I want to make a dating profile in the style of a Choose Your Own Adventure.
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22 • F • Cupertino, CA
- Last Online
- Online now!
- 5′ 3″ (1.60m)
- Body Type
- Mostly anything
- When drinking
- Atheism, and laughing about it
- Libra, but it doesn’t matter
- Dropped out of space camp
- Less than $20,000
- Relationship Status
- Seeing Someone
- Relationship Type
- Doesn’t have kids
- Likes dogs and dislikes cats
- English (Fluently), German (Okay), C++ (Poorly)
I want to make a dating profile in the style of a Choose Your Own Adventure.
Top 5 messages I get are as follows:
"Hey how was your day?"
"You have a triforce tattoo?!"
"You are beautiful and I am lonely"
"I want to say something and am too intimidated and so participate in a self-fulfilling prophecy in which my message is deleted because I have nothing of value I am confident enough to say, which is a shame because I am the only person on this list worth actually talking to but I have ruined it with my self-consciousness"
Short story- The Country of the Blind, by H.G. Wells
Poem- The Tyger, by William Blake. Howl, by Allen Ginsberg.
Movies - Gattaca, Equilibrium, V for Vendetta. Anything Tarantino breathes on. I don't consider myself an intellectual, no. Even if I did, pretty sure calling myself one would disqualify me as an intellectual and qualify me as a douchenozzle.
Fun fact: I've watched Dead Poet's Society like six times. ALL ENGLISH TEACHER SUBSTITUTES HAVE THE SAME MOVIES.
Music - I LISTEN ONLY TO POST-ROCKCORE COMPOSED ON THE ELECTRUM AXE-LYRES OF A SPECIFIC CLASS OF ANGELIC WHORE-GUARDIANS.
Television- I used to be big on My Little Pony but fell off around the second season. I'm keeping up with Legend of Korra right now even though I know it won't be as good as Last Airbender. Let me know if you want to marathon Buffy or X-Files or Star Trek or something along those lines, there are a lot of series I want to watch and haven't.
I enjoy: Beef stroganoff. Persimmons. Crunchy food. Asian people food.
I make: A mean baconwaffle, kick ass spicy spaghetti, "fuck-it" nacho cereal, improv crepes, bachelorette curry, and some pretty good schnitzel.
Six degrees of turbulence or separation.
Six numbers a die, to keep my sense of wonder
Six ways to orient and find my location.
Six feet of dirt that I'll put your body under-
Six cans a pack bury your manifestation.
(translation: music, games, stories, adventure, violence, booze.)
I also enjoy overly structured poetry that is not necessarily aesthetically pleasing.
Transhumanism, because oh god oh god do I want to be Motoko Kusanagi or Kimiko Ross. I would give away my whole body to be one of them, not even a little bit joking. I wish I worked hard enough, but the going is slow.
Sometimes the most beautiful thing there is can be the fingerprints left by a homeless man on the otherwise flawlessly clean window of an upscale restaurant. Anyone can impact anyone in any way, even when they've passed on to the next block, or town, or world.
• in the corner, in the spotlight, losing my religion,
• drunkenly answering OkCupid messages. This could also be any other night.
• dressing up like a hipster, making fun of my exes, ohOH
I found the perfect man once and left him waiting for me at a coffee shop, I wear those stupid toe-shoes, I don't really like pizza, I hate steampunk kids, I despise lazy unmotivated manchildren because they remind me of what I'm trying not to be, I spent way too long learning the completely useless skills of spear fighting and archery which I no longer really practice and are therefore useless, I generally have a really low opinion of myself(but not as low as my opinion of everyone else), I'm very probably in love with the concept of a guy who I will never meet, I'm the opposite of a demisexual, and I am terrible with money. GO AWAY YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
Oh, and I answered that a kilometer is longer than a mile. It's a longer word, now isn't it?!
- Bi girls only
- Ages 18–30
- Near me
- Who are single
- For new friends, short-term dating, casual sex
Things I like in a mate:
-Sends messages with original content.
-Time spent developing interests, hobbies, your own social circle, and positive personality traits instead of crying while listening to The Shins or The Cure(depending on your age group)
-Curves if they don't look like they belong on an electric scooter and WalMart. I prefer the gentle swole of a woman or man who enjoys sweating, but rail-thin is pretty hot too. Basically take care of yourself, whatever shape yourself is.
