Cell phones: good or evil?

• Good
• Evil

Cell phones are not inherently evil. They are simply a tool, and the good/evil of the use depends upon the intentions of the user. Paper is also neither inherently good nor inherently evil. Some uses of paper, like passing laws based on the superstitions of a two thousand year old society, are inherently evil, and though the contents of the book may be borderline evil, the act of burning the book to remove it from our collective knowledge would definitely be evil.

The same holds true for the ice pick.


ps. I'm assuming the phrase, "cell phone," is used colloquially and not as a reference to a specific technology used for wireless communication. In the latter case, they are inherently evil because they are massive energy drains and chew up large chunks up the frequency spectrum relative to modern digital alternatives. Just thought I should clarify. ;)

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

• Yes
• No

Not anymore. Up until early this year, I kept one with me in my car, though. He was a penguin appropriately named, "Pengin[sp]." Technically, he was a gift for an ex, but she didn't appreciate him like I did, so I kept him for myself when we split up. :)

Please don't hold it against me that I decided that he was a part of my past that I needed to let go of.

Could you imagine yourself killing someone?

• Yes
• No

I have a powerful imagination. I can imagine it. Is it plausible? Well, no. Is it impossible? Well, probably not.

Okay, that's not entirely true. I'm rather protective of people I love, and there are things I can think of that could justify such an action. Note, though, that contrary to this, I believe that the GOVERNMENT does not have this right.

Have you ever studied math BEYOND calculus?

• Yes
• No

To some, the answer to this question would depend on whether it is referring simply to Calculus I (derivatives). My answer, however, does not. As part of my math degree, I took all four semesters of calculus as well as the two semesters of advanced calculus. On top of this, I *elected* to keep going, and I also took the two semesters of Analysis which technically counted as graduate level math.

Actually, that was what finally satisfied my decade-long urge to learn more math. I figure that doing calculus on stuff that isn't necessarily numbers counts as being well beyond the realm of remotely useful. It was quite interesting, but that was the first time I sat through a math class thinking, "this is completely useless."

Are you smarter than absolutely everyone you've ever dated?

• Yes
• No

UNFORTUNATELY, yes. :(

One of them would probably dispute that, so this probably needs qualifying. I'm thinking raw logical/mathematical ability here. She would probably still dispute this, but she would be wrong. If we were talking reading comprehension or lack of apathy, I would have to surrender to her English major. Actually, I gained 100 points on the verbal portion of the SAT by rethinking my answers using the question, "how would SHE have answered this?"

Can you run a mile without stopping?

• Yes
• No
• Yes - And More

I have never in my life been able to run a mile without stopping. This includes when I was in the great shape, solid muscle, lifting weights, "running" a mile five days per week. I can sprint like crazy (even overweight as I am). There was only one guy in my high school that could keep up with me (the football team's running back). I've never been an endurance runner. My dad is, but I'm just not built like that.

I've just finished reading the first chapter of the third book in the Ender's Game series. I can't stop crying. It's seven pages about characters of whom I know nothing, and yet I can't stop crying. I even put the book down and went off to do other stuff, and I still can't stop crying. Why? Because in seven pages, I realized that the dream I've long since given up on is the ideal that makes marriage so perfect for so many people, and it's a happiness I am afraid I am doomed to live without. In seven pages, I saw a man's intellectual and philosophical dependence on his wife--a dependence that I have never been capable of relinquishing because I do not trust people to be correct. I do not trust people to not screw things up. But if I cannot trust the woman I love to be competent, then how can I completely love her? How could I ever truly depend on her? How could I ever commune with her at all? If I see most everyone as inferior to myself, if I see her as inferior to myself, then the only love I can ever experience is a small slice of the whole--an appetizer. It's a taste of what could be, and it only serves to whet my appetite for something more. The more I learn, I realize I've settled in the past. I've settled for less than I deserve. It's not about beauty or attractiveness. It's not about what she does for me or what I do for her. It's about whether it's even possible for one to understand what the other desires to convey. If this cannot be achieved in both directions, the relationship is doomed to failure for at least one will find this to be an unbearably lonely existence, where not even the person you share your life with can comprehend your desires, curiosities, whims, theories, confusions, joys, bursts of insight, or even the reasons for why you feel you are not understood.

