Butterfinger BB's are great. Remember those? If you don't remember Butterfinger BB's, then you are too young for me. I don't need any of what you are selling. Unless what you are selling are girl scout cookies. Actually, even then, I don't want any. Keebler now makes "Coconut Dreams," which are just less expensive Samoas. Did you know that? You do now.
Well, I guess I should say some things about myself. I like short walks on the beach. I sometimes have sex to Nine Inch Nails. Sometimes. Sometimes Pandora slips in a little Rob Zombie, and I'm not the type to break my stride just to hit the skip button on the ipod. If we find ourselves suddenly boning to 'Living Dead Girl', then so be it. Those 3-ish minutes will be over soon enough, and then we can continue to happily hump to 'Closer' until 'Bodies' by Drowning Pool inevitably starts to play, and it goes back to being uncomfortable. Unless Drowning Pool turns you on, of course. I mean, that's your deal. I don't judge.
I think vitamin gummies are the greatest invention since the vaginal contraceptive film. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly wild and crazy I will take an extra fish oil gummy because they taste like delicious mango, and two just aint enough. I also clean my face with an olive oil/castor oil concotion that I keep in a cleaned out softsoap dispenser next to the bath tub. Seriously. Try it. It works. It'll make your face as soft and smooth as a baby's ass. Acne-free for 4 years and counting, bitches.
I enjoy the ren faire more than I probably should. I'm always on the lookout for new little things to add to my costumes. I grow my hair out for months just for the occasion. If you've never been to the faire, then whaddafucks wrong witchu? Go. Right now. Find a ren faire, dress up, and have yourself an adventure. I'll be awaiting your report, and I'm expecting a hell of a story. Preferably with boobs. Actually, forget the story. Just come back with boobs.
Why are boobs so delightful, anyway? I don't know. I mean, I DO know. Fertility, reproduction, blah blee blah blah. I get that. I understand why they are sexy. But, why do they make me happy, like a child petting a puppy for the first time? I can't see boobies, and not immediately feel all giddy and smiley on the inside. I just want to pet one and giggle. Not even in any kind of sexual way. I just want to play with them like happy little balloons of wonder and magic. Haven't you ever just played with your boobies for fun? Like, just jiggled them or squeezed them while making goofy sound effects, and then laughed hysterically on your bed? "Womp womp" (squeezes boobies) Of course you've done this. Every girl has done this. And every boyfriend has seen them do this, and joined them in the boob squeezing/sound effect shenanigans.
Some people have told me that I am metrosexual. To that, I say fuck you. I'm not metrosexual, I'm just effeminately manly. So I don't like smelling like old ball sweat and axe body spray, so what. So I "occasionally" sprinkle bath salts into lavender scented bubble baths, I don't give a fuuuuck. Bitch, I smell delicious. If smelling like lavender is wrong, then I don't wanna be right. I trim my nipple hair because I don't want to look like a yeti when I'm naked. Sue me. I can't shave them because it's a tender area and I want to avoid razor burn. Plus, they get itchy and I'd rather not have to constantly scratch them. Stubbly, red, swollen, scratched nipples aren't sexy, okay? Trust me, I've been there and done that. Never again, I say. Ladies, I won't claim to know your shaving pains, but I will say that I understand. And take my word for it when I say that we don't care much for your razor burned, swollen, bumpy, red vaginas either. It rubs us like sandpaper, and then we both have swollen red crotches. A simple trim will work fine. Just set the electric razor to its lowest setting, and do a clean once-over. A little bit of fuzz is okay if it's kept neat. Your vagina has rules similar to the rules you give us with our beards. A little hair is sexy, but you don't want to bone a homeless lumberjack, right? Meet us halfway. I'll keep my beard trimmed and sexy if you do the same with your cooter. Everybody wins.
What kinds of things do I adore? I enjoy music. I appreciate a good pun. Interesting stories shared in the company of friends are much more entertaining than anything on TV. I will never waste money on myself, unless it tastes amazing. Good food will always be my weakness. I like stand up comedy. I often attend open mic night at local comedy clubs when I get the chance, and yes, sometimes I get up there and present my own material.
If I just so happened to tickle your fancy, then don't hesitate to message me. Who knows, maybe I'll grace you with my presence. Let's go to the park and play on the swings. Let's watch stars while sitting in the cool grass, and talk about the most embarrassing times of our lives. I'm a simple man with simple pleasures. Sometimes the smallest things end up being the most influential. These are the kinds of moments I live for.