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MarioSpeedwagon

31 M Paramus, NJ

My Details

Last Online
Today – 12:48pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 11″ (1.80m)
Body Type
Skinny
Diet
Mostly anything
Smokes
No
Drinks
Rarely
Drugs
Religion
Atheism
Sign
Leo, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from high school
Job
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids
Pets
Has dogs
Speaks
English

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
(I'm not satisfied with my profile as it is, and plan to make minor/major changes to it; I'm also in the process of reexamining my questions and tests, so those may not stay the way they are now; this is most likely nobody's business, because who would care, and if so, it's probably bothering them to the point of outrage anyhow.)

Alright, I suppose this is the part where I'm expected to boast about myself and inflate my 'fragile ego', using exaggerations and such. Or maybe it's where I self-deprecate and make myself intentionally miserable for the sake of others reading this who have 'fragile egos' that need to be shielded. Or perhaps an even dosage of both; who can say for sure? (Honestly, I have no clue who my audience is, if I even have one to begin with, so I don't know what style to write this in as a filter. That is, if I'm even allowed to filter in the first place, because that's discriminatory, right? I mean, I don't know if I even deserve to pick & choose. I should just take what I get & be happy, right?)

I can't accurately determine your initial impression of me upon viewing this profile. All I can say for sure is that I don't normally take sides until I understand what the truth of the matter is (if there is any), tastes notwithstanding, and may lack a consistent position to speak of; I can't bring myself to have one when the rest of the world seems inconsistent. (I see at least a little bit of truth in what everybody says.) I'm basically a chameleon with a delayed transformation (not a very effective lizard, I suppose), which may put me at odds with different people in different scenarios. I suppose it may stem from the fact that I have Aspergers syndrome (clinically diagnosed in '01, though I suspect I'm only half Aspie; oops, did I just reveal that? uh oh, there goes most of my visitors; to be fair, half a decade ago, a doctor told me he couln't even tell I had AS after my dad told him after asking if I had any disabilities, so he was either thinking in stereotypes or I was misdiagnosed, which wouldn't be the first time, since they though I had ADD back in preschool. This all means it's best for me to avoid destabilization-based regression at all costs.). A common problem with me is that at any given moment, whatever I'm saying or doing (or not), or whatever position I take on any given issue (or lack thereof), somebody may have a problem with, and some of them directly effect my decisions. Even if I may regret what I'm thinking about saying or doing, if I'm already in the process of saying or doing it, it may be too late for me to stop myself, so it's a gamble (as with most socially-related things). In fact, a lot of what I say & do, I feel is always wrong, stupid or something else I forgot. I'm often either too brash or too "slick", no matter what I decide, and if you don't think so, you're probably either lying or otherwise dismissed according those who "know better", because, hey, they claim expertise, so therefore it must be official, because otherwise, I'm being too "skeptical" for my own good, and that's a right reserved for the "experts", unless they're "duping" me, in which case I have committed treason for being too "gullible", even if the alternative would have supposedly dire consequences.

...or maybe I'm simply "making up the problem". So there, you critics get to feel superior to me without having to lift a finger or anything, and perhaps that's what makes you so for real.

Usually, it seems like my existence is either inappropriate or not worth noticing. I'm probably alienating, losing favor with, or burning bridges with some users who had the misfortune of reading this as I speak. I must admit that I'm currently in a state of terrified misery/miserable terror (at least frequently) and am constantly shackled down by shame, guilt and regret, whether it's necessary or not. I also don't plan ahead very well all the time. TL;DR: I'm doomed and it's all my fault, and I'll never live down my past if I'm constantly reminded of it (at least that's the impression I'm getting). Whatever's in my future doesn't sound reassuring.

After reading this, I'm none too thrilled to live here, but maybe I deserve it or I'm being ungrateful or this is biased:
http://www.squidoo.com/worst-state-ever

"Life is an obstacle-filled maze; when faced with an obstacle, you can A) attempt to destroy it, B) maneuver/climb over/work around it somehow, C) turn around, trace your steps back to the last split in the road, and take another path, D) find and/or use something that will allow you to either do A or B, or E) find that you're trapped, and possibly destroy yourself."

Oh, and I'm starting to see the wisdom of desire satisfactionism, and am willing to implement it in my daily life.

