1) If you haven't read my profile IN FULL before you contact me ... FUCK OFF
2) If you're monogamous and looking for The One or Ms. Right ... FUCK OFF
3) If you're looking for cybersex ... FUCK OFF
4) If you're looking for kinky fetish sex, or sex in general ... FUCK OFF
5) If you're a man looking to add another wife to his collection ... FUCK OFF
6) If you're part of a couple who only dates together as a package deal and is looking for that special Third to add to your family who is expected to develop equal romantic relationships with both of you ... FUCK OFF
7) If all you can think of to say to me is "ur hot" or "ur sexy" or "nice pics" or "hey beautiful" or "nice stomach" or any compliment on my physical appearance ... FUCK OFF
8) If you think it's cute to say any of these things as a joke, it's not. First, I can't always tell when it's a joke because there is no tone or facial expression to help me out. Second, that joke wore out its very mild amusement when every single one of my friends immediately messaged me with it after posting it. They got a free pass because they're my friends and I know they don't mean it. You do not. So ... FUCK OFF
9) If your profile is empty either fill it with something that tells me a little about who you are before contacting me or ... FUCK OFF
10) If all you can say is "Hi, how are you" or you don't say anything interesting in your email or to indicate who you are or why you contacted me to give me a reason to want to respond ... FUCK OFF
11) If you think my profile is too harsh or too long, and especially if you feel the need to advise me on how to make it "better" so I can attract more guys, but even if you don't, you just think it's too mean or too much to read ... FUCK OFF
12) If you think sending me a form letter (a letter that has the same content that you send to everyone you contact, that does not reference anything in the profile to indicate you read it, that does not mention common interests or things we disagree on, or that says something generic like "I like music and movies and hanging out", which is so vague as to apply to everyone so that you do not stand out above the crowd) is the proper way to initiate contact ... FUCK OFF
13) If you read all these guidelines and still think contacting me using one of the above things I said not to do, or anything similar enough that anyone with even a child's IQ could tell you is close enough to piss me off ... FUCK YOURSELF UP THE ASS SO HARD YOU FUCK OFF.
Anyone who doesn't fuck off and should will find their entire correspondence, including username, published in my journal here, my livejournal, and on my website. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
If you have genuine questions about polyamory or BDSM, or you think we could match in a polyamorous sense, or you think we could be platonic friends, or you are interested in a dance partner where romantic orientation is irrelevant, feel free to message me. My antagonistic profile didn't start out this way, it grew meaner over the years as my polite requests for being treated respectfully were ignored time and again and I got progressively pricklier with each encounter, but I'm not that mean all the time. You can think of me sort of like a cat - my profile is me with my hackles raised and my claws extended because I've been threatened, but when treated kindly, I'm actually quite cuddly. Just remember my claws are only sheathed, not gone.
Now, onto my profile:
Turn offs: anyone who doesn't read my profile; anyone who sees an assertive woman and thinks "bitch" or "pushy" or "hormonal" or "hysterical" or "needs to relax" or "must be miserable" or "can't get laid"; getting flowers; anyone who can't see that my anger on the internet is a reaction to being mistreated; Jim Carey; the kind of humor that relies on other people being hurt or embarrassed (i.e. Jackass, The Office, etc.); guys who don't treat their wait staff with courtesy; guys who bring up sex too soon; woo; pseudoscience; guys who are interviewing people for the job position of Their Next Partner; MRAs; anyone with "Nice Guy Syndrome" or who uses the term "friendzone" unironically; religion & spirituality; pictures taken in the bathroom; the primary profile photo being shirtless or headless; people who don't smile widely in any of their profile pictures; pictures of drinking at parties; anyone who thinks women are obligated to do anything; anyone who doesn't understand the point I'm trying to make when I talk about what I do and don't like and feels the need to pedantically include every possible exception that misses the point.
Turn ons: men with strong characters who are nevertheless not threatened or insecure around strong women (and, in fact, prefer them); men who willingly take on the label "feminist" for themselves; Men who are willing to be vulnerable around those they care about; intelligence; skepticism (and anyone who knows the difference between skepticism & cynicysm); optimism; those who take the Path of Greater Courage; men who can remain friendly with their exes; non-hierarchical polyamory; switches; dancers; singers, musicians, artists, guys who do manual labor, pictures that show wide smiles and enthusiasm for life; people who are secure enough to encourage me to be me.
My identity labels include: feminist, atheist, kinky, skeptic, polyamorous, activist, tomboy, genderqueer, gender fluid, INTJ, and dancer. Those should tell you everything and nothing about me. If you are intimately familiar with each of those communities, it should give you a good starting point to understanding me, but if you aren't intimately familiar with those communities, then probably everything you think you know about those labels is wrong, and even if you are intimately familiar with those communities, then you understand just how much variability there is under those headings, so you know that you still need to get to know *me* to find out how those labels are expressed within my personality.
Another turn off: people who discard labels as completely worthless and say things like "I can't be constrained to a label". Labels have value as placeholders. It is unrealistic to use the full and entire definition of a label, complete with whatever exceptions you think you are owed, every time the subject of who we are comes up. Labels are useful as a shorthand for after the conversation about what that label means to us has been had, so that we can get on with the conversation and stop spending so much time doing linguistic gymnastics trying to talk without using language.
