Find better matches with our advanced
matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy

KoalaGuard

30 M Chicago, IL

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 23–38
  • Near me
  • For new friends, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Today – 5:02am
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
6′ 0″ (1.83m)
Body Type
Athletic
Diet
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Sometimes
Religion
Atheism
Sign
Education
Working on university
Job
Entertainment / Media
Income
$30,000–$40,000
Relationship Status
Open relationship
Relationship Type
Non-monogamous
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids
Pets
Likes dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), German (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
My grandmother and I bonded over online dating, which she started doing after her second husband passed away. She told me a story about a guy she met who asked her on a lunch date to McDonald's. It was a little weird, but the dating pool isn't deep at that age and my grandmother was a trooper, so she agreed.

So they go to McDonald's and she orders an iced coffee and they're having a nice conversation. At some point during the date, he sees that she needs a refill and heads up to the counter. He's gone for a unusually long amount of time before returning.

He sets her drink on the table, and it's this weird milky-grey color with a bunch of ice dumped in it. He explains that McDonald's doesn't offer free refills on iced coffees. So he had them refill her cup with regular coffee and then dumped a bunch of cream and ice in it.

My grandmother finished the date, but she never saw that man again.

Moral of the story: Never take a date to McDonald's, no matter what your age.

Other moral of the story: If you do take your date to McDonald's, you might want to spring for that second iced coffee.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Grew up in the northwest suburbs. Moved to Bloomington, Indiana, in my late teens and early twenties, played in some punk bands, and supported myself playing poker (online) semi-professionally. Lived in Las Vegas for a year (ironically playing very little poker), before moving back to Chicago, where I've been since 2009.

Now, I'm back in school, picking up gen ed credits at a community college before moving on to economics at a university. I write about mixed martial arts and train Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and edit highlight videos for high school athletes.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
GGG, which doesn't mean "great great grandmother." Unless you happen to be into that, then I might be willing to give it a try.

I make stencil art when I have the time.

I value the phrase "I don't know."
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
The Star Wars Kindle cover from Etsy.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: Hemingway, Hunter Thompson, Sam Harris, Joseph Heller, Crime and Punishment, the first half of the Brothers Karamazov, Hitchens, Orwell, the Giver, Mark Twain

Movies: The Empire Strikes Back, Wes Anderson, Christopher Nolan, the Coen brothers, Caddyshack, Scorsese, Kurosawa, Monty Python, Dr. Strangelove

Shows: Mad Men, the Wire, Louie, Monty Python, Savage Love, Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, Mr. Show, Chappelle's Show, Arrested Development, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, An Idiot Abroad, Downtown no Gaki no Tsukai ya Arahende!!

Music: The Beatles, Kanye West, Propagandhi, Dillinger Four, the Lawrence Arms, Simon and Garfunkel, the Temptations, Ray Charles, Fugazi, Refused, Elvis, Johnny Cash, Masked Intruder

Food: Salmon, Chipotle, salmon, pizza, salmon, chili, salmon, (grilled) salmon, watermelon, diner food, salmon, salmon and rice, salmon patties, grilled cheese, salmon?, salmon
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Chuck Taylor All-Stars
Thermal clothing
A black hoodie
Summer baseball games
Corrective lenses
Contraceptives
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
-Totino's pizza rolls are the best thing ever, but Totino's frozen pizzas are the worst thing ever.

-The cackling, sobbing, and labored dry heaving I hear from the guy who lives above me. And why I hear it at 8 in the morning. And why that guy is my landlord. (Update: Guy is no longer my landlord! Have a wonderful new apartment with wonderful new landlord!)

-HOLY SHIT THE SUN IS GOING TO BURN OUT AND SUCK US ALL IN. (UPDATE: AND IT'S GONNA HAPPEN TWICE AS QUICKLY AS WE FIRST THOUGHT!! http://goo.gl/EaUVo6)

Update: I have since learned that black holes do not act like vacuum cleaners. Carry on.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Rolling around with a bunch of sweaty dudes in our pajamas.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Not private, but important: I've had the same two best friends for two decades.

Kinda private, maybe important?: Pictures => Self-summary => You should message me if => Relationship Type => Skim rest => Mostly avoid Movies, books, etc.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
I don't know if it's best to put this at the top or the bottom, but I'm seeing danathrace. We date other people. I'd like to date you.

I've found it easier to date other people into GGG or in open or poly relationships, but I've dated people outside those scenes successfully, too. I'm open and honest and straightforward, and I expect that to be (mostly) reciprocated. I prefer relationship-building to one-time hookups.

That said, if you're looking for a serious relationship that may end up in marriage, you're barking up the wrong tree. (Note: I'm not actually a tree, and you're not actually a dog. If you are a dog, then you are indeed barking up the wrong tree. But to reiterate, I'm not actually a tree; though in this case you are, in fact, a dog.)

...you'll grow up to be Olenna Tyrell.

Also, I like weird people.