You know what? Let's jam. Let's really take some time and break
this shit down.
They don't even have to be friends or anything. I mean, friends,
awesome. We can chill, laugh, have a good time together. But! Have
you ever been in a situation where the mood struck you just to be a
prick to someone you really didn't like? That's the magic of
strangers. Normally there are "consequences" to your actions, but
when you're five states away from home with your next flight
leaving in 10 minutes, telling a five-year-old that Santa has an
urgent message for him in the men's room at gate B47 is a hoot.
Strangers folks, they're just people who don't know how awesome I
What the Hell else am I going to eat? I mean, pets are cool and
all; I have a cat that wears ties wherever he goes (No one steals a
cat important enough to wear a tie, that's bad ju-ju) But the real
issue here is I don't want to live in a world economy where only
crazy vegans live. A world without your chihuahua? Boo-hoo. A world
without Dollar Menu Double Cheeseburgers? I can't afford to live
Now let's widen the scope a bit. Every fast food chain goes of out
business. Grocery stores lose half their business. Every business
related to fishing becomes useless. Yeah, suddenly Your cell-phone
doesn't seem so essential on this list anymore. Go ahead, back out
and edit your profile and copy this word for word. We're just
getting the news out. Animals: They're important shit.
3. Standardized units of currency.
Have you seen what happens in post-apocalyptic Earth? Shit gets
crazy. Like... what are you going to trade for toilet paper?
Suddenly Abe Lincolns face isn't worth what it used to be, and the
only assets you had were worn out paying back that wandering pack
of former NFL players for the warmth their large black bodies
provided during the constant Nuclear winter. The Fed is a good
thing. Don't know what the Fed is? Me either. Don't tell anyone,
though, I'm going for cocky/pretentious here.
4. The Japanese.
What happens when you take the right to a standing military away
from a isolationist gov't with strong ties to traditionalism and a
weak Christian presence? Japan circa 2011, and boy is it a thing of
beauty. I'm not much for the used-underwear vending machines and
tentacle rape, but Japan is like the awesome autistic kid in the
Sandbox we call Earth. No one knows what the Hell is going on in
that head of their's, but the results have all the magnetism of a
dude getting nailed in the crotch.
5. A central nervous system.
Think about all the times you cut yourself, burned yourself, broke
a limb, etc. Now imagine that it didn't hurt. Would you have
stopped what you were doing? Probably not. That's the magic of the
central nervous system. I think. I'm working off of like 6th grade
health notes here, folks. But for realz, whatever part of me tells
me I'm in pain, I need that. And I condemn the rest of you for
placing "friends" higher on the list.
I'm like... super bad at anything past arithmetic. That's the great
thing about numbers, though. THEY DON'T NEED YOU! Numbers are like
Beyonce. They're fierce, independent, they make their own money,
and ain't no one but their daddy gonna tell them what to do. Think
about it, math self-checks. If you do something incorrect with
numbers, the numbers tell you! If I say 4+4 = 5, all of
civilization falls apart if I'm correct. But because numbers are so
bad-ass, they don't need me to be right, I'm just wrong. Unlike
some things.. LETTERS. Look at language? That shit gets screwed up
all the time. We don't even know where the phrase "O.K." comes
from. But we just keep on truckin' like everything's cool. If I was
numbers, I'd kick letters' ass. True Story.