i have become inconsequential in my marriage to the absurd.
i am a walking carcass, once home to a person.
starting tomorrow i will walk only backwards until i find me yesterday.
there once was a something where i oft feel it's lack.
who do i pay? what is their fee? what's the going rate for the whozeemawhatsit i'm looking for? my credit's no good, but i've got a shitty job doing nothing i care about day after day and that damn well better count for something more than rent and $3.799/gallon.
i spend all my dollars dreaming and i spend my dreams sleeping.
lend me a knife and i'll cut off my thumbs, no more aspiring, just be the best monkey i know how to be with the monkey tools i've been given.
in a drop of a dime heartbeat, if only, if only, imagine if only, i could stand naked on the 405, shielded from the oncoming traffic by some handy dandy $.99 iphone app, and shed my limited human potential transforming into a 300 foot pacifist monkey robot ruler. oh, dear god, if only.
i've done it again. there i go, mocking myself and everything around me. where does this gluttonous appetite for absurdity come from? is it a guilty conscience for 1st world privilege? poor me. no matter how hard i try to fail, i will live out my days in relative comfort and ease. fuck.
in my experience, the worst pain is accompanied by laughter. true pain, of the visceral sort, no matter the source, brings laughter. kind of a "that's it? fuck off! that's the worst? i'm still breathing and that's it? time to break some bread and show me to the farmer's daughter because i just made pain my sissy bitch! HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA! ouchy." sort of a feeling.
pleasure/pain... i hate cliches, mostly because someone besides me came up with that shit ...they stimulate that part of aliveness that magnifies the experience.
ehh... no longer interested at this time. i'll delve deeper into my 300 foot pacifist monkey robot ruler aspirations at a later date. for now, i guess i am just another monkey with thumbs. i'd rather be a monkey who could suck his own penis.