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I never quite understood the term "hopeless romantic" although I recently realized that I am one. I think it is only because I have had some of those heart stopping, idealized, only people on earth moments, so I know it's possible. But, are they special because they are actually real and perfect, or do they only seem so because I make them so in my mind...?

Being a Christmas eve baby is, well, nothing special. It used to be cool, to be born on a pseudo-holiday, and often un-cool to get the shaft on presents. But I don't really care about either of those things anymore so I don't really even think about my birthday anymore, it's just like flag day or something: I know it's there, but it's nothing special. I don't think it's sad or anything, I just think I have a completely different conception of birthdays.
I was out for breakfast with my best friend today for our annual birthday/christmas bacon-fest (which is probably the best thing about my birthday) and the waitress saw that I had a birthday gift bag, and she actually looked at me with pity and said "awe, that's rough..." I wonder what the hell I'm missing out on. Birthdays must be fantastic.

I pretty much gave up on any belief that there was someone "up there" watching out for me a looong time ago. But every now and then something happens that just seems too inexplicable. So I was driving across the state of PA to go home for the holidays and it was a little snowy. Long story short, there was a big truck who had a hard time staying inside the lines and the next thing I know I'm facing the wrong direction on the highway. I was probably spinning around the road for maybe 7 seconds, but I remember having time to analyze the whole situation: should I keep the wheel straight, turn into/away from the way I'm spinning, break, hit the gas? Of course I did nothing, I think I just sat there trying to look where I was going, but I was like a cat trying to follow a laser pointer, everything just moves too fast. I thought I was going to end up in the ditch, was hoping for it actually, then at least the spinning would stop. But just as I was about to cross over that wonderful, traction creating rumble strip, the car decided it needed one more spin around before ending the show and I made a very graceful 180 spin before the rear of my car slammed into the concrete central divider that so graciously stopped the spinning and I see the traffic coming head on.

So now I'm sitting in the shoulder, facing backwards, cars are just passing by like I'm some deer carcass: everyone knows something bad happened, but no one cares to look at it. It was weird, I didn't really know what to do. I turned off the radio because it somehow seemed appropriate, and put on my 4 way flashers. Fascinating, I was alive and unscathed, in fact my CD player didn't even skip on impact. I wondered if I should call someone, but who? Well, there was a lull in traffic so I turned the music back on, pulled a slow U-turn and headed on my way.

So I was wondering, how was it possible to begin spinning at 55 mph and end up lightly bumping the divider (there was hardly a scratch on my car) and how did it happen, that all of the cars on the road seemed to disappear as soon as I lost control even though there had been heavy truck traffic for most of the drive. Was it divine intervention? or luck? or coincidence? I thought for a moment, "I really need to thank someone for me being alive right now...god?" But instead I thanked whoever it was that designed the central barrier, and the highway planner who had the foresight to put it there. Then I thanked whoever designed my car so that it was able to absorb the shock. We really don't give humans enough credit. Then I thanked myself for not panicking, and decided it was my fault there were no cars around because I had been driving so slow, I was at the end of the pack.

But there must be some sort of force at work, because it does seem pretty lucky. I usually have really bad luck, a lot of coincidentally bad things happen to me. But every now and then, when something lucky happens, it's really lucky. I guess it all balances out in the end.

So,okcupid made the very wise decision to not put a "what I am looking for" section in the profiles. If this were the case I have the feeling that more people would spend all their time writing long paragraphs about what they want and not concentrate enough on themselves - which is the whole point of the profile (I am still shocked at how maybe people fill the "about me section" with what they want, making them seem like all there is to know about them is that they are overly needy).
ANYWAY, if there WAS a "what I am looking for section," I don't even think that I would know what to put in it. I can say that over the past year I have found out a lot about what I DON'T want (also, I wish I could use italics cuz they make for better emphasis but all I can do is caps). I don't want anyone immature, I have put a great deal of effort into trying to be a grown up so I want to be with someone who is also a grown up, however then you run into the problem of boring people, which I also don't want. I KNOW that a happy medium exists between being mature and still being silly when necessary.
At first I didn't think it would be important for the man I was with to be working in the same field as I am (which there aren't many), but I have found that it is actually really imperative to a healthy relationship for him to at least have an interest in art/museums/any kind of cultural property.

