Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm Dave. I was on a super long hiatus from OKCupid, but now I'm
back. I didn't leave because I met someone, I was just one
untalkative sushi date away from learning a second language and
trying to get on the next season of 90-day fiance.
There will likely seem to be a real vibe of negativity from the
rest of my profile. Ignore that, I just have a dark, grim sense of
humor. I'm actually completely fabulous and any reaction to this
profile outside of "Damn, I wanna sit on that dick" is the wrong
I'm based out of NH, but I won't be living in New England forever,
so you'll have to pardon me for window shopping, women of far away
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Mostly screaming "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE" at myself in the
mirror. I then drag a straight razor across my forehead and shake
my head like Beavis does in the episodes where he becomes
Cornholio. Every morning I do this.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Playing guitar, singing, drawing, photography, and dancing.
I'm just fucking with you, I'm terrible at all that stuff. I'm a
funny fat guy, I don't need real talent.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
People see my large, 6'3" visage shamble down the sidewalk and
often mistake me for some sort of sleeker, boltless Frankenstein.
But then they hear my Barry White voice and my Jeff Goldblum laugh
and see that I am a simple, bearded oaf who lies somewhere between
"has some tattoos" and "covered in tattoos"
Oh, to answer your question, my enormous cock-bulge.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
You know I read all of the Game of Thrones books years ago, and
tried to get all my friends to read it? They all stared at me like
I asked them to rape an infant. Now all those guys watch Game of
Thrones dutifully every Sunday with their fat, placid wives and
make excited posts about it on Facebook. Fuck those guys.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
You know, people just use this box to look for reasons to
disqualify someone. Even I admit I'd never hit up a girl who
mentions God or Twilight in here no matter how thirsty she seemed.
Shit, I don't even like it when people list their iPhone, and I own
one. So no, I'm not going to list shit like "rum" and "strippers"
and have you judge me for it.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Some of my friends play this game called "What would you do for
$500?" based around the time a friend of mine gave a stranger on
craigslist a footjob for $500, which I would do myself even though
I don't need the money. As it turns out I would do a lot of stuff
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
There is no typical Friday night. Sometimes my Friday night enables
me chug pure grain alcohol off of an ice luge. Sometimes it's just
me publicly shaming some guy for wearing a dragon shirt even though
he's 38. Occasionally I'll spend a Friday night making sweet,
passionate love to your sister--by tying her to a hitachi and
telling her she's worthless, the way she likes. But look at me
talking like you don't know your own sister.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I would snort a line of my father's ashes like it were cocaine for
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Can you not read? You shouldn't. This is how I am all the time
Who are you looking for?
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