(05/12/13) I guess I'm back. Because... well, why not. The semester is about to end, the Spring seems to finally be beginning, and Ultimate is getting into full swing. It'd be great to meet someone to enjoy it all with. Though, I think I might follow through on my end-of-February idea below, and wipe this profile before starting again. We shall see.

(02/23/13) I'm contemplating deleting this entire profile and starting from scratch. It was fun to make, but it's becoming so big it's scary.

My name is Wood, and my pen name is Wood the Storyteller. I have a few really close friends who don't know my birth name, and that doesn't bother me in the least. Sometimes I forget, even. I have lived an interesting life thus far, and it'll probably only get cooler as I make my way through my 30s. Let's just say this... you know the Dos Equis guy? I'm him, only (a) real, (b) not a beer drinker, and (c) less tanned. I swear, I'm not bragging, or trying to one-up anyone... I've just lived -that- kind of life.

(01/15/13) I started a conversation with someone here on OKC a few days ago, and in the process learned a bit about myself. (Which is great, of course... there's never a bad time to learn or grow.) On Wikipedia, under the article for "Bohemianism", there's a passage by Gelett Burgess on what it means to be Bohemian. I fit this to a T. With, perhaps, a few solid Goals added in.

(05/15/13) This summer, my plan is to play Ultimate three days a week, bike two days a week, work full-time at General Mills, and finish another novel. That's the plan, anyway. This fall, I'll be taking four courses at UMN and going back to part-time at work.

(02/23/13) I'm back in college, aiming to craft a Science Fiction Writing degree through UMN. At the moment, I have six classes (20 credit hours), plus I'm working 20 hours a week at General Mills. I have time to sleep, eat, and check my email, and that's about it.

(As of 05/15/13)
I am really good at...

...making up pretend conversations between Thomas Hobbes and Jean-Jacques Rousseau, and writing them down on my Cultural Studies final.
...knowing that red turtle shells are always preferable to green ones, because red ones don't run the risk of bouncing off a wall and smacking you in the face.
...being the first person to make a snarky or witty comment on Facebook.
...getting as many Likes for my comment as the original post.
...eating cookies.
...building robots out of Legos.
...being a Flobot: I can take apart a remote controlled car, and I can put it all the way back together.
...writing stories. Wanna read a few?
...telling stories. Wanna hear a few?
...listening to other people's stories.
...asking tough questions like, "Do you accept your own failures as part of what makes you YOU, or do you work to change them?"
...asking interesting questions like, "Which of these is a better definition of a soulmate: the person you are -going- to end up with, or the person you are -supposed- to end up with?"
...asking goofball questions like, "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?"
...trivia. Particularly Friends trivia, but I'm a bit out of practice. Also, I haven't missed a Geography or a Math question in a really long time.
...spelling, grammar, eloquence, and enunciating. Punctuation, I'm about average. Occasionally I miss a period (that's what she said!... no?... too gross, huh?)
...Minesweeper, SimCity, and Connect Four. I will seriously bet a pizza that you can't beat me best-of-seven at Connect Four. I'm so good, a friend bet HIS SOUL, and I won it 4-1.
...by the way, do you know anyone looking for a soul? I have an extra one. Maybe I'll just put it on Craigslist. $50 sound reasonable?
...making up random funny lies and saying them with a perfectly straight face.
...making up new meals. My nacho dip would beat Nathan Fillion's, easily.
...eating anything I try to cook.
...making up new board games. Zombies vs. Humans, anyone?
...eating all the Human players.
...speaking my mind.
...carrying on a conversation until the sun rises.
...enjoying sun rises, particularly when I'm busing to work early in the morning.
...wondering why it's "busing" and not "bussing".
...giving presents. I pride myself on this, actually. If I had to choose, I'd rather give a bad-ass present two days late than a half-ass present on time.
...being really, really, -ridiculously- good looking.
...making up random funny lies that are actually movie quotes, and seeing if someone catches it.
...writing really, really, -ridiculously- long emails.
...sex and the other stuff that goes with it (no, really).
...making a budget.
...lying about making a budget.
...dog training. And dog sitting. Need a dog-care-taker? Because I'll volunteer!!! Man, I'm really puppy-deprived right now.
...throwing an Ultimate Frisbee and hitting a moving target.
...explaining why a Zone Defense should always Force -with- the wind (and not into the wind).
...throwing a water balloon into a moving vehicle.
...road-tripping. My best was a 13-hour trip, Omaha to Winnipeg, on half an hour's notice. I drove the whole way. It was wonderful.
...putting in the extra work where it's needed, as well as helping out where I can. One day, you should ask me about how I worked a 66-hour work week (that saved 50 lives in Baghdad).
...being supportive when my friends are going through tough times. I'm always there with a cheesecake if you need it.
...completing projects that I care about.
...randomly spending $40 on donuts and surprising everyone at work. (02/22/13) Or my 8am Writing class!
...being positive, and being nice to strangers.

