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34 / M / Straight / Single
Saratoga Springs, New York
His journal posts
Jul 28, 2009
Thanks for reading :) i appreciate it. It was originally written in response to a friend who just moved to the US from a developing nation, who was frustrated with non-availability of transportation services as the "minority who could not afford a car," I explained a little more and threw in some of my own theory and personal thoughts, and a ton of realistic cynicism.
I understand what you are saying about the the have's and the
have nots. its a major problem here. the economic disparity creates
not only an isolation but a form of slavery. Land of opportunity
for those who have. Its the big joke. But all the people who have
the opportunity dont bother to look at it. why would they? it would
just depress them, and they usually only look long enough to thank
their morally arbitrary luck that they are different. never would
they delve into that life and find that its where culture is
prevalent. When one doesnt have things or money or opportunity,
connections between people become important. When one has the
others, people are not. Culture does not breed with the rich, but
only those who have nothing else and rely on it to find something
beautiful in this world.
There are many things like this here. many egocentrisms, many feigned things that are in word only, many things that are only for some.
There are not many in this world who are stewards of it, many who partner for economic empowerment, but few who partner for renewal of beauty. In any sense of the word partnership.
I never take these thoughts that you have now for granted. I see them from your eyes. Actually, I will tell you a little secret. I used to walk around boston, and just look at things for the first time. It was a wonderful bit of perspective. I kept my eyes open to this but in a different way. I dont do it now for the purpose of being able to explain it to you, I do it just so that I can remind myself that I see it. That I keep myself awake and not closed to something.
But, most Americans would find this kind of perspective laughable, pointless, as they are "better than it," and its not better. That's the unfortunate part. We've closed our eyes to something quite impressive and wonder why it is that we can't ever fill our gaze with wonder - keep searching and instead of using quality of content for this - we fill it with MORE and BIGGER and FASTER. Fill it with things because people definitely aren't worth bettering, only things will make a human whole....pathetic.
Funny thing is, Ive known all this forever. I think I recently became aware that I am too smart and too aware. Because, its just making me see the nature of things and making me sad and yet if I turn from it, I'm one of them. So, I have to figure out how to look at it and be one with it, but also retain enough separation that I can maintain enough connection to the "have's" and use my energy to change it so the have not's can be the have's - and lets hope their perspective makes it possible for something beautiful to happen. Little hope of it, but, that's very much why I wrote the article I did for the Economist. Close the disparity of wealth distribution and find a way for it be a choice made by those with the wealth. That they might freely and seeing the consequences of their actions choose to do so, for the betterment of their personal self-worth, and their brothers (other humans).
To accomplish this, I used partly a freudian model: The nature of civilization and the relevant specific aspect, the cultural construct’s influence upon us, is to take our human energy and give it a constructive context. Most internal desires have threads to cultural constructs, their once external pre-appropriated source, so the external influence does not devalue, but rather just is an influence. So a reappropriation of influences was necessary. But I also disagree with Freud in a sense since, viewing civilization as an 'expanding' phenomenon that never stabilizes - which seems to be the norm in human history, means it cant be controlled.
But finally I just looked to non-Western thinkers, such as
Krishna Murti. Murti who would argue that what we need is new
brains. So, my first stage of the socio-economic plan was to give
people new brains. Retraining them as a parent would a child who
does not know how to live.
Show them the connectedness we all have to eachother that extends beyond desire and tie self-worth and desire together with perception of injustice and righting them.
I used a different definition of justice, kinda a paredo optimization where the most good that Can be done is when it brings about NO bad because of it. living in communes, decentralized governmental roles, collective participation and individual recognition through opportunity to give and aid others.
Just my view that had to be put forth or I'd kill myself for knowing it and not saying anything.
Drives me crazy to have this sight for beauty and not have anyone who sees it like me, not a peer, not a lover, just a bunch of selfish closed people chasing after money and sex and something to dull their minds to the point where they are complacent and accept laziness of perspective and thought. Gotta love TV - why think when you can have other's think for you, and if you aren't thinking for yourself, why don't I tell you why you need to have this product - it will make you happy. Why don't I tell you why you need this kind of life, its better. Why don't we crush all small entrepreneurial ventures and assimilate them like the virus that we are. Why not just take what we need and let the earth catch its breath, instead of lusting for more. I miss the times when I thought romanticism and love were what made the world go round. I've tried to preserve it, if only through my personal efforts, but look at me...all the opportunity that America has at my fingertips, and the only thing I want is not American at all. So, i've given up seriousness and will go play with my heathen friends who made the tradeoff a long time ago. I was there once, and it made me dull and happy. You met me while I rejected it, and now I return to it...bahhhhhh says the sheep. Lost in translation to the tower of babil. I just hope I grow up to be a lonely old man. Out of spite. With many cats, and friends who think its such a shame that I never found anyone... lol. The american delusion. Perhaps I should have just stayed with my birth mother to die at the age of 1 year. Perhaps the world does not deserve me. Perhaps I'm just ugly, short, small dicked, poor, angry, mean, extremely shallow, undependable, physically and emotionally weak, and my brain and mind...laughable. Perhaps I am the best because I am these things, and still feel I have something to offer. And if I'm this deceased, and most are better at this whole living thing, then perhaps there is hope. We will see.
Kiss for you opening up my mind. I allow you.
Jun 19, 2009
On a recent date, someone said there is a difference between sexuality and intimacy. I can tentatively grant this, because they also said they didn't like intimacy, and while I can respect their view, I wish to highlight an example of how I feel since I differ in my likes. I feel that intimacy is important as a means to build a worthwhile connection. Bear with my oversharing, and while it evinces one aspect to me, its just a classic example in my mind, not the unique expressions I tailor to individuals. But its an expression 100% owned and created by me. So here's my thought:
On Intimacy – giving you a candle lit massage in a cool room. Being able to have you lying naked on your chest before me, allowing me to caress and soothe your skin, you feeling comfortable that I am marveling over the curves and accents of your body. Breathing cool air to tense, perhaps after a swift lick against your back, to heighten your awareness to my presence. That I am REALLY THERE. That you are vulnerable, and that I am here to take care of you. And to prove my devotion to your pleasure I breathe a heavy and long sigh of warming relief. In pressing my palms and deft fingers below the surface of your skin I awaken tensed muscles from their restricted sleep. My lips hovering over your back, grazing against the outstretched hairs that cry out for attention, softly kissing each imperfection and evenness, letting you know how beautiful I find you, that these “flaws” are just human, but that you are anything but flawed. And instead of being nervous that I might see them or find them distasteful, I would glare at them straightly, perceive them and adore them for they make each bit of you more beautiful than if they were not there. Know that I am searching for them among the patches of perfection, that I may disprove their difference. Because it’s me that you allow to see them, that you can trust me to care and be good to you, that each is just another opportunity for me to show you that what really matters to me is the connection of us. And so I would lavishly praise your body without a word but with my lips and fingers, each caress and kiss shouting my approval, my attraction, my appreciation, my adoration of the gift that is both you and your willingness to share your body with me.
There is no more profound of a proving ground, where rather than telling you, showing you is made manifest, where words must fade into action, and hope becomes belief. This is why I could never do without intimacy.
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