I am 5'5", 118 lbs, I have brown hair that goes past my butt and hazel eyes. I wear men's clothing (and usually all black) but I have an undeniably feminine figure and I'm not trying to "pass" for a guy. I like that juxtaposition. I consider myself "androgynous", not because you can't tell which gender I am, but because I believe most gender constructs are social constructs, and according to our society, I have about an equal mix of both sets of gender traits. If society would stop telling me who I am supposed to be simply because I have female plumbing, I probably wouldn't have any issues identifying as female. But since they keep trying to tell me who I should be, and they keep getting it wrong, I'll keep insisting that I'm not "a girl", or that I'm gender queer, or that I'm androgynous, or whatever it is that's the opposite of what other people think I ought to be.
I am bossy, opinionated, stubborn, passionate, gentle, sarcastic, and opportunistic. I live alone and I like it, although I would prefer that my partners live very near to me, like all in the same apartment complex or all on the same property or block. I love my cats, but I think I'll spend some time without cats for a while when my current pets die. My cats are very high maintanance, since they're both chronically ill, and caring for them takes precedence over anything else. Some days I handle their illnesses better than others, so expect me to switch between being cavalier and unreasonably stubborn about their care.
I do not like to be treated "like a lady" and anyone who thinks that "a woman should be treated like a lady" is automatically disqualified. Women (and men, and any other gender) should be treated how that specific individual wants to be treated, and no other way. "Beneficial sexism" is still sexism, and still harmful. Do not open doors for me unless you A) open doors for anyone who looks like they need assistance or you get there first and B) I look like I need assistance or you got there first. DO NOT rush ahead of me to get the door, do not hold it open for me if I have to step under your arm or squeeze around you to go through, and do not protest, even for a second, about me holding the door open for you. I don't want flowers, ever, but especially on a first date or because I'm mad at you. I don't want jewelry either. In fact, I generally don't want gifts because people always buy me the wrong stuff, and if you buy me the wrong thing, it will tell me that you don't really know me and it'll piss me off. I have an online wishlist for people who genuinely enjoy buying people gifts and wish to express their love through gift-giving and are NOT doing it because they think they are obligated to buy gifts either because of gender expectations or social holiday expectations, so that they will know what kinds of things I like and actually want to own. Trust me, we'll both be happier if you either don't buy me anything, or you buy me things only from my wishlist or that I have explicitly said I wanted.
What I Am Looking For:
I wouldn't say that I am "looking for" anything. I have found that looking for something specific tends to narrow down one's focus to the point that one can't appreciate the other sorts of treasures that one might come across. I am open to a variety of relationship styles, including friends, long-term romantic partners, and dance partners and I'm willing to get to know people as individuals first to see how we might best fit together. But I do know that I get along better with people who share my most strongly held worldviews, which include non-hierarchical polyamory, atheism, skepticism, and feminism. It helps if they can at least tolerate country music, and I'd really like to know more dancers too, but those aren't requirements. I want people who will listen to me when I talk, and who will share themselves with me when they talk. I want people who share my interests and like to do things together. I want people with compatible world views and personalities.
For romantic partners, being poly, atheist, and non-smoking is mandatory. I am also intentionally childfree. I would prefer partners who also don't want children but it's not a deal-breaker if my partner has or wants kids, as long as they accept that I do not want to be a mother, ever, and that's not likely to change. Having had a vasectomy is a big plus, since I like to develop relationships with people where it is safe to fluid-bond. I don't drink alcohol at all, but it's OK if my partner socially drinks as long as getting sloppy drunk is not a common occurance. I also tend to prefer dating men who are already partnered. It's not a guarantee to solve certain problems, but it does reduce the chances that I'll experience certain problems like guys who *say* they're willing to be poly but really just want to convince me that they're The One. Unfortunately, being already partnered comes with other sets of likely problems, so I'll be particularly sensitive to situations that hint about veto power, hierarchy, and couples privilege.
I would like to share at least some of my interests with my romantic partners. I find it is difficult to sustain a romantic relationship when we don't have any common interests or hobbies. My hobbies, in no particular order, are: Reading - anything and almost everything! I read Stephen King, fantasy/sci-fi, and yes, when I have nothing better to read, romance novels; cross stitching (not embroidery); costuming; singing; dancing - night clubs, ballroom dancing, swing dance, social dance, latin dances, line dancing, anything that I can learn and for which I can find a partner; painting miniatures; watching movies; starting long and complicated projects, like converting a school bus and building an edit suite; talking online; horse-back riding (although I haven't had a chance to do that in a few years); and music. I love all kinds of music except rap, but I listen most often to country and 80's rock, although my mp3-player is always on random and plays a very eclectic mix of music. I'm also interested in rock climbing. The more of my interests we have in common, the better our chances of at least becoming good friends. And my best romantic relationships were with people who started out as friends. I am especially passionate right now about dancing and costuming.
There are just so many topics that contribute to "summarizing" me, but I could go on forever, so if I haven't answered it here, then ask me. You can also learn more about me at my website >www.theinnbetween.net
My profile says "available" but I have relationships and I talk about my sweeties here. I am not "single", I participate in open relationships ... the key word is RELATIONSHIPS and all the work and complication that word implies. I do not do hookups, cybersex, casual sex, nor "boyfriends" that means "some guy I fuck sometimes". I do not give out my phone number to strangers who just contacted me online. I do develop LONG TERM, trusting, honest, ethical, intimate relationships that have a strong foundation of friendship. If you're interested in sex and you're not in it for the long haul, not interested in the hard work of constant communication and developing intimacy (not sex), then don't bother. If you're *just* interested in chatting with someone who shares some of your interests or just looking for a dancing partner, or interested in developing long-term, intimate relationships, feel free to contact me. And I don't like to date anyone under age 30. If you think I should make an exception for you, then you better be able to go way beyond my expectations in all other areas.