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JohnnyArteestic

26 San Antonio, TX Man

Man

I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 19–28
  • Near me
  • For new friends

My Details

Last Online
Online now!
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
Hispanic / Latin, White
Height
6′ 0″ (1.83m)
Body Type
Thin
Diet
Mostly anything
Smokes
Sometimes
Drinks
Rarely
Drugs
Never
Religion
Atheism, and laughing about it
Sign
Cancer, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from university
Job
Retired
Income
More than $1,000,000
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Pets
Likes dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Welcome! Come on in! Don't be shy! Kick your shoes off and grab a beer! Don't like beer? Here, have a brownie! Don't like brownies? Shit... then I don't even know if I want you to come inside any more. I mean, who doesn't like brownies right? I'll tell you who. The commies. They hated brownies. This is America, dammit. I don't know about you, but my thongs are red white and blue. If you wear any black thongs, then you are anti-American. It's okay though, I can help you. Just let me have all your thongs, and I will dispose of them for you. That's just the type of guy I am. I'm here to help.

Well, I guess I should say some things about myself. I like short walks on the beach. I sometimes have sex to Nine Inch Nails. Sometimes. Sometimes Pandora slips in a little Rob Zombie, and I'm not the type to break my stride just to hit the skip button on the ipod. If we find ourselves suddenly boning to 'Living Dead Girl', then so be it. Those 3-ish minutes will be over soon enough, and then we can continue to happily hump to 'Closer' until 'Bodies' by Drowning Pool inevitably starts to play, and it goes back to being uncomfortable. Unless Drowning Pool turns you on, of course. I mean, that's your deal. I don't judge.

I think vitamin gummies are the greatest invention since the vaginal contraceptive film. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly wild and crazy I will take an extra fish oil gummy because they taste like delicious mango, and two just aint enough. I also clean my face with an olive oil/castor oil concotion that I keep in a cleaned out softsoap dispenser next to the bath tub. Seriously. Try it. It works. It'll make your face as soft and smooth as a baby's ass. Acne-free for 4 years and counting, bitches.

I enjoy the ren faire more than I probably should. I'm always on the lookout for new little things to add to my costumes. I grow my hair out for months just for the occasion. If you've never been to the faire, then whaddafucks wrong witchu? Go. Right now. Find a ren faire, dress up, and have yourself an adventure. I'll be awaiting your report, and I'm expecting a hell of a story. Preferably with boobs. Actually, forget the story. Just come back with boobs.

Why are boobs so delightful, anyway? I don't know. I mean, I DO know. Fertility, reproduction, blah blee blah blah. I get that. I understand why they are sexy. But, why do they make me happy, like a child petting a puppy for the first time? I can't see boobies, and not immediately feel all giddy and smiley on the inside. I just want to pet one and giggle. Not even in any kind of sexual way. I just want to play with them like happy little balloons of wonder and magic. Haven't you ever just played with your boobies for fun? Like, just jiggled them or squeezed them while making goofy sound effects, and then laughed hysterically on your bed? "Womp womp" (squeezes boobies) Of course you've done this. Every girl has done this. And every boyfriend has seen them do this, and joined them in the boob squeezing/sound effect shenanigans.

Some people have told me that I am metrosexual. To that, I say fuck you. I'm not metrosexual, I'm just effeminately manly. So I don't like smelling like old ball sweat and axe body spray, so what. So I "occasionally" sprinkle bath salts into lavender scented bubble baths, I don't give a fuuuuck. Bitch, I smell delicious. If smelling like lavender is wrong, then I don't wanna be right. I trim my nipple hair because I don't want to look like a yeti when I'm naked. Sue me. I can't shave them because it's a tender area and I want to avoid razor burn. Plus, they get itchy and I'd rather not have to constantly scratch them. Stubbly, red, swollen, scratched nipples aren't sexy, okay? Trust me, I've been there and done that. Never again, I say. Ladies, I won't claim to know your shaving pains, but I will say that I understand. And take my word for it when I say that we don't care much for your razor burned, swollen, bumpy, red vaginas either. It rubs us like sandpaper, and then we both have swollen red crotches. A simple trim will work fine. Just set the electric razor to its lowest setting, and do a clean once-over. A little bit of fuzz is okay if it's kept neat. Your vagina has rules similar to the rules you give us with our beards. A little hair is sexy, but you don't want to bone a homeless lumberjack, right? Meet us halfway. I'll keep my beard trimmed and sexy if you do the same with your cooter. Everybody wins.

What kinds of things do I adore? I enjoy music. I appreciate a good pun. Interesting stories shared in the company of friends are much more entertaining than anything on TV. I will never waste money on myself, unless it tastes amazing. Good food will always be my weakness. I like stand up comedy. I often attend open mic night at local comedy clubs when I get the chance, and yes, sometimes I get up there and present my own material.

If I just so happened to tickle your fancy, then don't hesitate to message me. Who knows, maybe I'll grace you with my presence. Let's go to the park and play on the swings. Let's watch stars while sitting in the cool grass, and talk about the most embarrassing times of our lives. I'm a simple man with simple pleasures. Sometimes the smallest things end up being the most influential. These are the kinds of moments I live for.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I write. I create. I make websites a little more pleasurable to look at, for a modest price. I teach when I get the chance. I work hard to make a decent living, and I never find myself in need of material things. I do what I can to make the most of my life. Any questions? Feel free to ask.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Drawing, writing, loving, and biting.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My tits.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: The Name of the Wind, Napalm and Silly Putty, The God Delusion, The Blade Itself, When Will Jesus Bring The Porkchops?, Acacia

Movies: The Big Lebowski, Tucker and Dale VS Evil, Pulp Fiction, Shaolin Soccer, V for Vendetta, Shaun of the Dead, Spirited Away, High Fidelity

Shows: Penn and Teller: Bullshit!, Boondocks, Game of Thrones, Clone High, House, Heroes, Breaking Bad, Mythbusters, Adventure Time, Rocko's Modern Life, The Adventures of Pete and Pete

Music: Pink Floyd, Gorillaz, Aerosmith, Daft Punk, Dream Theater, Kid Cudi, Nine Inch Nails, Weird Al Yankovic, Guns N' Roses, Alice in Videoland, ZZ Top, The Beatles, Flogging Molly, Rush, Rammstein, Tenacious D, Incubus, The Doors, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Food: Anything and everything. For reals. I'm not picky. Like, at all.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1. Manly bubble baths.
2. Music
3. Interesting company and good conversation.
4. This cursed phone.
5. Waking up to the smell of bacon. Who doesn't enjoy this? Vegetarians? What smell do they wake up to? Certainly not sizzling bacon. Sizzling tofu perhaps?
6. The freedom to bitch and whine and moan and cry and scream and complain about things that I can't change until your ears bleed. God bless America.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Oh, you know, life n' shit.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Going out and having fun with some friends. Where? Who knows.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My manly bubble baths.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Message me if you want to. Simple as that. Fair warning. If we chat and I randomly stop replying, it's probably because I've learned enough about you to assume that you are kind of a dick. Sometimes it's cute, don't get me wrong. I can totally deal with a mild dickishness. But when you are being a full on throbbing cock, I will ignore you. I have a dick of my own to deal with. I do not need to abide another one. Girls, being a rude bitch may not deter loser nutsacks who will desperately kiss your ass for sex, but it will deter me. I don't need or want you. Treat others with respect regardless of their gender and have some goddamned humility, will ya? I promise I will do the same for you.

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