Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I moved to Cleveland for the weather.
Said no one ever.
As I sat here typing with my WD-40 stained fingers and wondering
how I'm going to be able to convey the complex set of MAD SKILLZ
that define much of what and who I am,
I suddenly thought to myself
"WWSD?" (What Would Snookie Do?) Which is really rather odd because
I barely know who she is, and proudly have never consciously
watched so much as a nanosecond of "Jersey Shore".
None-the-less I quickly drank an entire bottle of vodka,
which is a particularly bad idea for someone like me who drinks
......well....person who doesn't drink much.
SOooo as I refunded the vodka into the nearest trashcan, it hit me
like the hot kiss on the end of a wet fist! I thought to myself
because I was utterly hammered
but after several cups of coffee my head cleared enough to think
"Jus chill bro and be your usual adorable
(depending on who you ask) self."
Reading these online profiles is a lot like reading a stack of
resumes. I think it's safe to say we all dislike drama and
insincerity. And we all like puppies and walks on the beach and
good conversation, and good conversations with puppies walking on
Is everyone copying off of the same set of crib notes or
Build it and they will come. (no pun intended)
♥ I have a good job/career in spite of the fact that I've been
musician most of my life.
♥ I am an amateur artist, historian/archaeologist, aviator,
rationalist, and skeptic.
♥ I am believer in people and science, not magic.
♥ I am highly regarded by most dogs and cats.
♥ I really like using bullet points.
♥ I can dance on skates like a sum'bitch.
♥ I will eat most anything.
♥ I am well house broken.
♥ I would rather be entertaining than entertained.
♥ It's probly some deep seated self esteem thing.
It’s a little known bit of sports trivia that I would have been a
favorite to win a gold medal at the Olympics were it not for the
fact that I am about as athletically gifted as an average
And the only thing I ever got out of lifting weights is
sweaty and bored out of my skull.
So like most of the rest of the world I am forced to live
vicariously through someone else’s child from Florida who just
happens to play football for Ohio State.
Here's just a few tips to make things easier for you:
♥ If you ever think to yourself "WTF? Is he serious?"
The answer is probly not.
♥ Anything I said six months ago is inadmissible.
All smartass comments are deleted from my brain on a weekly
♥ If I ask what is wrong and you say "nothing",
I will believe you.
♥ Less than 2 % of all the people in the world can lick their
♥ I am a virtual walking fly Holocaust.
Me+flyswatter=certain death for those vile creatures
as I swing into action with the Ninja style cat-like reflexes of a
♥ If you think those pants make your ass look big,
then it probably is big, so don't even bother asking me.
If you read further you'll see I'm ok with a big ass*,
so I will never give you any other answer than
"Your ass looks divine, sweetheart!"
It's just better that way.
*This does not mean you can outweigh me by 200lbs.
Sorry if this applies or you are offended, so call me shallow, but
you're probably going to have to get into a canoe or climb a steep
hillside with me at some point.
♥ Check your oil. Please. Go ahead...I'll wait.
♥ Be honest..you tried to lick your elbow four bullet points back
♥ If something I say can be interpreted two ways
and one of them will hurt your feelings or make you angry...
I meant it the other way.
♥ "Go Ahead" is permission, not a dare.
♥ If you need more shoes, then I need more tools.
♥ Peanut butter sandwich girlscout cookies are the finest
possible achievement in cookie technology....ever.
If you dispute this you are SO not on my list of people I would
otherwise send Christmas cards to, if I weren't agnostic.
♥ Actually that's a fib because I'm too lazy to send
♥ There is not enough vodka on the face of this earth to get me
into bed with you and your poly-amorous husband,
so don't bother going there.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
♥ I wanted to be an evil scientist, but they expelled me from the
National Academy of Evil Science because they said my ideas were
THE FOOLS! (shakes fist in air)
I was forced to turn to a life of good deeds and respect for the
♥ I Just renamed my iPhone "The Titanic"
When I plug it into iTunes, it says "syncing The Titanic"
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Blues guitar, drawing and painting, repairs, cooking, aviation
stuff, smartass remarks, rollerskating, flirting, shoulder rubs,
writing funny shit, Halloween, driving long distances, Getting that
little plastic thingy out of the Parmesan cheese, exposing
bullshit, buying gifts, Christmas lights (yeah, I know)
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My shaved head, charming wit, and I am constantly mistaken for John
Hamm.....by no one.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
"Kenneth I was just about to answer this guys five messages about
my boobs with an offer of sex, but I noticed he didn't list every
book, movie and band that has ever got his attention for more than
ten seconds in his profile"
said no woman ever.
I rarely miss an opportunity to not watch TV.
It's not that I don't think I'm missing anything,
it's just that I have enough demands on my time as it is.
Besides, if I buy a TV, my computer will get very jealous
and you know how they can be.
I love most all music, except C&W for some reason I can't
explain. Well maybe I can, but just won't. I've been playing the
guitar for ..ahem...a long time, and I do tend to gravitate towards
The books I read tend to be non-fiction (go figure)
I love TCM, and just about anything funny.
What!.... is the airspeed of an unlaiden swallow?
I am a podcast junkie. NPR, comedy, history, science, almost a
hundred in all.
Favorite quote: "You have to be careful with quotations on the
internet, they often are not genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Why six? Because seven would be just random and pointless now
OK here goes..
Dogs, cats, guitars, sarcasm, humor, coffee, THE BLUES
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
♥ My flashy new and improved OKcupid profile (not)..
♥ Oh and sex with attractive women, there's always that.
♥ Sex like oxygen, is only a big deal to those who can't get any.
Just between you and me and the internet, we can leave the whole
sex thing off the table until such time as you feel the urgent need
to jump my bones, in which case I have known few women in my life
who were not perfectly willing and able to alert me in no uncertain
♥ What I say: "I don't believe in a christian god".
What they hear: "I conduct a nightly ceremony where
I eat a baby, and have anal sex with the devil"
Which is of course utter nonsense.
(I only have to do that once a year or so).
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Not buyin it hunh?
OK then, Let's just say it's a FACT that no one has ever seen me
and him in the same room.
OK....I'm on FB...there I said it,
just one or two things a day, usually funny (go figure)...I cant
I'm so ashamed.
[hangs head in shame]
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You meet any of the following criteria:
♥ You have the other half of the magic amulet.
♥ You have any cash or gifts you'd like to offer.
♥ You have a really good joke.
♥ You know what a FW190 is without having to google it.
♥ You have small hooties, a big ass (or maybe a smart one), and a
thing for bald, middle-aged technicians.
♥ You have information regarding any large inheritances awaiting me
that I'm unaware of.
♥ You need someone to live rent-free in your beach house for a few
♥ You are compelled to communicate something to me, and are not
prone to stretching the truth.
♥ you like The Moth
**SURGEON GENERALS WARNING:**
This product has not been evaluated by the FDA, and is in no way
intended for the treatment of disease or boredom.
If your life sucks then you have no business trying to share it
This product may be habit forming.
This product may not be used while gathering moss, and may be
hilarious when combined with alcohol.
**THREATENING LAWYER SPEAK**
I hereby swear to whatevah,
that all the stuff in this profile (OK ALMOST all the stuff) was
written and performed by me and me alone.
It belongs to me and if any of you out there try an steal any of it
I will immediately fire off a STRONGLY worded memo to
THE MAN, and you will never work in this town again BUB!
Hell if you've made it this far........you're at least impressed
with my writing! Guhead n tell me,
I know I'm not for everyone.
Who are you looking for?
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