Some things I am not all that great at...
...remembering my laundry. It sometimes takes me an entire day to do two loads, because I keep forgetting it's in the washer or dryer.
...opening up to more than one person at a time.
...keeping my mouth shut when faced with hypocrisy.
...dressing fashionably.
...sticking to a budget.
...understanding Dexter. How can I feel sympathy for a character who doesn't feel sympathy?!
...making omelets. It always turns into scrambled eggs. I have a lot of patience, but not when it comes to eggs.
...going to sleep at a reasonable hour.
...giving up soda. I have tried many times. It simply doesn't work.

I have blue and grey eyes.
I dress the same way every day.
My beard has a smattering of red in it.
I look people in the eye.
I have no accent, except when I say "aunt" like "flaunt", "daunting", "gauntlet", or "August"... which is the -correct- way to pronounce it, in my opinion.

The things people would never, ever guess about me...

I'm an introvert.
I'm deeply spiritual.
I'm a little bit crazy.
My beard is also a little bit crazy.
I cry during one particular scene in the third Lord of the Rings movie, every time I watch it.
I'm a registered Libertarian, only because there isn't a true Centrist Party.
I'm seriously considering starting a Centrist Party.
I'm an Existentialist who also believes in God.

Books: Ender's Game, Speaker For The Dead, Dune, Wheel of Time, Hitchhiker's Guide, Starship Troopers, Armor, Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort Of History Of The United States, America the Book, the Shaara books, The Red Tent, The Darkour, A People's History of the United States, Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. The Hunger Games was good, but not fantastic. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut was a fun read. I finished the first Game of Thrones... and it was okay, up until the last few pages, when it got SUPER INTERESTING. The Eyre Affair was a lot of fun, and I think every English/Writing/Literature major in America should read it. "The Miracle Cures of Dr. Aira" by Cesar Aira may be the most Meta book I've ever read. Dora: A Headcase by Lydia Yuknavitch was incredibly fun.
(Least Favorite: Atlas Shrugged)
(01/15/13: "Naked Lunch" by William S. Burroughs now ties for my least favorite book, ever. It is Literature in the same way that "Insane Clown Posse" is Music.)

Movies: 500 Days of Summer, Lost In Translation, Red Dawn, Star Wars, Cloverfield, Star Trek II, Benny and Joon, Office Space, Zoolander, Super Troopers, Not Another Teen Movie, The Big Lebowski, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Love Actually (which I think is the best Christmas movie ever), Once (if you don't like this movie, you don't have a soul), Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, Team America, Little Shop of Horrors, Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog. I consider The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou to be my unofficial biography. I watched John Dies At The End a few nights ago, and it was the most fun I've had watching a movie, in a long time. When November 1st comes around, I will be the guy camping out for the midnight opening of Ender's Game. Man, I hope I'm not disappointed in it.
(Least Favorite: Cannibal Holocaust)

Shows: Firefly/Serenity, How I Met Your Mother, The Big bang Theory, South Park, Lost, BSG, Twilight Zone, MST3K (Bryant Lake Bowl on First Wednesdays!!), The IT Crowd, Robot Chicken, Invader Zim, Ask A Ninja, Ghost Hunters, Storm Chasers, Archer. Also, in all honesty... if you don't like Firefly, we won't get along well. I am a Browncoat.
(Least Favorite: Anything that encourages people to be vapid, shallow, intolerant, or just plain dumbasses [including, but not limited to: Jersey Shore, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, and Jerry Springer])

Games: Munchkin, Connect Four, SimCity, Red November, Settlers of Cataan, Pandemic, Fruit Ninja, Rayman's Raving Rabbids, Cards Against Humanity, Carcassonne, Dwarf Fortress, Bloon's Tower Defense 5, Quelf. I just learned about the game True American, and I'm hoping to try it out soon.
(Least Favorite: Risk. There is way too much Luck involved. And there are only two strategies: Hold North America, or Hold Australia.)

Foods: Simple meals spiced up with... well, spices. I can't handle spicy food, though, just flavorful stuff. My favorite food ever is macaroni and chili, and I save it for special occasions because I always eat way too much. In January, I tried giving up meat. It lasted for two weeks, and my body seriously rebelled against me.
(Least Favorite: Vinegar, Mushrooms, Chewing Gum)

Music: This question is difficult to answer. But lately, I've been listening to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis' album a lot.