Here's some useless garbage; I have my own sketch blog, separate from this site (I created the images years ago; terrible, aren't they?):
http://komplexkommonz.blogspot.com/
as well as my "life story", which is a WIP (not for the squeamish or easily offended; may contain profanity and bold ideas; since I haven't refurbished it yet, you may have a negative impression because of it's tone):
http://exhaustingexistence.blogspot.com/

One last thing: I wouldn't be here if it weren't for idexa; do your thing, whatever that may be. All that time I wasted trying to emulate you (because I had limited options and felt pressured) only to be smudged off on the corner here has made me regress (or was that prior?). I would've never made such alienating observations listed here if it weren't for you, although, to be fair, they were already around to begin with. Thank you for opening my eyes and making me lose potential companions, as well as at-least-emulated social prowess in the process.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Looking things up online (including YouTube videos), being constantly on the computer (mostly my iPhone these days; apologies in advance to PC loyalists... "APOLOGIES NOT ACCEPTED!!! YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER JUST FOR ASSOCIATING WITH MAC USERS!!!"), occasionally conversing with my online pals and fellow Aspies fourthditch (profile deactivated for the time being) & stiquegurl592 through gmail (I've met the female online long before I joined this site; is that so unforgivable? "YES IT IS, YOU MONSTER!!!"), staying up late some nights, perusing television shows (and programming some through DVR) a day in advance, spending a shitload of time in my own head, being bugged by my parents* to do chores, take out the dogs, eat dinner with them, and go to bed when I'm busy on the computer (and even when I'm not), entertaining or being entertained by my second oldest brother, whenever he's around, losing concentration and privacy when my oldest brother and his sometimes nosey, meddling wife (both unemployed, which is wonderful) frequently visit with their loud, dimwitted dog and occasionally the fiancee's loud, hyperactive, obnoxious, easily-frightened daughter, struggling to keep my precious time & privacy (the computer I normally use is in my father's cluttered office, right next to the living room where the television is, and my father uses his laptop nearby in this room for anything from sermons and bulletins to playing solitaire, sometimes my mother occasionally shares it with him; this computer is often shared by my mother and my oldest brother)

I had started to get into the habit of walking through the local park at least once a week this summer; I've walked roughly 7 miles in total last time I did. Now I'm going to the local public pool frequently, so hooray for mediocre accomplishments!

*I must note that I still live at home with my parents (and one of my brothers), who are practicing Protestant Christians (in fact, my father is the church pastor). I used to be one myself, although, as my blog explains, I 'lost my faith' in spring of 2011. (Basically, you could say circumstance blackmailed me out of religion!) I haven't told anyone outside the internet that I use this site. I used to work at a grocery store for years, but was suspended for doing something I had said I couldn't do there a few days prior. (How does that happen? Temporary lapse of judgement, I suppose; if I have too many of those, I'm more doomed than before.) I also have never learned to drive a vehicle, relying on rides from family members or public transportation. I do, however, walk to and fro around from location to location occasionally, and I'm still made to go to church on Sunday mornings, because my family pressures me into attending service, and I'm usually the one to fetch bagels for many of the attendees before they leave, making me something of a "servant-boy" for the church. (In fact, my mom still pushes hard for me to come at night, which is an incredibly awkward situation for me. I don't know how to react to the passive-aggressive proselytizing.) "ZOMG DEALBREAKERZ!!!"
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Doodling/drawing (depending on your perspective), making music through GarageBand or using a keyboard/piano, making absurd jokes (I've inherited part of my humor through my father), wasting my time reading about science (paleontology and astronomy are my all-time favorites, as well as biology), doing impressions and voices, etc. (damn right I said 'et cetera'; so sue me!)
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
That I look young for my age (in fact, my oldest brother says I look like a 15-16 year old!)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
(This section needs a serious cleanup.)

Some of my favorite films include:
Jurassic Park, The Big Lebowski (hell, Coen bros. films in general), Office Space, Cable Guy (I don't care what anybody says), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (as well as most Will Ferrell classics, thanks to my brother)