If I ever do find this, I will fight to the death to keep it. In seven pages, we see this. If she were to ever die, there would surely be nothing left worth living for.

From last night's movie: "WITHOUT YOU, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. ... I declare now that I will give my life to you, and if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die."

I die a little every day. And so I cry.

Imagine you are at a social event and your partner says something you disagree with strongly. Which of the following would you most likely do?

• I'd support them even though I disagree.
• I'd just keep quiet.
• I'd politely disagree.
• I'd argue my point aggressively.

This depends entirely on what's said and what it implies about her as a person. If I found out she had voted "yes" on Prop 8, I would argue my point aggressively on the spot. If it was something that just made her look stupid but otherwise didn't actually affect anyone, I'd try to just keep quiet (e.g. a belief that we never landed on the moon... or a belief in astrology).

I disagree strongly with all three of these positions, but only one of them is worth going through the effort of sacrificing my relationship on the alter of the betterment of humanity. If it's not worth the fallout of public humiliation, it's not worth bringing up.

"WITHOUT YOU, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even though I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I swear I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week--I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you, even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it May-may. I will only pass gas under the covers and only the direst of circumstances. I'll go on a low cholesterol diet, and I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I reach my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week--even if your mom is a big witch with a capital "B." You know, and your parents don't have to live in a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare: I will separate the whites from the colors. I'll learn the mysteries of hot water and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on your makeup. If you're a cat person, I'll never point out that a dog can save your life from drowning but a cat can't. I will happily go see chic-flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice." I'll make a point to try new foods like okra gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by putting cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?" I'm going to bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle." I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm going to save every birthday card you send me, and I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never going to expect you to remember where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those male bikini underwears if you like. My belly button will always be lint-free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever have. I declare now that I will give my life to you, and if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die."

---------------------------------------------------

I just finished watching this movie, and I believe it's unexpectedly going high on my list of all-time favorites. I streamed it from Netflix online expecting to watch some brainless romantic comedy, but I was amazed at how philosophical a movie it truly is. In my mind, it properly defined the power struggle between real men and real women: it defined old-school feminism from the humanist male's perspective.

Furthermore, I really enjoyed this movie's one sex scene. Every other movie I've seen portrays it as either an object to be acquired or some "beautiful romantic perfection." The reality is that the beauty, romanticism, and perfection is in the *reality* of the humor, noises, messiness, pleasure, and utter intimacy of the clumsiness that comes with familiarizing yourself with someone else's body.

This movie represents romantic love as I see it and as I delude myself into believing that I've experienced it. We all fall in love with an ideal just to find out this ideal is NOT the person we're with... and then we fall in love with the reality.

I was told recently that I have missed my life's calling and that I am wise beyond my years. While it's a wonderful compliment and nice to think about, the topic of discussion is why this experience has meant so much to me. I spent an evening talking with an old classmate and spouse about their marriage. One of them even said I had given more useful advice than any of the people they had paid.

I'm not writing to discuss their marriage. The issues in their marriage are between them. I'm writing about myself. I recently took a two week trip to the east coast, and this is one of several eye-opening and self-validating experiences I had along the way.

I went back home for my ten year high school reunion. Traveling from Los Angeles to Asheville, NC, I held the record this time around for greatest distance traveled to get to the reunion. On top of this, I also held the record for most divorces (at two). Of course everyone asked me how I like California, and the response that I gave was that I fit in better out here--being a liberal, an atheist, and a relatively aggressive driver. As the two-day event went on, eventually I realized that this is actually not true.

