Yes, I’m addressing you. No, not the weird kid from Duluth who’s hacking into the Dunkin’ Donuts central mainframe to research whether there is a correlation between the amounts of caffeine in coffee purchased after 2am, and incidents of assault by ex-clowns who were fired from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus after a particularly dismal audience reaction during a Wednesday matinee. Everybody already knows the answer to that one, we can ignore him.
But, getting back to you, I wanted to thank you for perusing my profile. So, what do you want to know? I guess this is the box where I open a little window of insight into myself. Let’s see, I’d say my current theme is newness. It’s a new year. I’m starting a new job, which pays more and is intellectually engaging. I’m reaping the new benefits of focusing on my health last year, by experiencing the best physical shape I've ever been in. Of course losing a hundred pounds didn't hurt. It never occurred to me that I could do a 5K, and now I've done a couple.
Of course some things have stayed the same. I’m still a quirky dude with a passion for theater and film, and fondness for words. I've been around for a few years and in that time I've amassed a certain amount of wisdom. For instance I've learned to never attempt jokes with the vanillas at work.
I remember one time when I was with a group of coworkers, standing around in a circle, exchanging various jokes and amusing stories, and I thought I’d share one that I enjoyed. And so I began, “There was this guy riding a mule, like you do. Unfortunately he was from the proud state Nebraska and was not at all familiar with the ins and outs of traversing the rocky terrain of the Appalachia’s. So, he promptly exited the vehicle by means of unceremoniously falling and beaning his head off of a hard, unyielding, object. This did not bode well for the rest of the day. He stood up, brushed himself off and picked up that weirdly shaped, metal device that had cushioned his fall. Stamped in 37 point Times New Roman font on either side were the words Aladdin’s Lamp. I've seen that movie, he screamed. The monkey was adorable. He started rubbing it for all he was worth. The lamp, not … well, you know. And a genie appeared. I grant thee three wishes, Wish Number 1? The guy was flabbergasted. OK, how about one million dollars in gold. Granted. The guy looked around and as far as the eye could see was dirt and the odd rock. What the …? Wish number two? OK, OK, I want to be the most handsome man on the face of the Earth. Granted. The guy slapped his hands to his face and he still felt a zit here and a pock mark there. Hey, wait a minute…! Wish number three. OK, OK, and the guy looked over at his mule.”
Now at this point, when I've shared this joke in the past, I usually say the guy wanted to be as well hung as his mule. But, this was people I didn't know that well, so instead I said, “I want to be as well-endowed as my mule.” So the lady standing to my left piped in, “What does that mean?” The helpful lady to her immediate left offered “It means he wants to be as intelligent as his mule.” I responded “No, it means he wants to be as well hung.” At which point I made hand gestures in my crotchal area. They all laughed hilariously and walked away saying things like “That’s a good one Joe.”
I have vowed to never utter a joke at work again.