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MalsBrownCoat

37 M Phoenix, AZ

My Details

Last Online
Online now!
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Athletic
Diet
Mostly anything
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Never
Religion
Agnosticism, but not too serious about it
Sign
Cancer, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from university
Job
Technology
Income
$100,000–$150,000
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
Pets
Likes dogs and has cats
Speaks
English (Fluently)

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My self-summary
So you did the "pretty boy/situation" thing, and found that you spent more time vying for the bathroom mirror than having intelligent conversations that didn't revolve around how his bedazzled dragon shirt looked. Then you did the "tattooed badboy" bit with the tapout ensemble, along with the "art" on his neck and hands and discovered that the Circle K night shift that he worked didn't match your schedule very well. The backwards ballcap and plaid shorts wearing "bro" wanted to spend quality time crashing college parties and standing around the keg, despite the fact that he left school to "pursue other opportunities" years ago.

...So how's all that been working out for you?

Let me start off a little different and tell you what I'm not, as most of the profiles here are lost in the sea of generic douchebaggery. Aside from not being any of the above, I'm not your "yo homie yo, hit me up/holla" type. Nor am I the giant striped tank top wearing "hipster" with the capris, scruffy beard and no job persona (...I'm at a loss as to how to make further fun of something that I truly can't comprehend). I'm also not that spray tanned/Mangerine jock who stands around in the bathroom mirror taking pictures of himself without a shirt on (Congrats on the abs "bro", sorry about the small penis). I don't have "FML" tattooed on my forehead and I'm not the $30,000 Scottsdale-ionaire with a popped collar, a thick white belt and an attitude.

You won't find that typical club hopper/bar star here who needs to go out every night of the week. But just because I'm not really into the bar/club scene doesn't mean that I don't enjoy having a great night on the town; be it jeans & tshirt casual or going all out in our finest threads. I'm also perfectly comfortable with a movie night on the couch; sharing a laugh at a great comedy, being drawn in to some intense forensic drama and even jumping out of my seat when something scares the bejebus out of me. It's ok, you can laugh. I'm not ashamed.

I'm well aware that those with short attention spans are long gone, but for those interested enough to read more about someone who is 2 parts Wit, 1 part Sarcasm and a shot of Snark, shall we move on?

A brief summary of my general interests would include Snowboarding, Surfing, Camping, Sportbikes (I have an R1), Electronic Music (Progressive House, DnB, DJ'ing), Snorkeling, Sharks & other Sea Life (especially combined with snorkeling), Gadgets/Techy Things, Guitars, Cooking, Being a Smart Ass, Fidgeting, Handguns and Long-range precision shooting.

I often take trips to San Diego, Burbank, San Francisco and NYC. Sometimes for work, sometimes for fun. To say that I travel a lot would be an understatement, so travel should also big on your list.

As for what I look for in another person? How realistic do you want me to get? Ok, here's a shot. You = intelligent, sincere, have a wickedly sarcastic sense of humor, a quick tongue (for wit, gutter mind), an iq that relays better interests than things like Nascar or "reality tv" (which really is an oxymoron in itself). You have a fondness for movies/film, comfy nights in, painting the town red, motorcycles, cats, swanky martinis, fine wines, culinary exploration, travel, snowboarding and even playing games. Also looking for a great dance partner/instructor; some of my favorites are Tango, Foxtrot, Rumba, Waltz, Cha Cha and East Coast Swing.

Bottom line, I'm not too picky about who I spend my time with, right?

/sarcasm

Oh, and as appealing as it sounds, I have very little interest that your screen name is HotChickWithBigBoobs69, or that your profile pic shows "you" in some half naked suggestive pose and strangely enough, your inbox is overflowing with misspelled drivel from thugs, Homie-G-Poptarts and other nondescript asshattery. None of this changes the very likely statistic that you're actually an overweight, middle aged guy with a balding mullet still living in mom's basement with nothing better to do than troll the internet. Thanks, but not quite what I'm looking for. Get over it. And clean up your room.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm at a point in my life where I'm able to recognize past mistakes, to learn from them and I'm enjoying the better person that I've become. So I'm looking for someone who shares a similar outlook. Someone who can recognize that they're not perfect and neither is anyone else. But also someone who appreciates others for who they are. Aside from being gainfully employed with a prominent digital media company, I'm making it a point to experience new things, to be more spontaneous and to not take life for granted. I'm also filling out what has probably been the longest profile that you've ever seen. Your reading skill has increased by +1.
I’m really good at
being atypical? I've been told that it's not often that you find a guy who really enjoys cooking; and I don't mean top ramen and instant potatoes. Or a guy who cleans up after himself and likes things neat and tidy. Apparently most guys are lazy slobs who think that the world owes them something. I'm good at not being that guy. I'm the kind of guy who will go out of his way to subtly touch you as we pass each other in the kitchen; who will put his arms around your waist as you reach up to put something away; the guy who stops to kiss the back of your neck as he walks by.
The first things people usually notice about me
Apparently it's that I'm "much better looking in person".

