MISCONCEPTION #2: Women who post very conservative pictures, are marriage material and should be approached with respect.
THE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU: Both are false. Don't let the somewhat sexual pictures throw you. I am practically mother fucking Teresa!
Dear party goers,
You are late to the party. No, no don’t worry! It’s OK because I am still at the party. In fact, I am the party! I am the music, the confetti, the lights, the refreshments, the piñata, the spilled drink on the floor, the decorations, and the interesting woman with the questionable dance moves. Let me describe a few of the guests that have come and gone in the time the party has been dragging on:
~Men who have no idea that deodorant or toothpaste exists (x4)
~Men who are unsure of how to adhere to social norms, like pausing in conversation to breath, or allow your date to say something. (x3)
~Men who think it is reasonable to arrive on the first date with a love letter in hand (x1)
~Men who are so obviously gay that I felt bad for them in their failing efforts to stay in the closet (x3)
~A chain smoking, cocaine using, binge drinking-- heart surgeon (x1) yikes!
~Men who mistakenly found comfort in my being white like them, who openly talked about how racist they are. (x2)
~Men who had bizarre sexual fetishes that were beyond what I could handle (x2)
~Men who lacked the openness and imagination to keep up with my bizarre sexual fetishes! (let’s keep this number to myself)
Let me be a little more specific about who is invited to my party:
*You are somewhat well-endowed.... to quote a brilliant woman I recently overheard on the subway, “It’s not the length, it’s the roundth!” (I am not a size queen, I swear, there is some wiggle room here)
*You have a dry/witty/sarcastic/silly sense of humor and don’t take yourself or life too seriously. We should be laughing more often than not. Pointing and laughing at each other and at your Mom.
*You want a wife one day. A best friend. An amazing lover. A woman who has a career that has prepped her for being a kick ass Mom one day (I am a career nanny).
*You are taller than me in heels, this means you should be at least 5'11.
*You try not to be a jerk, but when you occasionally are one, you know how to admit you were wrong and make it up to me with lots of orgasms and back rubs.
*You earn more than I do. I don’t care that this seems shallow. I know my value and I insist on being acknowledged for it in a dating situation.
*You live by yourself-- This one has made many of you really mad! Lol! I am happy to explain. Wait, no I'm not.
Be you. Be confident! And most importantly, don't contact me if you don't fit the above criteria...