I have had countless potential friendships that started out as promising, only to wither away after only a week or two. I don't know why. The only friend I have managed to keep is a gaming buddy, who is a practical clone of mine when it comes to philosophy and life experience. My experience with him, as with other men, is that male-male interaction is usually cold and impersonal. I have known this guy for near half my life yet we have never talked about anything approaching personal without the conversation devolving into such vagueness that neither of us know what the other is talking about anymore.
I want to find someone to ward off my depression, someone I could have real deep conversations with, someone I could perhaps game with, someone who I could call a friend. But most importantly someone I could be affectionate with. I don't necessarily mean a sexual relationship, more like a cat-level relationship. Someone to hug and hold and sleep next to.
For some reason I gain next to nothing from online interaction. I am unsure why that is. Maybe my brain has difficulty comprehending that there actually is a person on the other end. I don't know.
Most people my age already have friends, and all are busy either studying or working or both. They don't have time for another person in their life. I don't blame them, but I still want to find someone to spend time with. I could even live with them, that way I could be with them even more. Someone I could spend all time with. I have this feeling that I just want to be close to someone nice, to hug them for the rest of my life. I feel a bottomless hunger for affection.
Some people give me more... social energy... warmth. I don't know what to call it. Some people I can just touch on their shoulder and I feel a pulse of warmth and joy.
I know I come off as a weird guy. That might be a good thing or a bad thing. I am very logical, honest, and kind. I always thought all three were positive qualities. Now, a year after my first relationship, I know that at least the former two are rather destructive to romantic affairs, if I can generalize from experience (I probably shouldn't).
I apologize for all preposition-related errors that have inevitably been made. Thank you.
[EDIT: I have now found a friend. A true friend. I don't know how it happened, but like Lightning she came to me. And now I am her Thunder. But perfect as she is in my eyes, well. She has the greatest flaw of all. She is taken ^^ And I mean seriously taken.
So my days in the friendzone begin. She teases me a lot, shares her amazing stories and details. It all brings me joy, I am really happy for her, but it also depresses and frustrates me. The only solution I can see is for me to somehow find a girl of my own. Which will most likely take a loooong time. So please try to understand if I have pent up emotions about that. (Also, sorry for being too lazy to reconstruct the whole text because of this update)]