So what am I doing hoping for love… reaching up, building pillars, some boys catch fireflies, while I pursue angels? What kind of man would I be if I finally caught one, more to the point what kind of man am I to dare such a thing.
A dreamer without a doubt but how does one dream about one he’s never known, something he’s never had and I suppose as others feel for a God I have not seen I only believe in this feeling, for someone out there who has yet to know me. A hopeless romantic, though not in the traditional sense of fairytales, I root for Peeta, yearn to be Tobias/Four, and would give anything to be Christian Grey, just to name a few. As Winston Smith put it, “Look, I hate purity. Hate goodness. I don't want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone corrupt.” A thought-criminal to be sure a monster looking to love such a woman of such innocence and virtue as such lust could demand so, I seek an angel to love.
“All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake up in the day to find it was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.” T. E. Lawrence
This I did this I do, want, need, and desire… an artful love of lust; this is my passion, a reason, and a way I am in the process of continual learning. Another way of putting this is literature, learning, and libertine; indeed my passions can be defined by far more but my nature brings to mind these three.
As Henry Miller put it "The best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature." and so I am a writer of hundreds of poems and believe it or not, nine unpublished books. I read all that I can and over the past few months that has included… The Fifty Shades Series, The Hunger Games Series, The Divergent Series, His Dark Materials, and last but not least, Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook, along with several texts from the Marquis de Sade. While I am a virgin, I have been afforded the luxury of attempting to understand my sexuality and for now this lies in Sadism, Dominance and Submission, and learning several concepts in the world of BDSM such as Exhibitionism, Voyeurism, Role-Play etc.
“When you look at me, when you think of me, I am in paradise.” William Makepeace Thackeray
Are you scared or do you dare to tumble down the rabbit hole a little further… to ask how far I would take you, I answer, somewhere only we know.
I have found beauty from picnics on Midsummer’s Day, a walk in the park, or maybe a hike in the woods, maybe we could sit by a lake, perhaps watch a horror movie in a graveyard; to be more traditional maybe a horror movie in a theater or one of my favorite books brought to life. Of course I can do better, would you ever go to an adult theater or bookstore, perhaps entertain you in my “Red Room” or would you dare somewhere more… public?
"She's mad but she's magic. There's no lie in her fire." Charles Bukowski
Dauntless, Selfless, Submissive, and yet my very own “Girl On Fire” all that I want in a woman and far more, all that you are, all you can be and will be… with me is the rub. Being shallow would be all the simpler I suppose and yes I can be but the heart, mind, body, and soul; however is one to bring them into sync.
Girls from worlds fondly remembered, Katniss Everdeen, Beatrice “Tris” Prior, Anastasia Steele/Grey, Fiona Belli, (yes I was a gamer) Hentai etc. I adore intelligence, someone who reads and seeks knowledge of all they can, artistic yearnings especially writers, and an innocence, a goodness that shares such light with me. Let that light be a fire… a fallen angel, someone who would revel in virtue but would long to sin and would defy such virtue, with me.
If I had my way to touch one life which brings about knowledge, beauty, love, or salvation is what I hope to say someday. To somehow enrich this planet with something that prolongs its existence for the better wouldn’t be so bad either. I look at my dog and wonder is he happy, does he feel loved, have I given him a life worthy of living and I would be proud to say that my life gave him love.
Yet with this life… I go to work, I do everything that I can to improve the business to which I am employed but I would be lying if I said that it fulfilled me. Those that gave me life; what should I say… that’s just it, there’s nothing there and while I once found as the song goes “and I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad” this is just the norm. Of the other lives around me, my dream is to share what life I have with just one, which would be a start I suppose.
You ask me about my life but honestly that is nothing to write home about so why not instead write about a life I would consider. As always I leave this to whoever it may concern about what my life is seeing as how we live for the most part what some others may wish.
I am a writer, that's what I am; I once thought it was perhaps my gift to the world, then again why lie, and now there is what I feel. Sometimes I feel as though I am in the pursuit of knowledge and reason, which there can be none of when it comes to affairs of the heart.
As I said before if you have been reading my profile, I have written but not yet published nine books, novellas, short stories, poetry, and full fledge novels. I try to write something every day if but a few words of actual meaning, though it can be mistaken for madness at times. When I find the time I intend to get my blog back up and running again but my life is not my own, and if it were only for my dog I wouldn’t mind that at all.
The knowledge of oneself is very important to me and could be define with the words that we surround ourselves with, the words that touch us, and that enrich our lives. I read for these two reasons… the first being to gain knowledge and fulfillment; to have what has long since been denied through sharing the vision of another and for a while now that has been love. The second is of course to help hone my craft, while I have no formal education in writing the desire has been quite resolute throughout my life and so I do.
Someday I would like to spend my life writing, in a way it’s putting the past behind me with my stories or maybe shining a path before me. At the moment I am seeking to explain myself but would much be reading the sequel to Divergent which is Insurgent.
What I am seeking right now from life is love and how can one love another until they love themselves; now while this is a long time coming I begin with the knowledge of what I am. Sadism… The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others.
In my so called life I am seeking to discover who I am and what I want out life but that in itself sounds somewhat harsh, I intend to give and to receive from life but then that begs the question what can I give? The answer I feel is feeling itself but what is it that I feel in general and that is nothingness, to be wanted, needed, desired and mostly importantly of all loved. Perhaps this is why I have studied different concepts of BDSM which most people equate with bondage and while I have never been one for the leather or whip mentality, the idea of capture, of power, of being the outsider looking in, the loss of innocence in exchange for knowledge of true freedom.
The idea of making someone deny their bodies desires, to make them give in regardless of morality, conscience, and reason for again when has true love ever been reasonable, seems a gift from one life to another. Is it truly life if it is not our own, I propose a world, two lives free from such, in its essence to live for one another… while some see dominant and submissive, master and slave, I see two people who are for each other. My purpose is thus, to have a girl want, need, desire, and love me as I have and will her.
How else would you know me; I would have you be my mine through and through and in that I will have what I most desire in life. What am I doing with my life, looking for love, looking for you