"Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It's difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop—they're generally on top of things."
Which is all very flattering and I think describes me to a T, but my biology professor assures me it's nonsense, and insists that I'm actually the product of several hundreds of thousands of years of evolution (just counting the hominids of course); a complex amalgam of all those who had sex and bore children before me.
Which would all be well and good if I was in the same family as the majestic horse, fierce lion, or noble eagle, but I'm closer to an orangutan, which is less flattering.
I will admit we both have a truly striking red/orange hue, and the proud orangutan is quite smart, strong, mates with one partner for life, and is completely vegan, which is difficult to do and admirable. I will let you know that I have all but one one of those listed traits in common with my primate cousin, but I'm not saying which one.
Anyway, evolution has seen fit to equip me with a love of wine and whiskey, a fondness for cheeses that smell vaguely of nuts and feet, a sense of humor as dry as burnt toast, a baritone voice which expresses only that single tone, and a face which has way too much expression as a counterpoint to my aforementioned voice.