I am extremely complicated and perfectly simple at the same time. …which is weird, but I think that ANYONE who is self-actualized and awake and aware is going to be this way. Maybe I just described only 1% of the world's population but they are the only people I care about anyway.
Chances are good that I hate you, but if I do, you won’t even realize it. I love people and I love humanity and want to save it but at the same time I do think that the vast majority of people are mindless cattle, and that they are that way through conscious choice.
The normal response for elitist people (like me) is to separate, isn’t it? To secede into a splinter world of narrowly defined tastes and critique and irony and actively maintained and carefully farmed ennui. Hipster-ism is surrender, though, you know? “Separate but equal” all over again. I’m interested in culture at large.
I’m interested in everything.
What am I? I am not “chill”, I am not “laid back”, I don't like to "just sit in and relax with a movie". I’m not constantly tired. I don’t need a vacation. I might have made a good, um, …democracommunist. I don’t believe that we’re going to hell in a handbasket.
So, I recently realized that I am sort of a force of anti-chaos: I like to go around and order and organize and arrange things and make things run more efficiently. I pick up trash that isn’t mine, although grudgingly. I hate inefficiency and stupidity, laziness and pigheadedness.
I hate the word “just” more than any other; I believe that when cognitive dissonance happens, the sound effect is “just”. Like, it’s the onomatopoeia. I knew the word but not how to spell it.
Are there ANY profiles on this thing that don't start and end with "Well, pretty much I'm a pretty laid back and down to earth person, pretty much, pretty much I just like to chill and hang out, pretty much...pretty much?" FOR FUCK'S SAKE people.
Why would anyone list "hanging out" as an interest? Or LAUGHING? That's like, it’s like listing "breathing" as a hobby. Oh, you like to hang out with your friends? Whoa, wait, you like to relax and chill wit' movies? Oh, you're carbon based? Got 46 chromosomes? Oh, oh, oh, your DNA is shaped like a double helix, too? OH WELL FUCK ME! We've got so much in common WE SHOULD TALK.
So, I'm pretty much an ex-geek.
Step 1) Gather up your anime, manga* and whatever other children’s stuff you shave.
Step 2) Realize that you are in your fucking twenties.
Step 3) Now throw it all out the window.
Time is my polder (any James Joyce fans?), reclaimed from the bog of excess amounts of time spent playing video games. (Thank Christ I dodged the WOW bullet.) A computer is a tool, not a way of life.
*I still have a soft spot for Lone Wolf and Cub, as well as Samurai Executioner, although Path of the Assassin was weaksauce.
"I was uncool before being uncool was cool." I hate this neonerd trend. Look, those are cute glasses and a very tight fitting shirt indeed, but you don’t understand quantum physics, ok? No one does. I know you can shoehorn some ideas that you heard people talking about, once, into some ill-fitting analogies, but you can’t fool someone who’s sober. Just calm down.
You know what else is awesome? Unquestioned dogmatic hate of Christianity. Man, I can't get enough of that one. Listen, I'm definitely not some neo-con fundy fanatic, but I am tired of the cheap laugh. “Smart people make fun of Christianity. Therefore, if I make fun of Christianity, I am smart!” Somewhere, in a corner, statistical correlation WEEPS softly to itself because no one understands it. We talk about respect and tolerance, but for some odd reason these are courtesies never extended to the Christian religion. Know that I am definitely against ChristianDumb, I hates me some Phelps, and I’d like to think my theology has evolved past Sunday school rhetoric. But anyway, as I was saying. Social acceptability, I guess that’s what this is about. “Correct opinions”. We have certain prejudices that are socially acceptable, but I draw the line.
Also, I would love to see the day when “accent as joke” DIES and is properly regarded as boorish and ignorant. “Me so solly.” Fuck you. Here’s a phrase that’s been jangling inside my head for years: “Asian cultural rights movement”. And the Margaret Cho’s of the world make it worse. In my culturally irrelevant opinion, sometimes she’s wholly awesome, being all pro-whatever-she-is, but other times, she’s today’s Madame Butterfly. I think about racial relations today, in this day and age, and my teeth just sorta gnash themselves. Do you hear the gnashing?