Food and drink:
sushi, italian dishes (such as pasta; however I don't enjoy regular spaghetti noodles much), stir fry, fish in different incarnations, shrimp, calamari (fried or not), Cup O' Noodles soup, PB&J sandwiches (prefer strawberry and creamy, especially honey-roasted, respectively), Yoplait yogurt, gourmet crackers, Iceberg lettuce (especially the yellow inner portion), snow peas, red cabbage, bean sprouts, various fruits (fresh or dried), brussel sprouts (especially with Balsamic vinegar), cooked spinach (also with vinegar), corn flakes (as a snack), Jarlesberg cheese, almost anything pickled (excluding bread & butter or relish), homemade burgers (great with BBQ sauce), various incarnations of chicken, bbq ribs (BBQ sauce does wonders), honey-glazed ham/pork, salami, fries, Sloppy Joe's, mexican dishes (such as nachos, tacos, quesadillas) andempanadas), chinese takeout, Switch carbonated juice, cider (sparkling or not), root beer, egg nog, some of the less bitter alcoholic beverages (I'll pass on the vodka, Jack Daniel's, Jose Quervos or Schnapps, though plain beer is alright for mild intoxication, albeit a bit bland)

I don't enjoy ketchup, asparagus, beets, most plain mushrooms, olives, so-called Red "Delicious" apples, Spaghetti-O's, flan, Biscotti's, Tiramisu, almonds, candy corn, wax candy of any kind, liquorice, tofu, cottage cheese, Ricotta cheese, dark chocolate, coffee, most health-specialized 'whole-grain'/'high fiber' foods, Wintergreen chewing gum (gives me a migraine), or anything with Aspartame/Splenda/Sucralose.

I have a DVR to program TV shows, so I can watch them in a more convenient timeframe. Shows I enjoy (I'm not including shows my family enjoys more than me) are: The Ricky Gervais Show (HBO), An Idiot Abroad (Science Channel), and Dexter (Showtime). There are others, but their names escape me for the moment.

As for books, I can't remember most of the books I've read (I have yet to get into Flowers for Algernon, which I often hear conversations leading to discussions about it), although I do read on the internet for information and education. Music preference is wide (I happen to still listen to an underground hip-hop radio show on Wednesday nights casually), and only excludes anything annoying played ad nauseam on commercial radio stations (not because I'm some sort of music snob, but because I will immediately get a migraine; however, if you must, I will force myself to tolerate it). That and most country music (same as above parenthesis). I hardly ever play video games by myself anymore (I don't know about any of you, but I don't feel privileged to do so while unemployed living at home), and while I enjoy computer games, I rarely play anymore. (One of my favorite games in the past was Shadow Man for the N64, a voodoo-themed horror adventure, which I played and completed dozens of times, being heavily addicted.)
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
("never" is a strong word) "Dr. Miller's Holy Tea" (digestive aide), my satchel that holds different personal belongings, bouts of quiet solitary concentration, regulated doses of constructive criticism, mild intoxication (for me, consciousness can be a real burden sometimes; too bad I'm unable to obtain any since I lost my job, plus my mom exists), my left hand ("ZOMG HOW ROOD!!!")

Also, here's some things I would rather do without: agendas, double standards, being controlled, [things I say] being misinterpreted, nosiness, thought policing, being cornered, no-win scenarios (zero-sum games), being set up to fail, grudges against me, double binds, oversimplification, over-complication, misinformation, pressure and deadlines

...but hey, it's not like I can avoid any of those things anyways, right?

Anyways, if you want to know what I could never die without, it would have to be a plastic bag & sleeping pills.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
(This is what I spend most of my time doing, unfortunately. Who cares about all of this, right?)

Information, sensation & control. Everything else is a man-made concept designated solely to human society as far as can be known.

"It's SUPPOSED to be a 'guessing game', so that they know whether to discard/harass you for being weak or vulnerable."

"They want you to try to reveal your weakness. They want to see you fail so they can be inwardly satisfied that it's not happening to them."

How many great ideas never escaped the minds of those who conjured them up, and how such ideas are never acknowledged until somebody else sees, hears or reads them. All that seems to matter to the observer are impressions that are given or perceived.

The wisdom of selective ignorance, as well as my approach to life nowadays: passive opportunism coupled with sarcastic complacency.

How it seems most people can be placed into two categories: those who try to control you, and those who just want to push you away. Depending on who you are, they either try to drag you into their scheme of things (your best interests in mind or not, with their best intentions or not), or they want nothing to do with you whatsoever. (Well, at least when it comes to me, but I shouldn't single myself out, lest I be labeled a "crybaby").

The outlandish, unlikely possibility that the universe is a troll, and I'm being trolled just for existing, because it sure seems like it nowadays. (Is Jigsaw running things?) If not just me, then all of us; however, if we're going to assign consciousness to this all-encompassing universe, we've got to acknowledge that it clearly treats people differently, similar, if not identical to, "survival of the fittest", maybe a bit more unpredictable. "Murphy's Law" does not afflict all. It's as if the universe is practicing a little something I like to call selective sadism. One going through their day imagining themselves struggling against it sure gives them a feeling of accomplishment, or at the very least, a rush of adrenaline.

