It's interesting. I shouldn't even put this here because it's
counter productive to the intended goal of me having a page on this
web site but I'm going at this from a therapeutic point of view.
One in which you write a letter you might otherwise mail to a party
you have some unresolved issues with that due to circumstances
outside your control, death etc., you can't share your grievances
with said party. This is a letter to my issues I can't resolve. The
circumstances that gave rise to these 'issues' were outside my
control. I am and my issues are the result of pure random chance
that were subsequently amplified by a butterfly effect. I am
currently in a position that provides no value to myself in respect
to another person (potential mate). This is not pity, no boo
hooing, simply a fact. I find that fact impedes me even though I
don't feel like I require myself to have a set of minimum values
across those certain desirable, to the female, socioeconomic
parameters. Even so, knowing my aggregate socioeconomic value is so
low it excludes me from certain, and several, social interactions
demoralizes me and inhibits my desire for personal progression. I
have Asperger Syndrome which limits my socioeconomic functionality,
capacity, and growth. I am nearly physically incapable of
maintaining a normal job due to anxiety related stresses that arise
from my lack of any kind of social comfort or capacity. There are
other things impeding me from functioning similar to an NT
(neurotypical) such as thought processes that often produces a
negative self feeding loop with results similar to OCD. This
pertains to various items including food which has caused me to
gain a lot of weight and also caused me to form some very
unfortunate food related dependencies. I have been home bound for
about 5 years now. Going outside for longer than a few minutes
causes me to become overwhelmed. It pains me to be so honest with
myself. It is truly as though I am an alien visiting Earth in a
body that only resembles the native species. I am separate in both
processes of mind and actions taken by said mind as evidenced by my
wholly uniqueness and subsequent ostracization. I wouldn't change
how my mind works though. It provides me with unique and beautiful
perspectives of reality. It just doesn't tell me how to act or
present myself within a socially interdependent society. I wrote
this for myself, to myself and to who I could have been. I don't
ask for pity from anyone who might read this. I wrote this because
I needed to 'say' these things to someone, anyone, and as I have no
personal relationships this serves as a rudimentary surrogate.