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26 M Columbus, OH

My Details

Last Online
Today – 8:21pm
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Mostly vegetarian
Agnosticism, but not too serious about it
Scorpio, but it doesn’t matter
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids, but wants them
English (Poorly)

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My self-summary
I'm a sarcastic, neurotic, self-deprecating, misanthropic curmudgeon but I try to have a sense of humor and be kind about it. I don't make complete sense to me either.


I'm a poor man's version of Larry David, Chuck Klosterman, Bill Simmons mashed together into a 25 year old severely underachieving midwesterner.

I think all people are good. Bad actions exist but bad people do not. Having said that, people are the worst sometimes.

It would be neat to have a one-on-one conversation with each of the world’s 7 billion people.

I always use my turn signal and put the cap back on the toothpaste. I like to think of myself as forgiving and open-minded and tolerant, but if you haven't established these habits, I'm afraid we can't be friends.

I feel embarrassed for people with vanity license plates.

I like the dentist, traffic, picking up dog poop, bad luck and anything that helps me to realize how irrational my frustrations are. I like reminders that the world is bigger than me and doesn't care what I want.

99% of people I know think I’m “laid-back.” This is true to a point but I also get back spasms that are so bad I can’t move and I have to take muscle relaxants that make me a lifeless zombie. I'm actually a super tense person.

I love sports. I don’t like sports like most people in that I don’t watch games in bars or wear jerseys and scream. I enjoy this sometimes but I prefer to be a much bigger dork about it. I read stat heavy sites like FootballOutsiders and BasketballProspectus. John Hollinger on is a hero. I have been to a conference hosted by MIT called the Sports Analytics Conference to meet GMs and analysts who are real-life versions of Jonah Hill’s character in Moneyball. If within the next 10-15 years, there hasn't been a well-researched book written about Kobe Bryant, I'm going to quit my job and write it myself. I'm pretty sure I'm a Kobe-hater but I'm reserving judgement until I read a great book about him.
What I’m doing with my life
Struggling, watching Netflix and sports, writing, meditating, exercising, yoga, reading.
I’m really good at
It says more about me that my initial response to this prompt is to make a face, roll my eyes and say nothin'
The first things people usually notice about me
Hopefully nothing. I grow on people slowly and I like it that way. I hope I’m not boring but if some people think that’s the opposite of noticeable then fuck it.

Some people notice that I’m kind of nice, kind of smart, and I can be funny sometimes.
I usually have bad haircuts.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Attempting to be selective and diverse: Paul Simon, Tom Waits, Johnny Cash, Leonard Cohen, Cat Stevens, Billy Joel, R.E.M., Beck, Outkast, The Black Keys, Wilco, Matt & Kim, Regina Spektor, Fiona Apple, Norah Jones, Mouse Rat

Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, and Ke$ha all belong here too because I'm a human with pulse.

Movies up my alley: Cool Hand Luke, Annie Hall, 12 Angry Men, Vertigo, Hoosiers, Good Will Hunting, Shawshank Redemption, Almost Famous, The Big Lebowski, Little Miss Sunshine, Stranger Than Fiction

Recent movies I really liked: 127 Hours, Drive, 50/50, Our Idiot Brother, Cedar Rapids, I Love You Man, The Wrestler, No Country for Old Men, The Muppets

Seinfeld, Curb, Stewart, Colbert, Louie, Parks and Rec, Arrested Development, Flight of the Chonchords, Chappelle's Show, The Larry Sanders Show, Always Sunny, Freaks and Geeks, MILF Island, Bitch Hunter

Dane Cook, Chelsea Handler and Family Guy are not funny. Period. Inarguable.

The Wire, Breaking Bad, Mad Men

I'm working my way through Friday Night Lights and Parenthood because Jimmy V told me I should cry each day.

Catch-22, Franny and Zooey, Lolita, The Dharma Bums, Brave New World, The Trial, The Stranger, Infinite Jest(I'm modest enough to feel uncomfortable putting this book on here, but definitely pretentious enough to include it)

If I meet a woman who has read at least 2 of the following sports books, she'll get an offer to be wife #1:

Sacred Hoops, Friday Night Lights, The Last Shot, Life on the Run, Season on the Brink, Breaks of the Game, Playing for Keeps, Loose Balls, Moneyball

I also really like thinking about things that I have yet to consume but I’m pretty sure I’ll find worthwhile. I have yet to read Proust or Chekhov or many others and this excites me. I also like that I’m young and there will definitely be more cool shit created in my lifetime. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff out there to appreciate.

I really like good apples.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
"What the fuck is wrong with you people?"

^This thought bubble could be added above my head at least 5 times per day.

I think about how I would raise a happy, healthy, productive, and compassionate kid. You only have so much time and energy to spend raising children. You can only instill so many values and teach so many skills and perspectives. Say it’s impossible to raise a perfect kid who knows everything, what goes at the top of my priority list? What if raising an industrious, energetic, passionate kid prevents raising a patient/open-minded/even-tempered kid? What other tradeoffs might exist? What’s worth teaching and what’s best to let them learn on their own?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have severe hemorrhoids.

Boobs gross me out.

I'm desperate.

If you were somebody who writes home about penises, you wouldn't write home about mine. Nothin' special.

I'm a bedwetter.

My fears include death, public speaking, failure, elderly, public transportation, success, Bears(Grizzly, Teddy, Panda, markets, Chicago), public restrooms, public nudity, public displays of affection, public service announcements, germs, heights, depths, lengths
I’m looking for
  • Everybody
  • Ages 20–35
  • Near me
  • For new friends
You should message me if
Message me if anything at all caught your eye. Observations, complaints, praise. Do it.

Message me if you want to whine about or rage against something. I love a good rant.

I have zero interest in dating you or sticking my P-Bomb in your V-bomb.