Indeed, I am misaligned with this oft-spiteful universe, which can and will disappoint, so any ideals, desires and fantasies I may develop will be in direct opposition to the mechanics of reality and society collectively, sending things I never asked for my way thinking it helps. (Who wants to be spoiled with everything but what they really desire? I'm willing to work/make sacrifices/compromises for the things I desire, but not have abundance in things that aren't my priority dumped onto my lap as an alternative reward.) It won't let me settle upon any belief system for too long, either rationalistic, philosophical or spiritualist. But it may also be my mind, with it's conflicting internal voices, arguing and battling each other for dominance over my decisions. I'd rather my life not turn out to be a cruel joke, but what can I do about it?

How life in this society is all about fitting neatly into preexisting boxes/categories, since people tend to think in absolutes, as they 'should'. You either "kick ass" or "kiss" it, and even then, you're limited to your social/environmental/genetic conditions. You see, people, including you & I, are limited to their own perceptions, built upon specific experiences, traditions & personality makeups, which, in turn, limits some people's options. Unless, of course, you believe yourself to be an exception, which I'm willing to bet most people would.

How life is a cynical power game from top to bottom. Enslavement, exploitation of vulnerabilities and public humiliation reveal one's weaknesses to large numbers of spectators so the aggressor can dismiss, disassociate with and/or torment the subject in order to figure out where they rank in this "invisible hierarchy". One crushed between society & nature is not one to envy. Indeed, some forms of control, exploitation or enslavement are routines of business, often blissfully unnoticed by their target, and a number are actually enjoyed by the subject!

"If you want to drive someone over the edge and lose all self-control, foster the strongest unsatisfiable urge/desire, unquenchable thirst, insatiable appetite/craving, in them possible for something they will never be able to obtain (or be denied access or opportunity to, or have barriers in the way that if pushed will make them suffer somehow, either through law or societal standards), no matter much effort is put into the attempt. Do this for multiple people, then observe as they constantly remind each other or rub it in how great it is, that they can't live without it, or convince themselves or each other they don't want/need it or that it's wrong/immoral/too dangerous. This has already been done before throughout history, and even today, by various institutions, whether intentional or not."

"It was all for nothing, you gullible sucker! All that time and effort you wasted trying to earn that oh-so-desired-yet-simple-and-refreshing reward (you were TOLD to do such heavy-lifting by your superiors, or else you'd be punished or lose privileges), you could've easily gained it effortlessly if you would've went with our plans and cheated, but now it's too late, because you'll NEVER be able to gain it EVER AGAIN in your WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! And do you want to know the best part? You need it more now than ever before, and now you'll suffer without it, especially since we're going to rub it in and remind you of what you lost, what you could've had, that slipped through your fingers, as often as possible, just to watch you squirm! We're gonna watch as you panic and try to find a lousy replacement, whether it be something far beneath it (not that you deserve better than that) or something far too pricey or hard to manage with! LULZ!!!"

How often I cycle through headache, nausea, embarrassment, panic, annoyance, grief/misery and boredom.

"Without TREMENDOUS emotional strength, reality can have detrimental effects upon your health."

How bad of an influence reality is on someone trying to conduct themselves in modern-day society, and how the social fabric is an obstacle to someone trying to determine the layout of reality.

How anything truly refreshing or relieving, that which lasts, at least, is fleeting from me at a rapid rate. Anyone else have this problem?

How "human values" can't possibly be global/universal, since different people seem to have completely different sets of values, even within the same culture/society.

How I'm steadily losing control over my own life.

How I either give up too easy or don't know when to quit.

How I may've spent too much of my life hanging out with/listening to old people, and what effect that might have had upon me.

How often it seems I can't have what I want even when nobody else wants it.

How my own personal tastes can alienate me from others with differing tastes. How common some of these tastes are, further limiting my options.

How I don't necessarily care about "classic standards of feminine beauty". If someone I fancy happens to have it, so be it.

