Jason R. Wallace here. Writer, actor, philosopher, impressionist. Cynic, master of sarcasm and quotation, musician, metal enthusiast, ravenous consumer of media. Lover of SNES-era RPGs, Street Fighter and modern day rhythm games.

LINKS OF INTEREST:

Prolefeed.
Facebook.
MySpace.
deviantART.
Flickr.
YouTube.
Last.fm.
Xbox Live.
Twitter.

And now...twenty-one very important things:

21) Though I primarily enjoy heavy metal and alternative rock, I still have this sugary, sensitive pop core that's...well...kind of embarrassing. I mean, I'm a hardened cynic with a razor tongue, and here I am listening to Fall Out Boy, No Doubt, Tegan & Sara, Paramore, et cetera and LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

20) If you can sing any Rush song with me at least halfway through, especially "Red Barchetta," we'll be friends for eternity. Everyone else? Well, you'll have to work a little harder.

19) Listen closely to me when I'm not talking or anything. Sometimes, you'll hear me rehearsing what I'm going to say or how I'm going to react under my breath. I'm not crazy...I just like to be prepared.

18) If you are female, chances are I've been infatuated with you at one point. A good friend of mine once pointed out that I was a womanizer, and I think she was right. I'm just obviously not very good at it.

17) Every time I put a lot of energy into something - usually but not necessarily emotional energy - my eyes well up. I don't feel like crying, nor do I have to do so, but those globes get watery nonetheless. Example: really singing a song and feeling it, especially an Elvis Costello one.

16) Speaking of which, I'm an emotional person. Maybe even overemotional. Most people don't see that side of me because I hide it very well. At least I think I do. Anyway, I might seem like a stoic at times, but trust me when I say even the little things tear me up inside.

15) I am completely clueless sometimes. Do you like me? I can't tell. Are you flirting with me? I probably didn't notice. Were you insinuating something? I have no idea. Since I'm so unobservant, if you've got something important to say, say it loudly, bluntly and to my face.

14) I know more trivia - especially pop culture trivia - than...oh...anyone on the planet. Round after round of Scene It domination can attest to this.

13) Failure and embarrassment are two things I never forget. In fact, I don't think I've ever forgotten a moment like that. I still have flashes of times long since past that make me cringe. For example, when I catch a glimpse of my mock trial shirt, I instantly remember objecting during opposing counsel's closing argument at a competition, which is, for those who don't know, not only against procedure but also terrible form. It was a knee-jerk reaction to something the girl was saying about seatbelts. I wasn't paying attention, and it made me feel like an ass and a fool. I feel that same way when I see the shirt today. The EXACT same way, every time, just as powerful.

12) My bookshelf is filled with books I've never read and might never read. Are they just to keep up the appearance that I'm an intelligent, literate person? I'd like to think not, but who knows for sure?

11) My writing sucks. Many of you know this. Some of you aren't even the slightest bit interested in my work, and you think I won't amount to much in the grand scheme of things, and I understand that. I appreciate your not coming out and telling me, though. Hey, denial and deception are just as good for me.

10) I've a bad temper at times. You don't want to see me genuinely angry. Luckily, I'm hardly ever angry!

9) Alright, change of tone. I love all things Stargate, especially SG-1, and I want to thank Neal for introducing me to that universe. It means a lot.

8) I want to show affection for my friends, hug them once in a while and whatnot, but I'm always worried that it'll be misconstrued as weakness or an awkward advance. You know, Cory's like the brother I never had, and I care for him just as much, but I don't think I've ever even hugged the bloke. I do love you guys and gals, but I'm not very good at showing it.

7) On the list of strange sexual attractions: catgirls. Not the furry sort with claws or anything, heaven forbid, but simply an attractive lass sporting those ears. Maybe a tail, I don't know. Or dressed like Catwoman. (Personally, I blame Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns for all of this.)

6) Here's an odd bit of knowledge: my step-father is both a music minister and a bank robber. I assure you, it wasn't at all fun waking up to THAT news. It's been a wonderful year, hasn't it?

