I'm Dave. I was on a super long hiatus from OKCupid, but now I'm back. I didn't leave because I met someone, I was just one untalkative sushi date away from learning a second language and trying to get on the next season of 90-day fiance.
There will likely seem to be a real vibe of negativity from the rest of my profile. Ignore that, I just have a dark, grim sense of humor. I'm actually completely fabulous and any reaction to this profile outside of "Damn, I wanna sit on that dick" is the wrong one.
I'm based out of NH, but I won't be living in New England forever, so you'll have to pardon me for window shopping, women of far away lands
What I’m doing with my life
Mostly screaming "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE" at myself in the mirror. I then drag a straight razor across my forehead and shake my head like Beavis does in the episodes where he becomes Cornholio. Every morning I do this.
I’m really good at
Playing guitar, singing, drawing, photography, and dancing.
I'm just fucking with you, I'm terrible at all that stuff. I'm a funny jerk, so I don't need real talent.
The first things people usually notice about me
People see my large, 6'3" visage shamble down the sidewalk and often mistake me for some sort of sleeker, boltless Frankenstein. But then they hear my Barry White voice and my Jeff Goldblum laugh and see that I am a simple, bearded oaf who lies somewhere between "has some tattoos" and "covered in tattoos"
Oh, to answer your question, my enormous cock-bulge.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
You know I read all of the Game of Thrones books years ago, and tried to get all my friends to read it? They all stared at me like I asked them to rape an infant. Now all those guys watch Game of Thrones dutifully every Sunday with their fat, placid wives and make excited posts about it on Facebook. Fuck those guys.
The six things I could never do without
You know, people just use this box to look for reasons to disqualify someone. Even I admit I'd never hit up a girl who mentions God or Twilight in here no matter how thirsty she seemed. Shit, I don't even like it when people list their iPhone, and I own one. So no, I'm not going to list shit like "rum" and "strippers" and have you judge me for it.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Some of my friends play this game called "What would you do for $500?" based around the time a friend of mine gave a stranger on craigslist a footjob for $500, which I would do myself even though I don't need the money. As it turns out I would do a lot of stuff for $500.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I would snort a line of my father's ashes like it were cocaine for $500
You should message me if
Can you not read? You shouldn't. This is how I am all the time.
Also, my line of thinking these days suggests that I'm looking for something that is open/poly. It's not a dealbreaker if you're not about that, but it's definitely something I'd prefer.