I'm bored, at work. I can't leave or be loud. I'm too tired to read, and not allowed to sleep. There's no TV, but I have a laptop. Message me if you've got a solution to my boredom. I'm open to try anything.

Saturday, May 30th:

So I'm at work and bored. Nobody feels like messaging me, so I'll talk about myself here.

Like most people, I'm quite complicated. I'm nice, and caring at times, and the complete opposite at others. I guess the best way to explain myself is to start at the beginning...

I grew up with an older and younger brother. My mom left when I was 5 and we were raised by my dad. He did good, for the most part. He had it tough, and it showed sometimes, but we survived. His life goal was to be a Christian preacher, but a divorce is on the same level as drug use to many. Most churches wouldn't allow a divorced preacher. So he did his best as a youth pastor, or preaching at smaller churches. Meanwhile raising some very evangelical offspring. In junior high, I went to a small school, back in Texas; About 10 students in my grade. There weren't a lot of people to hang out with. So when not in school, I'd hang out with the boys in my grade. I learned to fish, and basically learned how to be a 13 year old boy, because that was just about the only group there was. Fortunately, most of my peers were too intimidated by a girl to ever impose on the situation. So we just had a good time instead. Around that time, my dad remarried and we moved to Abilene, Texas. A much larger city, goodbye fishing.

I never liked my step-mom. She was too agitated with her obesity, and it made her out of sync with reality. She stayed that way until recently, when she had a gastric bypass. She has since lost 60% of herself and is becoming an enjoyable lady. Back to the story...

Oh, the good, the bad, the mundane, Abilene, TX.
I spent most of High School watching and listening. I was talented at photography, to such a point, I won the state fair twice.

My presence did not go unnoticed, like I had planned. I was skilled in repelling guys with such force, and then this one in particular took me by surprise. Now that I look back on it, I can clearly see, the reason I made an exception for him, was because he was genuinely smarter than I. Which was very rare at the time. I'd be in the darkroom, endlessly shaking a film canister, and he'd walk in with something like, "Could God make an atomic burrito so hot, he can't eat it?" The absurdity of such a comment drove me insane; I just had to respond. I was a knowledgeable follower of my fathers teachings, but around this time in high school, I was doing some exploratory thinking about other possibilities. As if he knew what was on my mind, day after day, I'd get something new. Something new to mentally chew on. Of course, our topics went well beyond that of mere ontological argument like stated above. Eventually we'd eat with each other at lunch to simply discuss our thoughts and research. His name was Dan. Long story short, we had a moment or two, but it was High School. I had enough brains atop my shoulders, to not get in anything too serious. I did however graduate high school an Atheist.

I graduated a little early with fairly decent grades, but nothing impressive. I began my life like anyone else would. I worked at a crummy job, but had fun at night. Although, this didn't last long. It was as if my mind could not sit on these unanswered questions. If there is no God, no afterlife, what's the point in doing my job? What's the point of getting out of bed? What's the point in fearing death? Life clearly seems to be almost all about work; If so, why do it? Questions like these made me an emotional wreck. I searched endlessly for answers, but I never found any of sufficient meaning.

So I came up with a different plan. Most people weren't bothered by these type of questions, why was I? I figured most people had more important things to worry about. Basically, they were more concerned about their life, than these questions.

So, a life? That's what I needed. I thought about this, and decided a quick way to get one, would be to join the military. I joined the US Army at age 17 as a Finance Specialist. I now laugh at the absurdity of my logic, but I'd have it no other way. I am forever changed by this decision, and looking at my friends today, I like the direction I have taken.

Basic training was the only fun, or "mancho" stuff I got to do. The advanced training and then my actual work, was just tedious, and aggravating. I got to my duty station, Ft. Hood, TX and guess who it is. Dan from high school. Having been a year ahead of me in school, he'd already been there a few months. As if we picked up right where we left off, we enjoyed each others company once again. The next year, was possibly the greatest year of my life. I no longer asked those questions about life, I simply enjoyed it; And then we deployed...

So, Iraq. What can I say? Honestly, I never thought of myself to be the type, who actually went to a place like this. I didn't want to shoot people. Well, I knew I'd never have to anyways, but I still walked around with an assault riffle for a year, so it was all very different. I guess I should have thought about this type of thing more prior to signing up. Either way, combat zone or not, it was pretty safe. The closest to danger I ever got was riding in the back of a Bradley, or helicopter when they needed me to change FOB's. Dan however was Combat Arms, and he was always getting into trouble.