And I've been told that my green eyes are quite the noticeable attribute. My sense of humor is pretty apparent as well, since it tends to run rampant at times.

Also overheard is that I look nowhere near my stated age. I'm convinced that my birth certificate has a typo. Or it's a forgery...
0_o
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: I'm a bit of a bibliophile, especially since I travel a lot and some of my favorites will influence my next reading initiative; such as The Laws of Spirit, The Celestine Prophecy, Still Life with Woodpecker, The Count of Monte Cristo, Dante's Inferno, Cyberia, Anne Rice's "Sleeping Beauty" Series, the Halo Series, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Movies: Kiss of Death, Labyrinth, the Usual Suspects, GoodFellas, Devil's Advocate, Fallen, the Matrix series, LOTR, the Princess Bride (yeah, I'll admit it), most WWII films, 16 Candles (it's all about the Donger), Under the Tuscan Sun, the Power of One, Sleepers, Jaws, Lucky Number Slevin, Secretary, Kung Fu Hustle. My TiVo is usually full of content from the informative/learning channels or scifi geekery like Farscape, Firefly (bonus points if you caught the username), Battlestar Galactica/Caprica, Ghost Hunters, Warehouse 13, Sanctuary, Stargate Universe, Dexter, Family Guy, American Dad, the Cleveland Show, Bob's Burgers, Robot Chicken, Band of Brothers, the Sopranos, Game of Thrones, Spartacus (Blood & Sand), the Clone Wars, Wilfred, Archer, the Walking Dead and Breaking Bad.

Music: When it comes to music, I've been a Progressive House dj for over 12 years now. I also enjoy DnB and the occasional Ambient mix. But for more socially accepted genres, I suppose I'll admit to a few of my guilty pleasures being classic hair metal, old school rap, 80s retro, classic swing and old time Rat-Pack era music. Eclectic much?

Food: I particularly enjoy authentic Italian and Mexican cuisine, as well as sushi and other Asian dishes. I'm a big fan of teasing my palate with new and exciting foods; the spicier, the better!
The six things I could never do without
A fan next to my bed (LOVE the cold side of the pillow).
A laptop (alright, I could do without it, but it sure makes things convenient).
A good vodka martini (and sorry, Grey Goose is not good vodka).
Opposable thumbs (ever tried to do Little Bunny Foo Foo without using your thumb?!?) (uhh huhh...SEE!).
My sense of humor ( ).
I plead the 6th (...?).
I spend a lot of time thinking about
the incredibly odd series of twisting events that have shaped my life. Seriously, you couldn't make some of this stuff up. I also find myself perplexed about what could possibly be going on in my cat's head to explain the utterly bizarre things that he does.

Further thoughts leave me quite confused about why OK Cupid notifies me that I have "great matches" who turn out to be <25 years old. Great. Now I'm "that creeper".
On a typical Friday night I am
attempting to go Trick or Treating. It's not always successful, and I get the occasional confused reaction, along with the obligatory vulgar comments from those who actually answer the door. But when I've had my fun, I might either head out to some other more socially acceptable form of entertainment with friends, or perhaps simply cozy up with a warm blanket and a good movie; hopefully with the rewards from my earlier venture.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I've answered the door naked before. That'll teach those Jehova's Witnesses. But getting the pizza delivery guy to ever come back has proven difficult.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 26–41
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
you have tourettes, a drinking problem and irritable bowel syndrome. Especially if you're experiencing all three at once. I never said I'd reply, but I'm sure it would add comedic value to an otherwise average day.

I suppose you could message me if you find any of the above mentioned profile details appealing/humorous/or slightly offensive. I may even write back. Stranger things have happened...

If you're able to include your favorite Izzard'ism in your response, and if you have a flag, well then, a reply is almost certainly guaranteed.

(...are you STILL reading this?)