Update: I'm in a relationship with this lady: danathrace. We're looking for a lady. I also have permission to go on dates with ladies, so if you're looking for a no-pressure, non-threatening man to have a drink with, I'm your boy.

My grandmother recently told me about one of her online dating experiences.

She was chatting up a gentleman on whatever site she was using. Things were going well enough when the guy asked her out to lunch. He suggested McDonald's. My grandmother accepted because she is a nice lady.

So, she meets this dude at McDonald's. At some point, the guy finishes his coffee and gets up to grab a refill. He asks my grandmother if she'd like a refill on her iced coffee. She did.

After an uncomfortably long wait, the guy comes back. He hands my grandmother her drink, now half-full with some brown-grey liquid and packed with ice, and says, "Did you know they don't offer free refills on iced coffee? Don't worry, though. I had them fill your cup halfway with regular coffee. Then I just put a bunch of cream and ice in it."

My grandmother didn't see that guy again.

Morals Of The Story

1. My grandmother is a badass. My other grandmother is also a badass, for different reasons. I love them.

2. If you take your date to McDonald's, be courteous enough to spring for that second iced coffee.

1. Writing comedy.

2. Editing video.

3. Doing the jiu-jitsu.

4. Hosting a podcast.

Pop-a-shot/Super Shot/whatever. I'm willing to bet kisses against whatever silly thing you want me to do.

Laughing at Stefon segments.

I laugh, with ease and gusto.

If anyone knows a more effective way to do this than rambling lists, holla at your boy.

Books: Hemingway, Hunter Thompson, Sam Harris, Joseph Heller, Crime and Punishment, the first half of the Brothers Karamazov five times, Hitchens, Orwell, the Giver, Mark Twain

Movies: The Empire Strikes Back, Wes Anderson, Christopher Nolan, the Coen brothers, Caddyshack, Scorsese, Kurasawa, Monty Python, Dr. Strangelove

Shows: Mad Men, the Wire, Louie, Monty Python, Mr. Show, Chappelle's Show, Arrested Development, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, An Idiot Abroad, Downtown no Gaki no Tsukai ya Arahende!!, Savage Love, Bill Burr's podcast, and WTF whenever the guest is good

Music: The Beatles, Kanye West, Propagandhi, Dillinger Four, Simon and Garfunkel, the Temptations, Ray Charles, Fugazi, Refused, Elvis, Johnny Cash

Food: Salmon, Chipotle, salmon, pizza, salmon, veggie chili, salmon, (grilled) salmon, watermelon, diner food, salmon, salmon, salmon, salmon, salmon

Roger Sterling's wit, a pair of Chuck Taylors, the koala guard, two-character scenes, public transit Kindle, bike lanes

-Totino's Pizza Rolls are the best thing ever. Totino's frozen pizzas are the worst thing ever. How is this possible?

-The noises my landlord/neighbor makes. Cackling laughter, unmitigated sobbing, labored dry heaving. It's impressive/depressing. Also, why he feels the need to make phone calls at 8 a.m.

-Why some girls (and boys, I imagine) hide their bodies in their photos. Cause, like, it's pretty transparent, and there are people who are probably into your body type, and you're going to have to meet eventually if you're doing this thing right, so you might as well show off what you got going on.

We all agree this is the worst one, right? There's no good answer for this. To wit:

"Out drinking with my friends!" = You might be an alcoholic.
"At home reading a book!" = You might be an introvert lacking social skills.
"There is no typical Friday night!" = You might be the worst person ever.

I nod my head like "Yeah!" Occasionally, I also move my hips like "Yeah!"

You know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.

You value some or all of the following:

Science/Reason
Honesty/(Objective) Truth
GGG/Sex-positive
Learning/Reading
Comedy
The Designated Hitter
Whatever anti-entitlement is