Limits of language: words have different meanings to different people; some words are limiting in their dichotomies, but using an "accurate" word may still yield criticism or confusion.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure; one man's pain is another man's pleasure"

How the dynamics of human (and even inter-species) relationships makes most people into slaves and/or parasites, except for the aristocrats and alphas, the latter of which can be predators who choose whatever prey they want; "love" as a concept is usually nothing more than slavery and/or parasitism, and mutuality of this is a privilege limited to those lucky enough to find it, except for said aristocrats and alphas; as for other forms of relations, you even see this in capitalist (slavery employment) and communist (parasitic employment) societies; for example, employees are slaves to both their alpha/aristocrat bosses (or simply the company) and their customers simply to make a "living" by benefitting with payment of currency, while the customers are both parasitic to the "workers" who serve them and slaves to the companies that they choose to remain loyal to by loading their own currency into (which may fund things the customer is often unaware of, even things they stand against).

To continue from the above, simply by existing, I may be causing great despair or discomfort for another human in one way or another, but for yet another human, my nonexistence would cause them great dispair or discomfort, and so these two other humans are always at odds because of me.

How one is often a slave to other people's perceptions of one's self, or to their own preconcieved notions. How difficult it is for one to balance between pursuing their own interests and managing/controlling other people's perceptions of them in order to not lose opportunities.

How preconceived notions, confirmation bias, projection and such can be used by people to pull you in or distance themselves.

The phrase "the truth will set you free", and what that entails or whether or not it's always true. Pure freedom without any security (such as in the natural world) can be quite alienating for many people, and so therefore knowledge is capable of being alienating as well. (Some "truths" can ONLY alienate you, with no freedom.) Most people don't really want complete freedom, they only say they do; what they truly want is to be comfortable and protected, to be able to do as they please (within "safe" limits, or at least without facing the consequences they would in nature) and be left to their own devices for the most part, i. e. the freedom to do anything within the limits of not harming anyone directly in the process. However, "live and let live" is not the same as unlimited freedom. Also the phrase "knowledge is power"; if "great power entails great levels of responsibility", then most people would avoid the responsibility of having too much knowledge for their "own good". You know, "ignorance is bliss", unless one directly struggles due to their ignorance. Knowledge can also be addicting yet dangerous.

How discovering truth & figuring out reality are quite irrelevant to our daily lives, except when it comes to working the system to your advantage, in which case some knowledge and natural instinct about the layout of society (even if it only applies to your immediate vicinity) or human nature (if you believe there is such thing) is required to live a healthy, fulfilling life.

How most people don't care about what's true, unless it confirms what they already believe.

"That's the thing about hypocrisy, son. You're not supposed to notice it, and if you do, you're expected to keep your mouth shut about it, lest you want to lose your liberty & privileges in the process."

How ones options are usually limited to whoever's "in charge" of them or "wield power" over them, and how your own interests are irrelevant in relation to what they think is best for you, or what they want you to do or not. If you're fighting this 'system' and winning with minimal effort, you're probably not as 'oppressed' as you think you are.

How society has always been afflicted with permanent imbalance, and will continue to do so. There may be no "solution", and a "perfect balance", "happy medium", or "middle ground" may be impossible, because taking a position on any issue is like placing a ball on top of a round, sloping hill.

How humans have never fully understood each other, and probably never will. They can't seem to agree on anything (or at least most things), yet they all think they're 'right'. It's clear as day that many people don't have any clue or idea what in the hell they're doing. (However, 'humanity' has no set description or definition as a whole, and therefore cannot be easily 'summed up' or 'put into words', so is there really any rhyme or reason to it?)

How humans behave more like social insects (ants & bees) than typical mammals, and operate in "social hives", where ideas, opinions and outlooks are formed according to the collective identity of each group. Members of each hive are taught or indoctrinated how the world outside these hives (including members of other hives) operates and what their motives and goals are, as well as how to behave and interact once they leave their hives, by the hive leader. This info is processed by the members as best as they can interpret it in their minds, until they are set out to follow through what they were just taught, and then we wonder why we see swarms fighting and creating proverbial mushroom clouds.

How the PUA community may be practicing sociopaths for the most part, and how this may fit into survival of the fittest. Being a manipulative, dominating, smooth-talking charmer who can persuade people to do whatever they want, regardless of whether it's in their subject's best interests or livelihood, is supposedly favored by natural selection. Of course, this  assumes all women (and men for that matter) are the same, and they will explicitly tell you which ones to avoid, limiting you to what they think is best. In summary, your best intentions are irrelevant, and whatever you think is true or right doesn't matter, nor what you may actually desire. It's all about impressions, keeping up appearances and possible facades, and taking what your supposed to want, whatever your told you should desire. Ah, much like most avenues in life, unless you're privileged. People may compare Aspergers to sociopathy, but the latter is actually somewhat favored by the social framework.