INTERNET: BLR's "Everybody Poops", Rainer Maria Rilke's fourth "Letter to a Young Poet", anything Hannah Hart has ever done, XKCD, Questionable Content, Animals Talking In All Caps, the WINS page of Failblog, Failbook, Peter's Evil Overlord List, Hyperbole and a Half's "Adventures In Depression", Gin & Tronic's "How To Play Ultimate Frisbee", and WhatShouldUltimateCallMe. Plus, I visit CNN, Time, FoxNews, and Snopes every day, plus Huffington Post and Drudge Report occasionally.

(1) Lists
(2) Something to read, watch, play, or sing to
(3) A frisbee, a pair of cleats, a disc, a light and a dark shirt, a trucker hat, and a nalgene full of water
(4) My laptop, and all the stories I have written on it
(5) The puppy I will be getting as soon as I earn more money and move into a bigger place
(6) Pepsi Throwback

Six things I will -never- do...
(1) Smoke
(2) Act out of spite, malice, or rage
(3) Get married unless I am 100% sure
(4) Be long in someone else's debt
(5) Deny that I have a Purpose
(6) Stop trying to be a better person

Six things Rick Astley will do...
(1) Never gonna give you up
(2) Never gonna let you down
(3) Never gonna run around and desert you
(4) Never gonna make you cry
(5) Never gonna say goodbye
(6) Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Six things I tend to say often...
(1) Noted.
(2) Sounds good.
(3) That's true, and you're right, but...
(4) You're doing a great job, keep it up!
(5) One day, when I take over the world...
(6) What would happen if...

Six items from my Bucket List...
(1) Plant a garden
(2) Learn to ride a motorcycle
(3) Learn to play the guitar
(4) See Yellowstone, Yosemite, the Tetons, and Denali.
(5) Go one full month without talking
(6) Spend one full month camping and living off the land

Six things I find attractive in a woman...
(1) An oft-displayed smile
(2) An appreciation of Firefly
(3) The inability to tolerate a Jerk
(4) The ability to write for fun
(5) A flick huck
(6) Athletic legs

Six classes that I am taking this semester, and will get an "A" in...
(1) ENGW 1102 - Intro to Fiction Writing
(2) CSCL 1001 - Introduction to Cultural Studies: Rhetoric, Power, Desire
(3) AMST 1012 - Migrants, Refugees, Citizens, and Exiles: the U.S. on an Immigrant Planet
(4) CSCL 3465 - Aliens
(5) PHIL 1004W - Introduction to Political Philosophy
(6) CSCL 3461 - Monsters, Robots, Cyborgs

Six classes I will be taking in the Fall, and will get an "A" in...
(1) CSCL 1401W - Reading Literature: Theory and Practice
(2) GEOG 3371W - Cities, Citizens, and Communities
(3) PHIL3601W - Scientific Thought
(4) PSY 1001 - Introduction to Psychology
(5) PE 1078 - Ultimate Disc (HAHAHAHA!!!! REALLY!!!!)
(6) Life

Six recipes from my personal cookbook that I am proud of...
(1) Bekri - chicken bits, on top of fries, with a red wine sauce
(2) Kickass Nacho Dip - salsa, guac, cheese, refried beans, cheese, beef with oregano and basil and pepper, CHEESE
(3) Gluten-Free Vegan Kickass Nacho Dip - organic salsa, black beans, pinto beans, kidney beans, homemade guac, vegan cheese
(4) Russian Pancakes - eggs, flour, milk, broiled, plus powdered sugar and a splash of lemon juice
(5) Chicken Wraps - chicken, cheddar cheese, ranch, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, all in a tortilla
(6) Orange Caesars - equal parts orange juice, vanilla ice cream, crushed ice, and champagne, blended together

Three fictional women and three celebrities that I have had crushes on...
(1) Hannelore from Questionable Content
(2) Starbuck from BSG
(3) Rocket from Sucker Punch
(4) Natalie Portman
(5) Shakira
(6) Hannah Hart

Two current, three planned, and one possible phrases that will become/currently are tattoos...
(1) I Will Be Good And I Will Love - planned
(2) This Life Is My Burden To Bear - current
(3) You Are Who You Are When You Are You - current
(4) Never Pass Up A Good Thing - planned
(5) Live Generously - planned
(6) Always Admit The Possibility That You're Full Of Shit - possible

(02/23/13: This one is still true...)
(04/26/12) Whenever someone asks me "Can I tell you something?", I respond with "Always and forever, the answer to that question will be Yes!" Exactly those words. I give the same response to "Can I have a hug?", but that gets asked way less often.
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Holy crap, WE SURVIVED 2012!! And Y2K!! And a freaking Asteroid flyby!! Isn't that AWESOME?!?!

How incredibly awesome it is that HUMANS HAVE BEEN TO THE MOON!!!! (01/15/13: And may be going to Mars within two decades!!!!)

How long I will be in Minnesota. At least for another two and a half years, now that I'm back in school at UMN. After that, I am most likely going to be off on another adventure, unless a butterfly in Hong Kong flaps its wings.

