If I were willing to admit it here...(I've noticed a lot of people
use that line. But honestly, I came up with it myself.)
Hold on. I just thought of something fairly innocuous. I could
on soy sauce. And burnt cheese. And cold,
leftover chicken. But not all at once. Also, occasionally, I like a
tablespoon of mayonnaise
(dry), too. Again, not in combination. And not too
I know every Arby's
between Brooklyn and Rochester.
(NY & NY respectively)
I wear colored underpants
I can't eat less than three Mallomars at a time.
I'm a very religious, but not at all spiritual person. Yeah, it's
all about those crazy little rites for me. Baby.
There have been times when I have lusted after teriy
aki in my
heart. Forgive me, soy sauce.
I have no Mallomar ceiling.
I just hate the smell and feel of paper books. That nauseating
stench, that disgusting tactile sensation. But reading online? Omg,
I just put my face up against the screen...grab that
I can't quite determine what exactly it is that makes a dog a
terrier. What exactly does this
little hydrant sniffer have in common with
proud feller, other than their shared
caninity? Yet, there they are. Terriers
Sometimes - maybe 15% of the time - I feel that the only reason I
ate a meal was so I could shove a hunk of chocolate in my mouth
When I'm not actually
over, I'm playing it over and over in my mind.
Hmm. That might have been the wrong link. It's possible I meant
if you're clicking either one, anyway. I know links suck. DON'T
I stopped watching Game of Thrones after they killed off Ned Stark
in the ninth episode. Because really, wtf?
Yes, right, it's from a book. Or ten. I'm aware. I didn't read
them. Change it for HBO. Do you think the audience would have
stayed with the Sopranos if Tony had gotten knocked off in episode
I don't know if I've ever parboiled anything. I may have; I just
One more thing (yeah, right): If you are entering or exiting some
edifice, and I am more than thirty-five feet behind you, do me a
favor and DON'T hold the door for me. The pressure to hurry up and
honor your courtesy is just one more thing that I don't need
Plus, you're just gonna casually let go of that door when I'm about
four feet back, anyway. You think I don't know what you're up to
with that move? Eat me, premature doorholder.
How does one determine when sour cream has gone bad?
When something is said to have been debunked, it's been proven to
be......bunk. Right? So why the de
prefix? Applying that
linguistic logic would have guys saying things such as, "I'd really
like to debone that young lady right there." Yet, I'm not hearing
that. Unless I've missed it.
I thought of something today while driving that I wanted to add
here, but I didn't write it down, and now it's gone from my brain.
OH! I REMEMBER! So, it goes like this:
Hey Twentysomethings, or basically everyone half my age or less.
Here's a bit of news. You didn't discover cupcakes. Especially Red
Velvet. Or zombies. Or fucking bacon. So would you mind giving it a
rest for a few minutes? Hmm?
Ok, maybe you DID discover Red Velvet. But the rest? Zip it.
Never. Get. Old.
Hey, why hasn't the actress
who played Lily
in that found-footage horror flick,
, gotten a lot of parts since then? She
was great! And so hot.
Please don't pre-thank me for anything. It will more than likely
disincentivize me from doing whatever it is you're trying to get me
to do with your passive-aggressive approach. Thank you.
When the hell did this section become my blog? Two hundred lines
up? Yeah. I guess. Well, it's too late now.
Is it wrong that I would like for the next news story I hear that
starts with the words, "The Reverend Al Sharpton..." to end with
the words, "has been struck by lightning, and is a vegetable."
I regret never having seen Neil
Young perform live. I hope I get to do
that some day. What? I can't pass a straight comment?
The girl I'm "seeing" pocket dials me more often than she
intentionally dials me.
I recently switched back to chunky peanut butter after having been
on smooth for many years, and now I'm wondering what it was that
made me leave the fold in the first place. Was it because I'd
gotten married, or could there have been some other external
factor, like a dental issue? Or was I just out of my fucking
I think this
would have made me cry even if I weren't
(wasn't? Help me, Grammar Girl.) sleep deprived when I watched
Am I supposed to have read A Prayer for Owen Meany
Because I think you should know that I haven't.
Freddie Scott, I'm not sure if I'm familiar with the entirety of
your oeuvre (or if you even have one), but you fucking nailed it
Okay, I have one rule. Just one. Do not
put chocolate in the
fridge. I don't care if we just took a co-op in Death Valley, and
it's 131° in the shade; leave that Lindt on the counter. Those
Hershey's Kisses are now a fast-flowing molten river? Totally fine
with that. What's that, Babe? You say I'll need a straw to eat my
Ghirardelli? Good. Ask me how I feel about this Cadbury's change of
phase to a plasma state.......I LIKE IT LIKE THAT, HONEY.
I don't want a cold, hard chocolate bar. Everything else is open to
Excuse me, God, but did You make a rather heavy-handed attempt to
prove Your existence to me, or did I just not use this
As a comedy sexist, it would really bother me that this
has finally, I must concede, surpassed me as a humorist
(yeah, I know, stop the parade), were it not for the fact that
we're longtime site friends. Which means we've never actually
Which sucks, because I'd totally hit that. Yes. Even with that
I cannot believe
the amount of footwear I have purchased
online. Who am I, and what have I become?
I've got $10 for anyone who accidentally knocks Bob Costas's teeth
down his throat.
great song SoundHounded in a McD's. Last week it was this mellow
number with the catchy refrain.
Way to go, fast food ceiling speaker.
was a good-looking man!
Coney Islander. Jew. Rock n Roll Animal
It's possible I just posted the LEAST private things about myself
I'm willing to admit here. Least private. Fuck does that even
. I need.