That I don't feel my profile really quite clarifies.

 

I'm a very sarcastic person.  Sarcasm is my second language, but as with many things, it generally doesn't convey well in typed conversation and messages.  I'm cool with that, but people shouldn't be surprised when I bust out the wit.

I dislike the stigma of geekiness and nerdiness that one often sees when browsing these profiles.  I am probably a nerd of the nth degree, but it doesn't mean I let it define me, nor do I let my hobbies run out of control.  I may like videogames, computers, anime/manga, or other traditionally geeky pastimes, but it is not how I define myself.   I have other hobbies and and things which I really enjoy.  I work out, I hike, I read books, I go see movies, I go to the bar.  I brew my own liqueur, and have been trying my hand at making my own infused vodkas.   I cook (fairly well), and have a flair for mediterranean food.  I live my life fairly well in moderation, and enjoy my many hobbies.  If you can't deal with my geeky side, get the hell away then.  Sorry I ain't yer mister perfect.

Oh, and for the love of god, what is with this website and the excessive amount of myspace photos.  Yeah, they are easy self-photos, but you are telling me you don't have any photos of yourself that someone else took?  Not to sound like a pig, but post a full body shot at least once, ja?  I ain't exactly in prime physical shape (sorry, I ain't got them cut 6 pack abs), but I still post pictures of me outside of the dumb myspace style photos. 

And, stealing on something I read from another OKC profile, which I thought was perfectly fine, was the mention that people have to learn to accept that others will have their own standards of physical beauty.  As she put it, there has to be a carnal or animal attraction in addition to a mental attraction.  And I agree.   And, on that vein, I'll throw this out there.  I'm 5'9", and run roughly 240lbs.   Makes me fairly big, at least by height to weight ratio, except that I am in, as far as I am concerned, the best physical health of my life.  I gained roughly 30lbs in my time in college, cutting a lot of fat, and putting on a good amount of muscle.  At this point, the only place I really feel I am lacking is in my stomach, where I am still a bit flabby yet.  I'm no body builder, but I value my health.  So I been doing situps and running a lot, to try to keep myself going.  Oh, I'm built like a football player, short and stocky, if you were having trouble imaging the height and weight thing.

Point therin being that I also have my own physical attractions, and if I browse a profile and pass it by, chances are I had my reason, and it may damn well have been how you look, or how it seems like you take care of yourself.   I'm entitled to my opinion, just like everyone else.  And if I get passed by for that same reason, thems the breaks.

I'm not nearly an ass all the time, and I'm okay with the fact that I have quirks.  I'm also accepting of the fact that everyone else has their quirks too.  I love that variety, and I think it is cool.   Also, a weird thing, seeing as many of the people I have messaged, tend to be closer to the "enemy" side of things, rather than the higher match considerations.  I like meeting new, interesting people.   It is a hobby of mine.

So, my inaugural journal post on this website, and I'm gonna make it sound something emo. I feel bad for even saying it *insert rimshot here*

Anyway, late Monday night (most would call it Tuesday morning), I caught a bulletin on myspace, posted by a friend, which ever so kindly informed the world that my ex had had emergency surgery the night before. Now, we have been broken up for 6 odd months now, and I had stopped talking to her all together for the last couple.. Mind you, we had been together for over 5 years.

Anyway, upon reading this, I right and full well panicked. I finally got myself into bed, and (somewhere around 5am, told you I was a night person) managed to sleep a bit. Around 730, I get a call from her mom informing me what had happened.. we talked for only a minute, but it calmed me down a bit.. Apparently she had asked her mom to call me and let me know. This confused me. I sent flowers to her in the hospital, and went about my day.. I called back her mom that afternoon and left a message, then got a call back giving me more details that evening, and I even got to talk to my ex for a few seconds... that really helped to calm me down.

Next day, made the decision to drive home (350+ miles from where I live). Packed everything up, got people to cover my work hours for the next couple days, and told professors I am going out of town on an emergency.

At this point, why? I think it was the question on everyone's mind, my own included. Not really my place to be there for her anymore, but something just felt inherently wrong. This is a kinda feeling I haven't had in a long time, when something just felt wrong. And it felt wrong not being there with her. My sister made it somewhat clearer to me, in saying that when a person is a part of your life for as long as we were together, they are just a part of you, in a very deep way. And to some extent, I can agree with that. I made it in last night, after visiting hours had ended at the hospital, so I came home (my parents).

Found out this morning that she was released, and got a hold of her then, and went and visited early this afternoon. I stayed until she fell asleep, then left to get some dinner. I went back in the evening, upon her invitation, but it only seemed like I made her upset. I don't know if this was me, or the simple fact that she is recovering from major surgery, is stuck at home with her mom (whom she despises at the best of times), or the fact that I probably, honestly, over stepped my bounds today. It could be any of those, or a combination of them, but it still just makes me uneasy.

In my mind, I did what I felt was right, to come see her and be with her as she recovers. But was it the right thing to do?
I don't entertain any allusions of us getting back together... I don't think she wants that, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I do either. That's not why I came. It was to be with her and support her if I could, and after this evening, I just feel useless, or out of place with her.

Joy.