Whether the Monty Python sketch "How Not To Be Seen" is the funniest sketch in TV history. And whether Wayne Brady singing "Songs of the Bus Driver" will be remembered as the most awesome bit of Improv, ever.

How weird the Universe can be at times.

How much I'd enjoy it if the Universe were as weird as Douglas Adams portrayed it to be.
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(05/12/13) Dear Wood from 02/23/13,

Yeah, right.

Sincerely,
Present Wood

(02/23/13) Starting tonight, my Fridays will be spent without any homework, so I can start de-stressing. Saturdays will include homework in the mornings, Ultimate in the afternoons, then homework again in the evenings. And if all goes well, I should be finished in time to take Sunday off and do whatever the hell I want.

This is an anecdote that, I think, says a lot about who I am.

January 3rd, 2011, I landed at Denver International Airport having spent my last $10 on dinner after a 10-hour missed-connection-layover in Detroit. I grabbed my one travel bag, walked out of the terminal, and realized I was completely broke. I was in Americorps at the time, so that was common. That $10 I had spent on food, had been meant for a bus ticket across town to my apartment. I dug into my bag, but couldn't find enough change to get me home. I called every friend I had in Denver, but they were all either still out of town, or at work (it was a Monday). I waited for an hour for someone to get back to me, but no one did. So... I just started walking. Seven hours later, I made it to Quebec and MLK Blvd, at which point my friend Tristan gave me a call and offered up a ride. If you go to Google Maps, click "Get Directions", and add in those two points, you'll see the almost-exact route I walked.

This 18-mile walk was one of the happiest days I've ever had. It was 50, sunny, calm, and all I did that day was stroll around. It was glorious. I felt at peace with everyone and everything, and for as long as I walked, I didn't care that I was flat broke. I had two legs, a place to go, and a path to get there. That, I've found, is all I've ever really needed out of Life.

(Updated 05/15/13)

I'm going to begin with the small negative bit, and then end with the longer positive bit. I like ending things on a high note. And so...

Please do NOT message me if...

...you are actively working to overturn the recent bill that made Minnesota the 12th state to allow gay marriage. We simply have differing moral values, and if we begin talking it will most likely turn into a heated argument.
...you think either Michelle Bachmann or Rick Santorum would make a great President. If either ever gets elected President, I've already sworn to move to Canada.
...you don't like dogs. I believe there are dog people and cat people, and while it's easy for the two kinds of people (and three species) to get along... if you -don't- get along with dogs, then you probably won't get along with me.
...you are hoping to have or adopt kids. I'm not anti-children at all (I worked at a Boys and Girls Club for a year, and it was amazing). It's just that I have certain things that I must accomplish in this lifetime, and this Purpose of mine precludes me being a Father. I'd make a decent Uncle, or a Teacher, though.

But please DO drop me a line if...

...you'd like someone to bike with around Lake Calhoun or Lake of the Isles.
...you are striving to be a Writer, and would like a Writing Partner. I tend to write better when someone else is in the room, as the sound of their keyboard clacking is both soothing and inspiring. Plus, it's great to have someone nearby to share interesting thoughts with.
...you'd like to get a pair of rollerblades and race me through the downtown Skyway. I don't own rollerblades, but I'd buy a pair just to try it.
...you can explain the Minneapolis bus system. Why are there six different 17 busses, going in three different directions, and at varying times?
...you're someone I know in the real world, and would like me to say something nice on your profile.
...you've also pledged your Powerball winnings to Joss Whedon and Nathan Fillion, should the stars ever align.
...you have a Life Goal that you think I can help you with. I may not -actually- be able to help, but I can support you until you're sick and tired of it. YOU'RE DOING GREAT, KEEP IT UP!!
...you randomly high-five joggers that pass by you on the sidewalk.
....you think (mistakenly, I might add) that you can beat me at Connect Four.
...you'd like another person for your Commentary! the Musical! chorus.
...you also have a huge crush on NPH. Yes, I know he's gay, and I have an everything-but-sexual attraction to him.
...you have nothing else to do.
...you have lots of other things to do, but need a reason to put them off.
...you'd like to play Friends trivia.
...you'd like to share an awesome YouTube video, an interesting Wikipedia article, a thought-provoking clip from TED.com, a fun-to-read blog, or a hilarious webcomic.
...you love dogs. Seriously, I could talk about my old dog Mokey all freaking day.
...you play Ultimate. We could go toss around!
...your name is Petra. I think that's the coolest name, ever.
...you are hatching a plan for World Domination and need a co-Glorious-Leader.
...you'd like me to cook for you. I need an excuse to make and eat some good food!
...you're not going to freak the F out when I tell you that I don't currently have a car. So far, I subsist on the MTA... and I have a motorcycle that will have to wait until the Summer to see the town again.