Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
i am obnoxiously whimsical, a monkey with thumbs.
i have become inconsequential in my marriage to the absurd.
i am a walking carcass, once home to a person.
starting tomorrow i will walk only backwards until i find me
there once was a something where i oft feel it's lack.
who do i pay? what is their fee? what's the going rate for the
whozeemawhatsit i'm looking for? my credit's no good, but i've got
a shitty job doing nothing i care about day after day and that damn
well better count for something more than rent and
i spend all my dollars dreaming and i spend my dreams
lend me a knife and i'll cut off my thumbs, no more aspiring, just
be the best monkey i know how to be with the monkey tools i've been
in a drop of a dime heartbeat, if only, if only, imagine if only, i
could stand naked on the 405, shielded from the oncoming traffic by
some handy dandy $.99 iphone app, and shed my limited human
potential transforming into a 300 foot pacifist monkey robot ruler.
oh, dear god, if only.
i've done it again. there i go, mocking myself and everything
around me. where does this gluttonous appetite for absurdity come
from? is it a guilty conscience for 1st world privilege? poor me.
no matter how hard i try to fail, i will live out my days in
relative comfort and ease. fuck.
in my experience, the worst pain is accompanied by laughter. true
pain, of the visceral sort, no matter the source, brings laughter.
kind of a "that's it? fuck off! that's the worst? i'm still
breathing and that's it? time to break some bread and show me to
the farmer's daughter because i just made pain my sissy bitch! HA
HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA! ouchy." sort of a feeling.
pleasure/pain... i hate cliches, mostly because someone besides me
came up with that shit ...they stimulate that part of aliveness
that magnifies the experience.
ehh... no longer interested at this time. i'll delve deeper into my
300 foot pacifist monkey robot ruler aspirations at a later date.
for now, i guess i am just another monkey with thumbs. i'd rather
be a monkey who could suck his own penis.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
i have decided to get a jump on what will unquestionably be the
most valuable post apocalyptic commodity and have thus begun
transferring my assets from cash and property into the odor of
bacon; for it's appeal is truly timeless. heed my warning, ladies.
stockpile that amazing bacon smell now or you'll wish you
had....can't say i never tried to help you way back once.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
finger blasting. eating. sleeping. writing. acting. a vast array of
shock and awe defense mechanisms. i'm probably the best dancer
you've never met. once you meet me, there is a 94% chance i will
become the best dancer you've ever met (probably closer to a 96%
chance, but i like to exercise humility).
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
the size of my balls. euphemistically, i mean. unless i'm not
wearing any clothes. then they would most likely notice, literally,
the size of my wobblers.
the last 3 people to notice first things about me said the
-"laurence? wow! are those your...? are those your nuts in my
pants? my goodness! everything else about you is completely
unsuspecting, but you have the most magnificently large pair of
-"i can't believe this is the first time i'm quite so affected,
laurence, but you are so strikingly handsome that i believe i am
going to vomit. damn youuuhhaahh..."
-"yer a short fucker, eh?"
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
favorites can go fuck themselves!
aaaand i imagine tom robbins, chucky bukowski, kurt vonnegut, woody
allen and most artists i admire (musical, culinary and suchwhat)
have each enjoyed a healthy quantity of self coital activity in
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
-i think my penis is quite clever and rather enjoy it's
-i'm very serious about my sense of humor, so...2.
-boobs, i suppose, but not even, like, actual boobs themselves. i
mean more, just, the general concept of boobs; as in something to
reach for. i am nothing without the pursuit of a dream. men aspire
to tangible reward. it is in our nature; welded to the foundation
of the survival instinct. boobs are man's carrot on a stick. they
will lead us to mars.
-i suspect that every month or two for the rest of my life, i will
likely devour a box of sugar cereal 2 bowls at a time (maybe i'll
beat this one. time will tell.)
-a hopeful willingness to try and find a way to be of service to
someone or something besides myself (especially when i feel like
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
you possess advanced dance technology from far away galaxies and
are prepared to hijack the dancefloor at a moment's notice.
you are conscious and awake at this point in your life and have
chosen to be a part of the evolution of the human spirit via
collective, creative means and not simply have a day job and drink
your nights away...by all means, get in touch with me, beautiful
Who are you looking for?
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