Said no one ever.
As I sat here typing with my WD-40 stained fingers and wondering how I'm going to be able to convey the complex set of MAD SKILLZ that define much of what and who I am,
I suddenly thought to myself
"WWSD?" (What Would Snookie Do?) Which is really rather odd because I barely know who she is, and proudly have never consciously watched so much as a nanosecond of "Jersey Shore".
None-the-less I quickly drank an entire bottle of vodka,
which is a particularly bad idea for someone like me who drinks like a
......well....person who doesn't drink much.
SOooo as I refunded the vodka into the nearest trashcan, it hit me like the hot kiss on the end of a wet fist! I thought to myself "JSSCHLBRandbsieyrrrr.."
because I was utterly hammered
but after several cups of coffee my head cleared enough to think "Jus chill bro and be your usual adorable
(depending on who you ask) self."
Reading these online profiles is a lot like reading a stack of resumes. I think it's safe to say we all dislike drama and insincerity. And we all like puppies and walks on the beach and good conversation, and good conversations with puppies walking on the beach.
Is everyone copying off of the same set of crib notes or something?
Build it and they will come. (no pun intended)
♥ I have a good job/career in spite of the fact that I've been a
musician most of my life.
♥ I am an amateur artist, historian/archaeologist, aviator, rationalist, and skeptic.
♥ I am believer in people and science, not magic.
♥ I am highly regarded by most dogs and cats.
♥ I really like using bullet points.
♥ I can dance on skates like a sum'bitch.
♥ I will eat most anything.
♥ I am well house broken.
♥ I would rather be entertaining than entertained.
♥ It's probly some deep seated self esteem thing.
It’s a little known bit of sports trivia that I would have been a favorite to win a gold medal at the Olympics were it not for the fact that I am about as athletically gifted as an average preschooler.
And the only thing I ever got out of lifting weights is
sweaty and bored out of my skull.
So like most of the rest of the world I am forced to live vicariously through someone else’s child from Florida who just happens to play football for Ohio State.
Here's just a few tips to make things easier for you:
♥ If you ever think to yourself "WTF? Is he serious?"
The answer is probly not.
♥ Anything I said six months ago is inadmissible.
All smartass comments are deleted from my brain on a weekly basis.
♥ If I ask what is wrong and you say "nothing",
I will believe you.
♥ Less than 2 % of all the people in the world can lick their elbow.
♥ I am a virtual walking fly Holocaust.
Me+flyswatter=certain death for those vile creatures
as I swing into action with the Ninja style cat-like reflexes of a TV gunfighter.
♥ If you think those pants make your ass look big,
then it probably is big, so don't even bother asking me.
If you read further you'll see I'm ok with a big ass*,
so I will never give you any other answer than
"Your ass looks divine, sweetheart!"
It's just better that way.
*This does not mean you can outweigh me by 200lbs.
Sorry if this applies or you are offended, so call me shallow, but you're probably going to have to get into a canoe or climb a steep hillside with me at some point.
♥ Check your oil. Please. Go ahead...I'll wait.
♥ Be honest..you tried to lick your elbow four bullet points back didn't you?
♥ If something I say can be interpreted two ways
and one of them will hurt your feelings or make you angry...
I meant it the other way.
♥ "Go Ahead" is permission, not a dare.
♥ If you need more shoes, then I need more tools.
♥ Peanut butter sandwich girlscout cookies are the finest
possible achievement in cookie technology....ever.
If you dispute this you are SO not on my list of people I would otherwise send Christmas cards to, if I weren't agnostic.
♥ Actually that's a fib because I'm too lazy to send Christmas
♥ There is not enough vodka on the face of this earth to get me into bed with you and your poly-amorous husband,
so don't bother going there.