The absurdity of obese, middle-aged cocky bachelor(ette)s mocking young, fit people for attempting to stay healthy through diet & exercise regimens, as if they're "too smart" for that "new-age modern nonsense", even "proud" of their out-of-shape bodies because they're "old-fashioned". I could understand a person who can manage to stay fit & healthy without being very active or "food-conscious" making a bunch of overweight people struggling to burn calories through such means feel like a "pack of unlucky suckers" by comparison, but if you're one of those fat fellows I was mentioning above, don't complain if you wind up having to settle for a fellow obese companion in the future.

How some Aspies can get caught in "gotcha" moments that appear/sound like negative or embarrassing stereotypical behavior or statements, leading to possible humiliation and/or condescension, further limiting options. Oh well, I guess that's the price we have to pay for being in public, or maybe we all just deserve it anyways; after all, we're all exactly the same, aren't we?

How supposedly nonexistent sensory issues can lead you to be itchy, sweaty or figity, which can lead people to assume you're lying or covering up something in a given interaction with them, which can lead to severed ties and broken relations, as well as potentially ruined reputations.

How women are genetically inclined to choose whoever they want to procreate with (unless they choose lonely abstinence or are strict lesbians without sperm donation), whether they choose to keep the baby or prevent the parasite's existence just so they can enjoy the pleasure (if they enjoy it at all), while men are genetically inclined to either be viable sperm banks, risk death/injury/loss of privileges in the process, or be stuck with a possibly miserable life of abstinence if they're not gay.

How enormous and largely uncharted this universe is, and yet how useless most of our solar system is to our world's immediate and essential needs.

How when I make general statements regarding people, unless you're an exception, please STFU. I'm not here to fight against any "enemy", so I'm not looking to hear how my "social group" is worse, because I'm not all about representing or defending my "kind" if they're doing something that pisses you off, unless it's someone I actually care about, in which case I'm obligated to gain more information before I jump on your bandwagon.

How I occasionally get the impression that everyone's right but myself. Okay, more than occasionally.

How focusing on one priority can make you neglect another.

How often reverse psychology backfires or is ineffective, in relation to how often it works.

How I'm drastically losing faith in some of OKC's algorithms as a matchmaking device. No offense to hopeful visitors, if they exist.

The cruel, complacent, mindless arrogance of the assumption that 'if God wills it, it will happen'. "God" should only be seen as another word for the universe and the forces that shape it.

Whether or not religion, being a misinformed, metaphorical, mass-induced hypnosis, cripples it's adherents into needing it as a 'crutch', creating a void in their 'hearts' that only it can seemingly fill, and puts victimhood into their subconscious. How 'secular humanism', as well-meaning and popular as it may be, may simply be Christianity without a deity or holy book. Whether 'anarchy' is productive or a waste of energy. (Should 'productivity' even be a goal?) If 'nihilism' is true, then who's fit to be a nihilist and who isn't?

(When you're raised to believe the stories in the Bible are actual historical events, and have a sensitive, unintentionally condescending mother who tries to parallel moments of fiction; biblical or not, with moments of your life, as well as a pastor for a father, you don't know when to take fiction personally or not. This doesn't even touch the issue of discerning fiction from real life.)

The ironic, unsaid-yet-ever-so-subtly-enforced policy of churches based on a modified verse of their own bible: "come as you are (but not in those clothes)".

Whenever I hear any overly-simplistic, one-size-fits-all solution(s) to my problems, dilemmas, or conundrums poised by people I know IRL, I can't help but notice how dismissive and patronizing their attitude usually is. It's often an attempt to put an end to the discussion prematurely, as if they know the answer themselves. Conversely, some of the same people may try to poke holes in your answer or possible solution by asking ridiculous questions (ones that aren't valid points).

Whether I'm not trying hard enough, or just trying too hard, when it comes to setting goals, minor or major. After all, everyone has unlimited potential, which just requires more effort, right?

How multiple given positions/people can be right or have 'valid points', but that doesn't necessarily mean they are all equally correct. In fact, more often than not, multiple if not all given positions/people are equally incorrect and possibly contradictory.

Why the conventional route of 'taking a position and sticking to it is often not just overrated, but downright ineffective in the long run, at least for me anyways.

How people who barely know you at all think they can make the worst judgement calls on your character.