-Interest in obscure bullshit that nobody else has time for and understanding that I do too and it might not overlap but that is okay.
Things I dislike:
-Identifying as organized-religious, MRA, otaku.
-One line messages.
This exists to give you a crash course in what it's like to be me on OkCupid, back when I advertised an interest in men.
"You seem like a bitch. The okcupid system is totally fucked if YOU have a thousand messages. Enjoy it because we know you made this profile because you don't get approached by guys in public. Get over yourself! You're like a 3 out of 10 on a good day. Piss off rathead." -shredhead84
"You have hands-down THE best profile on this goddang website, if not the whole of the internet (well, maybe not better that Maddox), and i'm not just saying this to get on your review section there. I don't know think i really knew what i was looking for (other than the obvious), until i landed here. THANK YOU (weeps)" -BayArea_nomad
"Writes a lot but well, I only fell asleep once. Appears very fun in person and makes me happy knowing interesting people still exist. Reviews thing is brilliant, brought real LOLZ." -coolsexguy420
"Where do they make girls like you?" -CleverCleat
"I'm trying to decide if I like you. You're offensive, crude, and to be honest, probably psychotic. However, I'm turned on and OKcupid says you're a 99% match. What the fuck." -JimboJenkins
- "I know you like to think you're a paragon of logic and reason amongst the peasantry here but you aren't. You aren't any more original than the dozens of other girls here who take a stab at being pseudo-intellectual with their "You're a douche" this and their "You're a loser" that." -Tomacuni
""I don't want to meet you. I'm almost certain that you can shoot laser beams from your eyes, or some other ungodly power that would make me cry. But if that day does come where we inadvertently meet gazes at the local supermarket, I expect our battle to be legendary. If - against all odds - we both survive, perhaps we can be friends. Because FRIENDSHIP IS FUCKING MAGIC. HAHAHA" -vietnaflip
"I'm still puzzled as to why I didn't choose to go out with you sooner
I mean come on... it's like I'm dating a nerdy girl who could be featured in Mortal Kombat." -Bodudus
"VictorianXVixen gave me: Smarter Than The Average Bear
Awarded Apr 21, 2010
“The conversations I have had with this girl have been nothing more than humorous and enlightening. I'm happy to see that there are still some smart people out there in cyberspace who deserve to honestly be called nerdy.
I love the talks we've had about lolita fashion and the different things she does for fun. She's really a great conversationalist, and I'm always down for talking to her about anything. She makes me smile, and I genuinely enjoy talking to her.
SeeElleAyeEff gave me: Friends In Real Life
Awarded Jun 8
“She makes herself sound like pretty much the coolest chick ever in her profile, but she pretty much is.”
Mobius-Strip gave me: The Great Date
Awarded Aug 19
“This one time, she and I were having a battle to the death on top of Mt. Olympus.
I was given the Trident of Poseidon, and she was calling her bro Zeus for his lightning rod. Zeus was a bitch and told her to get her own, so she kicked him in the teeth and stole his lightning so we could continue our battle.
More epicness ensued, and we even got a battle choir going in the background with a drum set and a bunch of other cool shit.
OUT OF FUCKING NOWEHERE! A horde of alien/werewolf/vampire/faerie/zombies fell from the sky and started attacking us... they killed one of the guys in the choir, and that shit just ain't cool... so we spent the rest of the day killing the entire horde of whateverthefucks.
It was a pretty meh day for the both of us.”
queenofghey gave me: The Perfect Mix
Awarded Sep 5
“This lady is my #1 dude and she doesn't give a FUCK. She's the greatest friend I've had in a long time and one of the best and strongest people I know. If you so much as THINK about messing with her, well, she'll kick your ass but I'LL WATCH AND CHEER HER ON”
Sick_Profile_Bro gave me: The Great Date
Awarded Sep 26
“I wouldn't know anything about dating LadyErrant because she'd never go for a guy like me or anything in any way, but if I were to date her, I bet it would be the greatest thing ever, like a Yeti with jackhammers for hands. Or if the Earth had two moons, and one of those moons could talk and it was really loud but it was okay because it told funny jokes sometimes so everybody liked it.
Yeah, it would definitely be something like that.”
digitalia gave me: Smarter Than The Average Bear
Awarded Oct 15
“Does words well and gives zero fucks. A++ would perv again.”
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