What? You want me to sit on your face?

I am bubblegum, lollipops, and fourthmeal.

I'm going to sing your pants off while it's pouring down rain and drag you into the ocean. Then I will laugh at you because you are not wearing pants and you are soaking wet and it is freezing. Then I will cartwheel away until I am dizzy, at which point I will start singing again and ask if you have any lunchmeat.

I am vegan and it is very important to me. Did you think I look like this because I sit around eating steak and beating dogs all day? It's a big fucking deal. It's not some diet I'm on; it's a rights issue. Rest assured, I don't eat gay people or black people, either.

Not without their consent, anyway. ;)

I live every day like it's my first. That doesn't mean I'm willing to put up with your bullshit.

I am looking for someone who likes sad girls. Not because I am sad, but because I would like to be sad when I feel like it. If you are sad, it better not be about something stupid. That would really piss me off.

I am a lousy lover. I love the wrong things and I love them way too much. But I'm good at what I do.

I smell like flowers and taste like an ash tray. I have a stupid butt. I like cookies and candy.

I'm in the business of losing twist-ties.

I have the same birthday as Steve Irwin and George Harrison. Places like Top Foods and QFC remind me that I have been in love.

I have an uncanny ability for potent love. It could happen to you. I will never be a millionaire. I break too many broke hearts. I cry for people who don't exist.

I don't like it when people watch. I like having sex in public.

My vagina is too little for your penis. Yes, even yours.

I prefer the company of women when I'm feeling cuddly.

Want to see your dick shorten? Think of me with your mom's hair. If you don't have a dick, imagine me with your dad's hair and you'll grow one.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU A HOT-TUB HAND-JOB.
I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU A HOLLA BACK GIRL.

"You gotta take life cereal, baby."

Okcupid should change the word "inbox" to "hitlist." I'm sick of people messaging me. You don't need me to validate you just like I don't need you to validate me.

If it was the 80's when you get mad you could just drive off to some abandoned area and do a dance.

I can throw as many rocks as I want. I'm a brick house.

Vaginasaur.

No, really.

I like to hang out in the locker room at the public pool so I can shower with strangers.

Also, as kind of a long term goal, I'm going to shave my junk so when a dick hair gets on it I know it's not mine.

To tell you the truth, I'm not even interested in dating. I just want to make some friends and I'm not stupid enough to think that sex won't end up happening with one or more of them at some point. Anything beyond that should come from the natural course of our interaction.

I don't see a ring on this nipple.

Being awesome.

And running into things.

I have excellent control of the muscles in my anus. I can use certain muscles to keep my poop in while using other muscles to push a huge fart out. This skill helps me avoid awkward situations. ;)

Also, I'm really good at making okcupid users wish I dated meat-eaters. Must be the fart talk, right?

I just need to make sure that the actions of my boobs are consistent with my ethics. What is YOUR definition of happiness?

"You are absolutely breathtaking without your pants on."

I am the perfect combination of boobs and brains.

My smile, and that I am giggling.

And no, I am not giggling because I am girly, I am generally giggling because there is a lot of humor in life's constant disappointment.

But sometimes I am giggling because I am girly.

Then they ask me if my eyebrows are tattooed on my face.

I am in a bad mood because my nipples won't stop being hard and it hurts.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

Sometimes people ask me why I'm so pale, but it's usually because they've never heard of white make-up.

Other times they notice that they don't see me, but it's probably because I'm not there.

Christopher Moore
Kurt Vonnegut
Denis Johnson
Richard Bach
Walt Whitman

Natural Born Killers
Run Ronnie Run
Leaving Las Vegas
School of Rock

Crass
Dead Milkmen
Cramps
Cold War Kids
John Prine
Patsy Cline
Violent Femmes
Ke$ha
I don't listen to music.

Pesto
Spinach
Breadsticks
Raw Desserts
Vegan sex food

The thought that Mickey Knox really does exist and he is out there waiting to show up on my doorstep with some meat. (Woody Harrelson is vegan.)

My really awesome tits.

The thought of Virgo humor.

Coffee-fuel for reading.

Bi-racial women to ogle.

A place to be alone.

Someone to talk about astrology with.

The will to sing.

An unused dildo.

Your mom's last hairstyle.

Good fashion sense.

My keen wit.

My ability to ignore your stupid message.
I recently learned about the "report message" function. Now this goes hand in hand for me, because more than 50% of the messages I get are harassment.

A good hook.

Another thing.

My dreams and what they mean.

Why I wish karma existed.

The different reasons I need a good lawyer.

What I should be doing with my hands during oral sex
"I got your dick in my mouth; who's the tough guy now?"

General speculation, such as:

What it would be like to...

What would happen if...

The strange connection between...

The irony in...

The silliness of...

How angry I am that...

How much apathy it takes for people to...

What if i queef and it makes me fart?

Hanging out with 15 year old boys.
...dying my armpit hair.

This improves my relationship with god.

I just colored my armpit hair on a Monday, in the company of 20 year olds. I must be evolving.

Fuck you, god. I win.

I have a vaginal yeast infection, I'm allergic to polyester, and I'm waiting for you to ask me to prom.

I hit my head at least once a day. On accident.

My love of sammiches makes me vulnerable.

I like it when old people wink, even though it's kind of creepy.

Ohh... and I want to kill you.

It wasn't really a vaginal yeast infection. Turns out I was just starting my period. You'd think by the age of 24 I'd know what to expect.

I'm probably the only person on this site that reads people's entire profiles before looking at their pictures.

The "other" religion I'm very serious about is Ignosticism.
Just kidding. god is the devil.
But not in the way that Satanists think.

I just spent 2 1/2 hours watching porn and now I can knowledgeably say I think it's stupid. I don't care if you watch it, just don't expect me to.

If you are proud of how white your teeth are, you should probably leave me alone.

If you have something to say about veganism and/or carnism, definitely do not message me. I mention being vegan in my profile because it is important to me and is something necessary to address when considering dating or being intimate with someone. It is my right to mention these preferences - the point of a dating profile is to attract people you would be interested in actually dating. You are not original if you think it is an open invitation to share your opinions on veganism and/or carnism; you are misguided, not to mention, deluded if you think I will actually acknowledge your message.

But you should message me if...

You want to be just friends. Genuinely.

You want to help me flat iron my notebook paper.

You know enough about cosmetology that you could help me figure out how to change my skin pigment semi-permanently, so I can look like a blue hooker turned vampire and a goddess who kills men... and a beautiful badass.

You can explain to me why I get zits on my ass without telling me to do laundry or start wearing underwear.

You understand the difference between an appropriate and inappropriate way to talk to a stranger about her breasts.

You are a vegan musician and you want to play music with me.

You have some unexpected insight on why everyone on this site is an ugly carnist.

You don't have some stupid sign like Gemini, Ox, or Snake.

You want to hang out.

You don't mind being alone.

You have an iPhone charger and there is available parking outside your place.

****PLEASE... Do NOT message me if you are looking for a sex partner and you are not vegetarian. I am not interested in having relations with anyone who eats animals. In case the definition is unclear, this includes pescetarians.****

I want myself?

I have wanted myself all along?

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