What's really been vexing me since then, though, is why. In attempting to pin down a specific reason for this feeling, the best I've been able to elucidate is my difficulty in finding community out here. While my general philosophies fit in better out here, I still find myself alone and without a true friend nearly four years in. Furthermore, I haven't been single this long since early in high school. My theory is that Los Angeles is full of so many materialistic users-of-people that every initial meeting has an artificial barrier of distrust and uneasiness that must be slowly broken down over time; anything that makes you look exceptionally friendly, open, intelligent, or trustworthy is assumed to be a front--an attempt to portray yourself as something you truly aren't in order to position yourself better to take advantage of someone less guarded.

Or perhaps after marrying a woman who wasn't the person she portrayed and having her cheat and leave me for another man, maybe I'm the one distrusting and guarded. (Who needs therapy when you have a blog, eh?)

Spending time with my classmates helped to remind me of whom I really am. I went to school with these people from middle school to high school, so they were present for the most profound example of self-discovery I've had in my entire life: I'm smart. As stated unprompted by one of my classmates, I'm "the smartest guy in our class." You may be reading this and thinking that I'm arrogant or egotistical for just bringing it up, but my intelligence is one of many defining characteristics. With my class mates, I don't have to prove this. To my own initial surprise at the time, I already have... over and over again. If anything, my biggest dream for the past ten years has been to show up at the reunion and prove that this isn't all I am. I never imagined that I would show up to my reunion alone, but I can't imagine how I could have differentiated myself better if I had not been alone.


I bought a book many years ago when I originally began learning about the Myers-Briggs typology. The description of my type was, "performing noble service to aid society." For many years, I did not truly understand, and I even felt a little like a failure to my own personality type. In the past year, I've realized that I've been doing this all along, but I do it under a different guise: I'm a rescuer and a protector. I've always been one to keep an eye open when I see people in sticky situations, ready to offer help in whatever way I can.

This is actually the one thing I loved most about my five-year job at Radio Shack. I regularly got to help people understand things that they otherwise wouldn't have had a chance to understand. It was a commission-based job, but I'm not a sales person. I was unwilling to jump through the company's hoops and pressure customers into completely unrelated gimmicks. Unfortunately, this meant I was never paid well, but I loved it anyway.

My "noble service" has always been something I do for an individual. For me, it's like improving society one random act of kindness at a time. I don't do laundry for people, mow lawns for my neighbors, volunteer at the homeless shelter, or even help old ladies cross the street. I do, however, put money in expired parking meters, smile and wave at little kids, fix random broken things, and I do my best to make sure the stranger sitting next to me on the plane is as comfortable as possible. For this most recent trip, that involved talking with woman for hours and sharing the music on my iPhone with her. I even managed to find a pair of artists that spoke to her so perfectly that she cried to the lyrics of the songs (that would be The Indigo Girls).

There was enough about her that made this a non-starter as far as a romantic relationship is concerned (she lives on the far side of the continent, has a kid, and is married). If it weren't for all of this, I think we each would have been interested in the other, and this was surprising. It's been a really really long time since I've felt that kind of mutual interest, and it really meant a lot to me. Furthermore, this experience also reminded me of the fact that I have been completely unsuccessful in finding someone with whom I share my basic philosophical beliefs. The people I get along best with are those least likely to also be atheists, as people driven by emotion are the least likely to subscribe to a logical philosophy that implies that as part of the universe, we truly are small and meaningless in the grand scheme of things.


My two distinct rescue attempts at my class reunion both represent the epitome of me, and both are events that the "rescued" would probably prefer I not divulge in detail (one is not discussed at all). As I mentioned in a blog entry nearly two years ago, I'm aware that my habit of rescuing people has gotten me into relationships that probably shouldn't have lasted remotely as long as they did. I've learned that while the people I help out are exceptionally grateful, and women love a man that has come to her rescue, this is definitely not a good way to start a long-term relationship.

Despite the detail that an incredibly small number of people experienced this side of me at the reunion, I still feel like this counts as success. Regardless of whether anyone ever mentions anything again, I know I made a big difference in several people's lives--at least for a little while, and that has made all the difference to me.