5) I'm often compelled to add little flourishes, so to speak, to my physical actions. Flapping my jacket open before I sit, moving my hands and fingers in odd ways, timing my stares and my expressions, doing what Anthony calls "action turns." OK, so the last one's involuntary, but the others are plain silly. I do them anyway. I mean, what am I? Gob the magician?

4) What a sentimental creature I am. I have this old briefcase, you see, and if you've ever given me anything even remotely important and personal, I have kept it there. Drawings, scribbles, notes, love letters, beads, necklaces, ribbons, wrapping paper, medals, packets, folders, photographs...it's all there. When the mood strikes me, I look at each and every thing, and I remember.

3) How many of you are diabetic and could conceivably be killed by cake? Show of hands? Just me? Well, that's pretty emasculating, and chances are I don't appreciate your Splenda or "live-a-betes" riffs whatsoever. Don't dangle sugar packets in front of me. I've a fucking medical condition, people, and it's rarely funny. RARELY. Sorry if I'm oversensitive about it. SEE: #16.

2) I can't dance very well, and I have trouble sometimes with theatre choreography, but put me in front of Rock Band, and I suddenly have the rhythm and timing of a Russian ballet teacher. How am I so good at that and so terrible at everything else musical? It's bizarre.

1) Ladies, most likely I've thought about kissing you, but I haven't gone through with it because A) it would probably be awkward and B) I'm a spineless jellyfish. Gentlemen, you're safe. The thought never crossed my mind.

Working to make ends meet, developing my musical skills (drumming and so forth) with fellow bandmates and hoping it goes somewhere, generally trying to figure out this peculiar thing called "life."

Filling out questionnaires? Oh, that's a bald lie.

Let's see here:

Rhythm games. Jack-of-all-trades here. Guitarist, drummer, singer, beat-tapper...you name it, I can groove it.

Accents and impressions. Self-explanatory. By the way, I typed thish ash Sean Connery. Couldn't you tell?

Well, shit. I'm out of ideas.

Running out of ideas. There's one.

Writing romantic poetry. I can melt your heart, trust me. Just ask any of my previous satisfied customers.

Acting. At least, I think I am. Never had any complaints.

I'm not entirely sure, but I imagine it's something like this:

Oh, he's got long hair. Beatnik? Hippie? In a band?

Are those women's sunglasses? I'm pretty sure that's leopard print on the side.

Those eyebrows sure are "expressive."

MUSIC: Andrew W.K., Arctic Monkeys, Atheist, Beastie Boys, Be Your Own Pet, Black Sabbath, Coheed & Cambria, Daft Punk, David Bowie, Death, Death From Above 1979, Devo, Dream Theater, Elvis Costello, Fall Out Boy, Gang of Four, Gnarls Barkley, Gojira, Guns N' Roses, Iron Maiden, Jonathan Coulton, Judas Priest, Justice, Killing Joke, King Crimson, KMFDM, Kyuss, Lamb of God, Megadeth, Metallica, MGMT, Michael Jackson, Mission of Burma, Motörhead, Muse, My Chemical Romance, N.E.R.D., Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, No Doubt, Oingo Boingo, Pearl Jam, Pink Floyd, Polysics, Primus, Protest the Hero, Public Enemy, Pure Reason Revolution, Queen, Queens of the Stone Age, R.E.M., Radiohead, Rage Against The Machine, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rush, Silversun Pickups, Slayer, Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble, Stone Temple Pilots, System of a Down, Talking Heads, Tegan & Sara, Tenacious D, The Beatles, The Dead Weather, The Fratellis, The Jimi Hendrix Experience, The Mars Volta, The Pixies, The Police, The Raconteurs, The Smashing Pumpkins, The White Stripes, Them Crooked Vultures, They Might Be Giants, Vampire Weekend, Velvet Revolver, White Zombie, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

This might be enlightening, as well.

