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I've become a bit of a hermit. The reason for this is that there's nowhere that I truly fit in. I'm a multi-faceted individual, and very few people have ever even begun to come close to truly understanding me on my own level. I've been dumbing myself down to fit in for so long that I'm afraid it's beginning to become the real me. I don't like that. I've always dreamed of finding a woman that truly gets me, but I passed it off as "just a silly dream" long ago. I don't like that either.

There are two fundamentally conflicting sides of me. In Myers-Briggs terms, there's the ruling INFP side and there's the lesser INTP side. In plain English, there's the intuitive, emotional, loner/slacker. He's a hopeless romantic always dreaming of that perfect beautiful relationship (but painfully aware that it's a myth). He's the guy that has to fight to not cry at Sam's Club while watching the scene in Superman Returns where everyone watches him fall out of the sky, unconscious, then the first responders are rushing *him* to the hospital. He's the guy that sees at a bar when a girl is flirting with an oblivious guy. He's the guy that sees relationship troubles in couples when they think they're hiding it perfectly well. He's the guy that gives serious marriage advice/input to an old crush's husband at the ten year reunion. He's the musician that performed at every talent show and acted in many of the high school musicals.

The logical side of me though is the guy that set records for high scores in the math competitions and never had anyone the same age or younger score better within the entire county. This is the side of me that I tend to keep to myself, as writing that sentence will no doubt have turned off many people reading this profile. It comes across to many people as bragging or egotistical. This "INTP" side of me is the math-geek/engineer/programmer/philosopher side. This is the side of me that understands or figures out how every part of everything works. It's what makes me just randomly fix things that are "broken" and why I've read books ranging all the way from the semi-Buddhist views in "The Holographic Universe" to the hard-core atheistic views of "The God Delusion."

A little bit of praise goes a long way with me as does a little bit of rejection. Therefore, I hate "dating." I see online dating as a necessary evil due to my complete lack of a "social circle" since moving to California, but it's impossible to imbue a proper appreciation for the awesomeness that is "Hank" with only a small set of relatively non intra-personal paragraphs. Reading my profile and every one of my journal entries may begin to give you insight into my mind, but you still won't quite know what it would truly be like to have me as a friend until you try.

I go through fits of what I call my "Holy Crusade du Jour." My passions have changed many times through my life. My extreme fascination with mathematics ended after about ten years when I received a degree. My passion for writing poetry, however, ended when a recipient told me I wasn't any good.

I discovered a passion for playing and writing music a long time ago, but that has waned since I no longer have 24-hour access to a grand piano. While I can play many instruments, I'm a pianist at heart, and without a true piano, I'm relegated to listening and singing along (keyboards and uprights just aren't the same). I should note that while I am a true computer geek, I've bought myself more musical instruments than I have computers in my lifetime.

I'm incredibly introspective, and I'm very passionate about understanding myself. I also love learning how things work--hence my fascination with mathematics. I stopped desiring to learn more once I got to the point where I could no longer find a real-world application. This desire to understand extends to computers, people, and reality in general. I'm a programmer, I enjoy studying personality theory, and my understanding of mathematics and physics has lead me to atheism.

I still have the romantic delusion that someday, I'm going to find a semi-perfect woman that likes me for who I am.

...understanding incredibly complex systems.

I'm great with a camera. I have many awesome photos, but I'm always *behind* the camera. Photography was never really a hobby of mine until I got the instant gratification of a digital camera. Check it out!

I give the best hugs. Yes, I've been told that by many, many people. In case that wasn't obvious enough, I'm a hugger, and I come from a family of huggers. I even give my best high school guy-friend a big hug when I see him every few years. You can tell a lot about a relationship from the hug.

I'm a good listener, and I'm good at understanding people. I take that back. I'm *really* good at understanding people. Sometimes I catch details about people and don't even realize that they don't see it in themselves. I've had best friends apologize to me for using me as their therapist (not something you'd expect to hear from a computer geek, eh?). At the same time, I can also be completely oblivious to everything that's going on around me. I may not notice a new pair of shoes, and I may forget that I was supposed to boil two cups of salt, but I will notice the slightest change in your mood, and I definitely won't leave you stranded at the airport.

I'm really bad with new relationships--you know, that clumsy, awkward stage where I know I like you, but I haven't yet figured out if you like me too. Since there's always an insanely large amount of stuff going through my head, it's hard to write a short, flirty email when there's already soooo much I want to discuss. My profile should be a dead-giveaway that any email you get from me is not likely to be brief. Apparently, I'm also not particularly good at figuring out who's worth the effort of an email (after all, I'm still on here updating my profile).

I'm told that I'm really good with kids. I guess if kids are usually excited to see me, that probably means I am.

I'm told it's my laugh. I've even had improv actors stop on stage and say, "Thanks Hank," when I was apparently the only person in the audience laughing. Yes, this means I've frequented a few improv groups enough that they know me by name *and* my laugh. My bird has started laughing like me (in his own way). It's impossible to stop giggling when he's hiding under my jacket and spitting out his staccato quacks.

Depending on the environment, though, I might also just be the quiet guy that's on the edge of the group paying attention to everything to see what's interesting--like the girl that's obviously interested in the guy, but the guy clearly has no clue.

I think this movie quote pretty well sums it up:

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio: what is sacred, of what is the spirit made, what is worth living for, and what is worth dying for. The answer to each is the same: only love."

Alternatively, I could go very basic and add to these four: quantum electrodynamics and gravity.

I think that about covers everything of any importance. ;)

The origin of the universe, evolutionary theory, and evidence for the existence (or lack thereof) of God. I was raised in a pretty fundamentalist Christian household--with speaking in tongues and everything. Since I've gone against the beliefs of the vast majority of my family, I often feel I need to support my own lack of belief, so I do quite a bit of reading. Did I mention that my dad is a preacher?

Also, I think a lot about what makes people work the way they do, including figuring out why I'm the way I am. I really enjoy taking the tests on here, as every once in a while, I learn something new about myself, and I learn more things that make me different from everyone else.

Hanging out with friends, watching a movie, reading a book, playing my guitar or mandolin, surfing the web... all at once, while trying to keep my bird from pooping on my shoulder. ;)

Or, I might just be on here updating my profile.

I'm afraid of getting into another serious long-term relationship. It's hard to desire something you're afraid of acquiring. Don't misinterpret that. I have no interest in short-term uncommitted relationships, but I know every relationship has to start somewhere. If we don't have the potential of being best friends, we don't have the potential of becoming romantically involved.

Oh, and I cry during incredibly cheesy, unrealistic love stories. Don't tell anyone. kthx. ó.ò

• you crave meaningful human interaction and contact.
• you thought my profile counted as such so far.
• you like hugs.
• you won't be offended if I'm smarter than you.
• you just thought, "right, you won't be smarter than me."
• you know who Richard Feynman was.
• you followed the movie "Primer."
• you have root.