson), On Writing (Stephen King), Who Wrote the Bible (Richard Eliot Friedman)

Misc: Best-American Nonrequired Reading (all years; they're all great)

Authors: Woody Allen, Bill Bryson, Arthur Nersessian, Charles Bukowski, Philp Roth, Steve Almond, Etgar Keret, Garrison Keillor, Isaac Bashevis Singer, Sholom Aleichem

Poetry: Allen Ginsberg, Robert Frost, Shel Silverstein, Charles Bukowski, and Garrison Keillor

Just to get it out of the way: I don't like Vonnegut, have had too much of David Sedaris, and am only occasionally amused by Neil Gaiman.

Favorite Music: Richard Elliot, George Benson, Chris Botti, Sting, Bob Marley, Stevie Wonder, Sade, Eminem, Black Eyed Peas

Favorite TV Shows: Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Sopranos, The Wire, Rome, Flight of the Conchords, Entourage, Da Ali G Show, Def Poetry, Mad Men, B'tipul (Israeli)

Favorite Movies: The Big Lebowski, Factotum, All or Nothing, Nina's Tragedies, Seeing Other People, Do the Right Thing, Burn After Reading

Books, clean clothes, pen and notepad, friends, contact lenses, my irreverence.

sex. Just kidding. (Well, not really; I just want you to think I am.)

I also agonize over concepts like "existence precedes essence" (Jean Paul Sartre), and whether there really is external reality (Kantian shit, etc.) Stuff that, like, really doesn't matter, but I just can't help it.

Also, whether any of the big questions are worth pondering (the purpose of the universe, the origin of life, why the milk in my fridge has gone sour), or are we doomed to never knowing the answers, so let's all just go party and have a good time.

out with friends. Or not. There's no such thing as typical.

Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, because I'm tired of throwing people off after we've hung out a few times. I was raised ultra-Hasidic. Yes, the whole weird curly sidelocks thing (they made me look super cute as a kid though, at least according to my mom), the big black hat, the nutty accent, the no-secular-education-whatsoever-thing, and all the craziness that goes along with it. If that freaks you out, please do move on. But if you're curious about it, feel free to ask more.

(I guess that explains the lack of education mentioned earlier. Kudos to you for reading this far.)

I messaged or winked at you. But you can always message me first if...

you're pretty (goes without saying); you have a sense of style; you're no taller than 5'6" (don't like girls taller than me, even if only when wearing heels -- I'm 5'9"); you enjoy walking through art galleries and dissing the art you think is crap (sometimes literally) even if everyone else raves about it; you don't mind dissing the New Yorker (or at least don't mind that I do); you hate pretentious people but are pretentious yourself; you enjoy being with an aspiring writer who dreams of making it big but in the meantime slaves away writing software code to help corporations make money; you don't take yourself too seriously; you want to spend a night making love under the stars, and then laugh the next day at how sappy and cliched it was, but still love the memory of it; and you're pretty (even if only you think so).

And, of course, if you find my background intriguing rather than weird--or worse. (See above.)

I know it's a big list. I'm picky. But for you I'll make an exception if you're missing a quality or two. Or even if you're missing all of them, but still think you're awesome.