How quickly (and sometimes permanently) people's impressions of you are formed (and how these set-in-stone impressions limit your options & privileges).

Whether the majority opinion has more merit than the minority opinion (this has nothing to do with the term 'minorities'). If a person, idea or discovery is unique, rare, or otherwise largely unheard of, then they are practically irrelevant and nonexistent in the eyes of one's everyday peers. It's easy for me to become annihilated by the 'collective truth' if I'm to assume that everyone's right but me, no matter how contradictory or conflicting they may be with each other.

How one doesn't need to have the most truth and wisdom to be "right" in an argument, only the ability to argue effectively and persuasively.

How confusion, or at least the admission of it, is always [either] a weakness and/or excuse, unless, of course, it's coming from an 'expert'. Also, confusion is always the same thing as ignorance.

How nothing an 'expert' says can ever be a fallacy.

How I don't like being compared to certain people, whether real or fictional. How much anyone could care less, and wind up doing it anyways.

Whether or not I'll be treated like a ping pong ball for the rest of my life. It's as if reality and truth depends on who I'm listening to.

How my lifespan may largely consist of missed opportunities and grave mistakes.

Whether or not I've already lost the game called 'life', and whether or not I'm the only one who can, or knows how to, help, if that. How often it seems as if I'm just a burden on society wherever I'm relevant. Whenever I don't feel like a complete loser, I feel like a sucker; if not a sucker, than an idiot; if not a sucker, than a "creep"; sometimes I feel like some combination of the four. I'm probably creeping people out just by existing; perhaps my existence is unforgivable. (The only reason I haven't ended my existence yet is because I haven't found a secluded area in which to do it, and because it's hung over, or hammered into, my head how I must contribute to society in some way or another; however, if it's a pointless endeavor, who am I supposed to obey or listen to? I guess it's my fault for not automatically knowing.)

How there are billions of people in the world, and I'm only one of them. How the world doesn't need me at all, confirming my suspicions of my own irrelevance. I don't need to exist; I'd be better off if I never did. People ask what the 'purpose of living' is; for the less 'fit' (I'm probably one), is it to be 'used for work that's needed in society', or is it to be 'used for the emotional needs of the family one was born into'? If both are true, which one takes precedent? Sometimes I wonder; if one can't get what they want or need most out of life, what fulfills them most, by a certain age, have they 'failed life'? If I can ONLY have what I DON'T really want, everything EXCEPT what I want, anything BUT what I want, while some others can, is it because they deserve it and I don't?

How, in a financially-run system, humans exist as sources of currency for one another.

How often I don't really learn how things work until after I've lost the opportunity to use or obtain them, forcing me to scramble amongst a progressively declining array of options because I have no other choice remaining. I'm not allowed to complain, because 'beggars can't be choosers'. Is it the 'rule' that the only way some 'learn lessons' is by being 'punished' or 'suffering consequences' for the rest of their lives? Is there a way to 'please everyone', and only have those who wish to witness it be able to see and/or hear the subject suffer through their worst, most painful nightmares and fears as punishment for eternity, without ever losing consciousness? Hey, if we're not placating those revenge fantasists, we're not doing our part in culling the "freaks" out of society, right? Because, as EVERYBODY "KNOWS", if you think something, or do something "icky" in private that doesn't harm anyone, it automatically means you're going to do something harmful to the public (because "freaks" never have any self-control, and even if they do, they'll still be considered a threat to society if their "secrets" are ever revealed, and must feel guilty enough to take their own life before that happens for the sake of humanity)!

They say I shouldn't "live in the past"/"dwell on things of the past", unless, of course, it's something I did "wrong", or didn't do what they wanted/told me to, or that "affected them personally" that they "didn't like" and "can't forgive/forget", in which case I should regret or suffer for, and be ashamed of, for the rest of my life.

How often I never know when to care or not. It seems like I started out not knowing enough to give a damn, then being taught to give a damn, followed by someone else making me feel foolish for giving a damn and then stop giving one, only to have someone else make me ashamed about not giving a damn, and the process basically continues that general pattern. I also don't know when to let people effect me or resist (depends upon the person).

Labels, and their usefulness as well as abuse; people may take on any given label for granted, and then complain when they don't fit in with their supposed "clique".

How there can be so many choices, but so few options. How corporatism has placed a monopoly on choice in the western world.

How impossible it is for someone to neither procrastinate too much or be noticeably impatient.