Wow, this is really boring, I'm sorry. ANYWAY, I DO want someone I can take to museums, go camping with, stay in bed til 2pm with. I have also found that I can't be in a relationship with a vegetarian. I wish it weren't so, but I just get so much joy out of eating, and I love meat and I often feel guilty eating meat when I'm with a vegetarian, it's very strange. I NEED to have deep philosophical debates, I NEED arguments and adversity so that my brain doesn't stagnate. I think of myself as a woman, but I don't always act like one so I refuse to be stereotyped as "woman," in fact I don't tend to like females that much, I guess I stereotype too. I am vulgar, so I need someone to talk dirty with me. I am insatiable and sometimes out of control so I need someone who can keep up with me.

Hm, I've rambled. This is the most meaningless post ever, I will make it up to you all later I promise. It's more hedonistic than anything else.


EDIT: Before I ruffle any more feathers (you people are so sensitive) I just want to say that I have no problems with vegetarians or their eating practices. It's just that one guy I dated told me I was a terrible person for ordering a hamburger and since then I just get really anxious eating meat around vegetarians. I grew up on a cattle farm, I learned to eat my pets at a very early age, I can't help it, I am a product of my childhood.

So I have noticed an alarming about of agnostics and atheists on this site, which I find surprising. Either there is some kind of connection between not believing in god and not being able to get a date, or people are just getting lazy. I mean, it used to be so taboo so admit a disbelief in god, so only the really hardcore people would go public with the fact. Now it's just like, whatever, it's en vogue now. I think it really just comes down to laziness, seriously, it does take a little bit of effort to have religion, and there is the whole burden of sin and everything, depending on the religion so people think, "hey, I don't want to go to church anymore, I'm becoming agnostic." Well it doesn't really work that way. If anything, it takes much more effort to be a true agnostic than to follow a popular religion. Basically, you gotta make all your own rules, you should be actively thinking about what you DO believe in, and not just thinking, "eh, I don't know," cuz from my experience, those that "don't know" actually still believe in some kind of god, they just don't want to put any effort into that belief.
Losing my faith was one of the hardest mental and emotional things that I've ever done, I mean, I did a LOT of research on Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Philosophy just to make sure that there was no way that god existed and that all there was, was me. It's kind of heartbreaking, having to let go of everything that you were taught as a child. And it never stops being hard. My aunt, who I had lived with for some time, very recently passed away, and while I was at the funeral I was hit with the brutal realization that "hey, she's not in heaven, she's not looking down on me, I can't talk to her ever again." Those are the moments when most agnostics choose to suspend their (lack of) belief and go back to thinking what will make the situation easier. Well, you are just as bad as all of the Christians can't seem to follow of their own rules in the Good Book. You can't pick and choose when to believe in something. You either do, or you don't. I don't look down on anyone for following any sort of religion, and I admire anyone who can follow it well and have the discipline to do so. The same goes for agnostics and atheists, if you truly don't believe in any religion, and are actively working on what you DO believe in, then mad props. Everyone else, just think twice before you click the "agnosticism" box, chances are no one is going to think less of you if you tell the truth, so just do it, and then say hi to your grandma up in heaven and tell her to tell my aunt I said I love you.


(EDIT)
So clearly people are not quite picking up what I'm putting down. Thanks everyone for the comments, I really didn't mean to upset anyone or provoke anyone, I just like to make people think. I wasn't by any means saying that ALL agnostics are lazy, I think there is probably an equal amount of lazy Christians. Basically, anyone who doesn't want to think, is lazy, that's the long and short of it. And being Agnostic or Atheist takes just as much of a mental effort as being Christian or Buddhist, right?
ALSO, this is my BLOG so don't get pissed at me for writing my own thoughts. This entry was actually more a way of me dealing with the death of my aunt and wishing I did have some kind of faith so I could believe that she just wasn't gone forever, so thanks to anyone who got the point.

So I joined this thing for three reasons, I feel like I need to justify myself because quite frankly I'm embarrassed to be here.

1)Almost all of my friends live in the city and most of them are guys. So not only is it expensive for me to go visit them but when we do go out, it is very hard to pick up guys when you are surrounded by them all night. (PS I love my guy friends and wouldn't change anything)

2)I work at home. I get up in the morning, go to a corner and paint and draw for hours everyday. Sometimes I go for 48 hours without so much as seeing another human being. It's lonely.

3)I just got out of a looong seeerious relationship, well, a year ago. And since then there has only been one guy who I wanted to be in a relationship and he strung me along for awhile before telling me one night, "oh by the way, still love my ex, I'm leaving in the morning" so I am trying really hard not to think about him, and having random strangers talk to me on here helps.

So that's it, that's why I'm here. I'm not looking for anything other than a little human contact every now and then. I have a really hard time thinking of people that I meet online as real, it's strange to me. But feel free to try and prove me wrong, it will be interesting.