First of all, I should confess that there is a small, but finite chance that I may have used some suboptimal methodology in calculating the precise timing of my birth. Being pathologically honest, I do concede that this may not be the ideal way to start a monogamous and trusting relationship. But in my own defense, although I was presumably at my own birth, I have very little recall of the event, so who knows? Nonetheless, as a scientist, I recently happened upon a heretofore-undiscovered formula for determining a person’s real age. Which can maybe bail me out of this ethical dilemma. Try it:
Effective Age = (chronological age) - a2 (b/4y) - z/(7x); Where: a = emotional age, b= shelf life of a maraschino cherry in centuries, y = the population of Cleveland, z = the number of keys on a bassoon and x = the number of watts in a 60 watt bulb.
Plugging in requisite variables thus reveals my effective age to be 53.22 years. If you want to know the “other” number, do the damn math. Or you can write and I’ll tell you.
Stuff about me: Job- organic chemist turned writer. It's complicated. Born and work in NYC. Live in Bronxville.
Appearance- not hideous. 5’9”, 170 pounds, still have hair, fewer than 4 chins. I believe that I reside somewhere between Charlize Theron and Alan Greenspan on the attractiveness scale.
Most attractive feature: There was no choice for spleen, so I left that one out.
What I Love (other than family): Fire Island, My cottage on Fire Island, Working on my cottage on Fire Island, Admiring the work I’ve just completed on.... (Author’s note: for those of you that may be straddling the fence, somewhere between “sure, this guy seems OK” and “should I bother contacting this idiot?”, this is a patently shameless ploy, for which I sincerely apologize.) My job, being outdoors, snorkeling, more snorkeling, Hawaii
What I really dislike: Smoking, vinyl siding, people that chew with their mouths open, pretentiousness, The Hamptons, pimentos, littering, liars, throwing up (Author’s note- go ahead and guess how long it’s been.) I dare you. (The winning entry will receive a free set of steak knives. Offer void where prohibited).
What I’m Good At:
My job. Being a really good son to my mother.
HONEST, seriously funny, smart, kind, generous and fiercely loyal. Fanatic monogamist.
A few more: Classical pianist, decent athlete and I can pick up walnuts with my toes.
I'm one of the good guys.
What I’m Not So Good at: Bit of a wise-ass. Sometimes a little too opinionated (though if everyone weren’t so stupid…..) Dancing—See: Stephen Hawking). Ocean-loving terrible swimmer. I've been pulled out of the ocean more often than a crab net.
My memory is not as good as it used to be. And my memory is not as good as it used to be.
I can be an Olympic-class klutz at times, especially doing home repair. Ii can trip over painted parking lines.
Have some baggage (See: Imelda Marcos). Perhaps a tad too much body hair (See: Australopithecus Ramidus). (And if you think I’m hairy, you should see my mother). I’ve also been called immature by some people, but that’s cause they’re doodie heads.
And I once went on a date with a woman who told me I was too angry for her. Which really pissed me off.
Also, there is some chance I’m insane. For example, I pulled a practical joke on the doctor that was about to perform a vasectomy on me, and his nurse, who proceeded to run out of the office screaming.
Finally, on a serious note, I will walk barefoot through hell to make sure my partner is happy and safe. No one or nothing can stop me. Unfortunately, I have had to take that trip. But I can still walk quite well.
Oh- in case you haven't figured it out by now, my real age can be calculated by taking the number of flavors in Heinz Ketchup and adding two.