Whether or not all 'optimists' are either stupid, ignorant, insane, blind, sheltered, spoiled, privileged, condescending or 'evil'. In similar fashion, whether or not all 'pessimists' are old, superstitious, prudish, pious, dull, harsh, grotesque, misanthropic or abusive. I would guess that most normal people would be fair-weather optimists. Or maybe I'm 'generalizing'. In any case, anyone unfortunate enough to be reduced to pessimism or negativity is a parasite/burden to those optimists who want to preserve their precious positive attitude.

How luck, happiness & satisfaction depend mostly upon one's genetic inheritance and, to a lesser extent, social structure. In other words, you're born with your general level of those 3 things because of your family, and stuck with them for life. No wonder people move to other countries. So, in summary, genes, social environment/status & circumstances, at least one of which is unchangeable, determine your life's outcome. I curse my family's genes for their curse upon me, while being grateful for whatever genetic/environmental/social blessing I may have. My rank in the supposedly "fictional" hierarchy (as well as any situation of being knocking down off the peak of "satisfaction mountain" that may occur due to weaknesses being noticed by disgruntled or grudge-ridden scheming mountaineers) will determine which of those blessings I should have to sacrifice or have usurped for the sake of another.

How often people's self-interests, no matter how well-meaning, conflict with each other, often without substantial resolution.

How one is supposed to deal with conflicting 'life lessons'.

How the pursuit & mastery of talent & creativity are often a waste of human energy these days.

What starving, poor children in third-world nations would say/think if they heard of all the people who feel sorrow for them in well-off societies. Probably something along the lines of, "hey, I have little to eat or drink, no shelter, no sanitation, and not to mention disease-spreading flies surrounding me, but hey, at least I can rest assured I can get a good night's sleep at night just knowing that there are people living easy feeling sorry for me and thinking their charity attempts and prayers are reaching me and helping me along. Plus, how would I get the warm fuzzies if it weren't for Bono and those other musicians holding those concerts thinking that they benefit me directly? Thanks a million, guys! I may be in terrible conditions, but at least I have your well-intentioned sympathy which makes ALL the difference!"

How easy it would be for a pack of con artists to get involved in the pharmaceudical industry to sell a bottle of tacks, pins, needles, nails or staples as a prescription drug to mentally retarded patients as a "goof". "Hey, even if you think this five-'pill' dosage hurts your mouth, think about the old addage that 'the best medicine is the hardest to swallow'! True, you may be bleeding from the throat or mouth, but relax; that's just the medicine at work curing your ailment. That other patient choked and died from these same drugs? Well, that's just a rare side effect; it probably won't happen to you. We know what's best for you!"

The fact that the glass is only half-full; why can't it be completely full? (Unless you look at it as only 'half empty', which is better than completely empty.) However, nobody ever tells you what the glass in question is filled with. Even an empty glass is normally full of air, unless it's in a vacuum of space. Plus, even if it is liquid, it could be a poison that could harm the drinker, unless it's used to harm or kill a nemesis. Or it could just be a bitter-tasting medicine you'd want to drink less of. In some cases, it's better when the glass is half empty.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Probably staying up way late, though there may be exceptions
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I depress myself to sleep most nights; it's cathartic.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 18–32
  • Located anywhere
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
you've made it this far, regardless of whether or not you skipped reading anything, and still miraculously find me the least bit compelling (there may be better things to do with your time; I wouldn't be bothered, but I wouldn't demand anything out of a random visitor I've never met, because that would be inconsiderate)
after reading these things, you know what I'm talking about, or wonder (if you don't care, fine; I'm probably bugging you anyways)
you have heard of the MBTI (seriously, Google it if not)
you think you'd get along with an INTP like me (see previous)
you're not turned off by half-Aspies, or are one yourself (though I would rather not have it myself, and wonder if people's perception of me once they gain this top-secret info leads them to think stereotypically of me, which limits and embarrasses me. I don't like talking about this topic, because who in their right mind would want to discuss this with me if they don't have it?)
disregard that; that would be too much of a hassle for you, right? (damn strikethroughs aren't working)

Closing notes:
"Who cares about truth, reality & honesty unless it's what the experts say it is? Philosophy is too much thinking, psychology is just excuses, and constructive design is just a waste of everyone's time; the only exceptions are what the experts say it is. The majority rules, do what you're told, and if you get conned, tricked, duped, or otherwise confused, you're just a gullible idiot who should be killed just for not having the instincts that everyone else has!"
-wisdom of the average American