It was hot. Like really hot. I'd stand in the shade, and the wind would blow in my face, like as if someone next to me opened an oven door. We both came back to the states with all our fingers and toes. And enjoyed life once more. Lucky for me, my ETS date came shortly there after and I of course didn't reenlist. Dan however had to deploy again. About 4 months before his deployment, we got married. We had a happy 4 months. Near the end of his deployment, he was involved in a roadside bomb, which killed him and two other members of his crew.

Since then, my personality has been mostly consumed by this. I bought his favorite car, I learned how to work on it, I learned how to build computers, I read many books, trying to catch up to his philosophical level and understanding. I chase adrenaline like a cocaine addict chases their next fix. I've climbed a 5.12, 280ft cliff without rope, shoplifted, bungee jumped (Many times), outran the police. And stuff I ought not talk about. Currently I get my fix through more reasonable means; I go hiking and mountain biking for the sake of coming down the mountain at an unsafe speed. I prefer on foot, but sometimes the friction is too much for my feet, so I'll use a bike. Just about everything he was into, I have done to remember him. As if, when I do these things, we are still together.

Although part of Dan has become me, I now attempt to break this obsession. First by speaking about it. I no longer do these things for him, I do them for me. I guess moving on is what I'm trying to do here. It's easy to tell yourself you're going to do something, but until you begin to tell others, it's hard to hold yourself to it. So here's to moving on.

I'm sure by now I sound like a complete nutjob. I guess I am.

As for more recently, I've been working in childcare. I work the 3rd shift, and that's about all I want to say. Given I work alone, I shouldn't give too many details about my place of employment.

I still ask myself those questions I had shortly after high school, but I strive for the feeling of not needing them answered. I strive to be happy enough to live life.

So, back to what I was originally trying to say; I'm complicated. Many people consider me a nice person. I however, do not. Although I can be nice, I can also be very bitter. I'm usually bitter towards people I find I can't learn anything from and nice to people who have something to teach me. I am working on this, I really am.

Something important to note, I'm not looking for a date. Sure, this is a dating website, but I come here because it's active and there are people to talk to. It also ask, "What you're looking for?" and as you can see, I didn't select a date.

I work about 25 nights a month, so I'm on here a lot. Feel free to send me a message, if you want someone to talk to.

What are my plans for the future?

I don't in the least bit have this figured out. I guess one could say I should stop pitying myself; But I think I'm beyond that. I just have a hard enough time as it is staying happy. One could also say, life isn't about staying happy all the time, and to this, I must ask, "Then what is it about?"

I've got plenty of college funds, so I've began doing online schooling. Although, I'm going to change major next semester to English Literature. I think I want to write. I have always thought about it, and I consider myself talented for my education level; But that's just not enough. So I'm going to school for it in the fall.

Since I originally wrote this, I have learned a lot about myself and my beliefs. My thoughts aren't exactly perfected, so I can't write a lot on it; But I've come to the conclusion, for at least right now, I live to learn. ((I'll try to write more on this later))

As of late, I have been finding various hobbies and interest. I plan to find one that sticks out from the rest. Something I enjoy, something that makes me happy. When I find it, I will execute it to the best of my ability.

From now on every time I listen to a song I like, I'm going to try to write it down here: (Since June 2009)

Heavy by Collective Soul
Summer of '69 by Brian Adams
Zero by The Smashing Pumpkins
Daylight by Matt & Kim
Right Now by Korn
Disposable Teens by Marilyn Manson
Talk by Coldplay
Second Chance by Shinedown
Viva la Vida by Coldplay
Welcome to the World by Kevin Rudolf
Love Story by Taylor Swift
You Found Me by The Fray
Addicted by Saving Abel
Love Remains the Same by Gavin Rossdale
No Surprise by Theory of a Deadman
All Right Now by Free
The Pretender by Foo Fighters
Slipping Away by Dope
Love Song by Sara Bareilles
You Ain't Seen nothing Yet by Bachmen - Turner Overdrive
Baba O'Riley by The Who
Use Me by Hinder
Re-Education (Through Labor) by Rise Against
Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf
All Apologies by Nirvana
Better Now by Collective Soul
Sex Type Thing by Stone Temple Pilots
Paralyzer By Finger Eleven
Come on Get Higher by Matt Nathanson
Rock 'N Me by Steve Miller Band
Let it Die by Foo Fighters
Here Is Gone by Goo Goo Dolls
Inside Out by Eve 6
Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace
Is This Love by Bob Marley
Swing Life Away by Rise Against
Good Left Undone by Rise Against
Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne
Enter Sandman by Metallica
Afterlife by Avenged Sevenfold
New Slang by The Shins
Breakdown by Breaking Benjamin
Get Out Alive by Three Days Grace
Palladio by Escala
Between the Lines by Sara Bareilles