MOVIES: 12 Monkeys, 300, A Clockwork Orange, A Prairie Home Companion, Adaptation., Airplane, Amadeus, American Beauty, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Batman, Batman Begins, Batman Returns, Being John Malkovich, Blazing Saddles, Botched, Casablanca, Casino Royale, Citizen Kane, Clerks, Clerks II, Clue, Crank, Crank: High Voltage, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Edward Scissorhands, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Everything Is Illuminated, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fight Club, Fist of Legend, Full Metal Jacket, Good Night, and Good Luck, Grindhouse, Hamlet (1996), Hero, Hot Fuzz, House of Flying Daggers, I Heart Huckabees, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, K-PAX, Kill Bill Vol. 1, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Knocked Up, Lord of War, Match Point, Matchstick Men, Mel Brooks' History of the World: Part I, Memento, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Pineapple Express, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Se7en, Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D., Shaun of the Dead, Shoot 'Em Up, Sin City, Stargate, Stranger Than Fiction, Super Troopers, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, The Ace Ventura Series, The Aviator, The Dark Knight, The Indiana Jones Series, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The Matrix Series, The Prestige, The Producers (1968), The Professional, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Shining, The Usual Suspects, Tombstone, Tromeo & Juliet, Unbreakable, V For Vendetta, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

BOOKS: Burgess' A Clockwork Orange, Conrad's Heart of Darkness, Foer's Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Gardner's The Art of Fiction / On Becoming a Novelist / On Moral Fiction, Golding's Lord of the Flies, H.S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Huxley's Brave New World, Kafka's Metamorphosis, Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Nabokov's Lolita, Orwell's 1984, Animal Farm, Palahniuk's Fight Club, Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow, S. King's The Shining, Shakespeare's œuvre

FOOD: Chinese, Southwestern / TexMex, anything involving barbeque sauce, honey mustard, cinnamon.

1) Insulin and other diabetic supplies. Alright, sheesh, I know that wasn't very interesting, but it's true!

2) My iPod. Music is so important to everyday life. It enhances every particle of being! I couldn't live without my ridiculously large library of songs.

3) Some form of electronic entertainment, e.g. my 360 if indoors, my DS if outdoors or on holiday. It's more than a hobby, people. IT'S A LIFESTYLE. Besides, those car rides / weekends can get rather boring, eh?

4) Food, water, shelter. NOW I'm cheating. Give me a moment...

5) Ah! Yes, got one now. How about the means to write? You know, paper, utensils, a reasonably flat surface and so on. Functioning hands would also be part of that package, of course. How could I survive if I couldn't jot down turns-of-phrase, haiku and other works?

6) My sunglasses. I don't know if you know, but there's a giant ball of nuclear fire in the sky. That's very concerning.

My own currently nebulous raison d'être, my past mistakes and missed opportunities, the finality and peculiarity of death in the modern world, electronic / information overload in the twenty-first century and its effects on art and culture, and hilarious applications of quantum indeterminism. Oh, and how Kevin Spacey is pretty fucking awesome. And the fact that, two sentences back, I used an Oxford comma for clarity's sake, despite my fervent hatred for the thing. And that I should stop talking sometimes.

(Oh, I forgot Gary Oldman. Damn it! "Where are the stones?" Gary Oldman! "EVERYONE!" Gary Oldman! Damn it all. I should punch myself square in the face for that.)

Having a bit of supper, watching a film or a television episode via Netflix (classic Star Trek, Monty Python's Flying Circus, the original Twilight Zone to name a few), browsing the web for news and oddities, gaming in some fashion (traditionally a round of Rock Band with my regular group ++Redo from Start++, which is currently #3 on the 360 leaderboards, I'll have you know!).

What, other than the catgirl business up the page there? I suppose it would be that I bawled my eyes out whilst watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Those themes of mortality and opportunity and happenstance just resonated powerfully with me. Serious self-reflection.

you've even gotten this far without falling asleep or yelping in terror. I applaud you and naturally question your taste!

I'd hate to be more specific - I'd like to think I'm pretty flexible...in the business of dating interesting gals, not ready-to-order templates - but in general:

I prefer white brunettes and redheads.
I have a strong desire for intelligent, geeky and/or pop-cultural conversation.
I would like daily communication of some form (assuming I don't physically see you very often).

And please do not apply if you:
A) hate the band Rush,
B) don't "get" the Beatles or think they're overrated,
C) condescendingly tell rhythm gamers to "play a real instrument,"
D) wouldn't want to watch Star Trek, The Twilight Zone or any other sci-fi series whilst curled up together, and
E) would be opposed to wearing cutesy little cat ears.

These are all non-negotiable. Especially E.