I guess I don't really like sports and that sort of thing. I watch football, sometimes, because I have a penis and I like to drink beer and shout. I guess I theoretically like any sport where men visit violence upon each other. And ping pong. And Canadian logger sports. Hmm. I’ll get back to you on this one.
I think Hot Topic and Spencer’s Gifts just about embody the things I hate about youth culture. Well, CollegeHumor, too. Snorg Tees. Will Ferrel is Satan’s avatar made flesh and come to earth to torment us with fratboy comedy. Every time I laugh at something he says I die a little inside. Ok, the Super Bowl commercial was good.
Sometimes I hate clever and I usually hate irony. "Watch/Listen to/Read/Drink this; it's so bad, it's good!" My carefully articulated response: "Choke on poison and die." UPDATE: Ok, to be honest, though, I do kinda have a thing for horrible movies sometimes. That’s why I’m going to see Zombie Strippers, and I’m going to make my roommate watch The Guy with the Secret Kung Fu.
Am I an insufferable prick? Let me know if it's getting obnoxious. We can talk about stuff I do like.
I like to spend time in bars and coffeeshops and my friends' apartments and bookstores and libraries and museums and music stores and clubs. (I bet I can say that sentence in Spanish I. French I, as well. Yes, those are languages. I know; I took them in school.)
Note: When I say “bar” or “club”, I don’t mean crowded meat markets packed with Chlamydia vectors and douchebags with slicked back hair and incurable senses of entitlement. I don’t want to see the letters V and I anywhere near a P. And obviously, when I say coffeeshop, I don’t friggin’ mean Starbucks. *sigh* It’s shallow elitism, but it’s MY shallow elitism.
Among others, these webcomics bring me joy:
I recently took my girlfriend to the zoo, and then we gotta do the aquarium. I guess it’s obvious to say that we love those things, but we LOVE them.
I work a lot, whether it's literally at work or at home. I love my job. I love working in general. Definitely not “working for the weekend”. I still idolize The Office, of course. (Theorem: You don’t have to identify with something to think it’s funny, even when the humor is largely based on identity. Citations: My love of black stand up comedians, Jewish comedians (n.b. Fran Drescher), and The Office.)
It's unfortunate that the mathematician Erdos's quote - "A mathematician is a machine that turns caffeine into theorems." – is so... cutesy? and has been so overused and bastardized, because it’s true. We also metabolize alcohol into non-sequitor corollaries.
I piss away far too much time on the internet (but lifehacking is so much fuuuun). I organize and reorganize and systematize things obsessively, constantly trying to grease the wheels of the machinery that is life. You know those people that carry around notebooks? I’m trying to become one of those people.
So I've recently become obsessed with DIY, environmentally friendly household cleaning supplies. I know, exciting! Recycling! Filtering my own water and using non-BPA bottles! Yay! (It only took the environmentalist movement, what, 40 years to catch on? Better late than never. Thanks, Al Gore!)
My roommate wants to kill me (and if he doesn't, he should) because I have way too many tools in my apartment - I'm totally getting ready for that whole "Daddy's playground is the garage" thing later on. Dremel - it's not just a tool, it's an interest. I like building my own furniture and furnishings. Well, theoretically, I do; I am still a guy, after all, meaning I can’t ever finish a project.
I'm a nerd. (Proud to be a nerd, but not proud of being proud of being a nerd. Discuss.) I love learning and reading and discussing and analyzing everything. EVERYTHING. An unexamined life... Emerson once said, basically, “Wise men change their minds.” At first, I didn’t believe him.
Just ONCE I wish we could all break into sing and do a big choreographed musical dance number in the streets. (I work in Dupont, for fuck’s sake, make it HAPPEN!) I love walking through the city. I love running into friends by surprise when I go somewhere. It sounds ghey, but that shit is magical. Everything is exciting and big and full of potential.
All anger and love. It's the Korean condition.
I am self-actualized, intellectual, and completely nuts