Just got back from seeing Bruno. I wasn't expecting to be that offended, and I wasn't. I wasn't expecting to be bored, so it was at least surprising on that front.

Fortunately, because the movie didn't offer that much to keep my interest, I had plenty of time to think about things I would have changed. I'm going into specifics here, so if you're spoiler sensitive you'd best move along.

SAVE THE KISS FOR LATER - ever notice how every UFC fight looks kinda like two guys who are getting ready to bone each other? Instead of having Lutz and Bruno kiss each other and immediately alienate their audience, they should have had them wrestle for awhile. I bet plenty of people would have cheered them on for awhile, and we would have had the pleasure of seeing the audience realize that when things get too straight, they suddenly become very, very gay.

PUT GAY PEOPLE IN YOUR GAY MOVIE - rabbit hunting red-necks are uncomfortable around gay people. Surprise! Here's a little secret, though - some gay people are uncomfortable around gay people, too. Just go onto any gay personals site and search for the phrase "straight-acting". So why not take Bruno to a pride group that's trying desperately to blend as much as possible. What would happen next might not be flattering, but I bet it would be a lot more provocative.

DON'T USE 'IN THE NAVY' TO INTRODUCE YOUR ARMY CLIP - sister, please. Were the rights to "Macho Man" out of your price range?

WHAT'S GAYER THAN TOM CRUISE? - ok, rhetorical question. But you give Bruno the chance to read from any film in history and you choose Jerry Maguire? At the very least, I'd like to see Bruno do Meryl Streep. Devil Wears Prada if you want to be obvious - Out of Africa if you don't.

PUT THAT GUY WHO PLAYED CORMAC MCCLAGGEN IN THE MOVIE - I mean, why not?

SHOW US THE POSTER - the most intriguing part of his interview with the ex-gay was that kitschy "I struggled with my homosexuality...and SO CAN YOU!" poster in the background that looked like it was clipped straight from one of those 60s "fitness" magazines. I can't be the only one who's tempted to buy one.

In Borat, Sacha Baran Cohen managed to get people to play along until they were more ridiculous than he was. In Bruno, everyone just ran in the other direction. At least they got the 81 minute run time right.