Could anything be more difficult than writing a self-summary? The deeper I dig, the more contradictions I find. I'm a '69 Ford Mustang with chrome-plated self-confidence and turbo-charged insecurities. I'm a nomadic homebody and a humble braggart, a fierce invalid and a shamanic healer. Submerge me in water and it's you who ends up getting wet. I am the man of your dreams and your nightmares, the man your mother warned you about before she and I ran off to Barbados together. I am the sum of all selves who hate writing self-summaries.

Seriously, though, there's a story about a Zen master who said to one of his disciples: "Show me the face you had before your parents were born." That's the kind of self I'm looking for.

You're looking at it.

Objecting to sentences that begin with the words, "I'm really good at." Seems a little arrogant, don't you think? Plus I'm really good at everything, so there's not much point in listing it all.

How could I know the first thing someone notices about me? That's impossible. I suppose if I had a giant booger hanging out of my nose, that would be the first thing someone would notice about me. Otherwise they'd probably just focus on my good looks.

Well, Proust, Joyce and Rilke are all gods. My favorite movies are usually classics and often foreign. Lately I'm digging Massive Attack.

TV: Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (Best. Show. Ever.), Deadwood, Arrested Development, Breaking Bad, Terriers (Why did they cancel that show?!), The Mighty Boosh, Peep Show, Louie, Danger 5, Columbo, The Prisoner, The Larry Sanders Show, According to Jim (I'm kidding, of course. If you think According to Jim is funny, please move to another planet.) I'm still waiting, like an idiot, to sit down and finally watch The Wire.

They should include comedians on the favorites list. Oh look, they do.

Comedians: Andy Kaufman, Bill Hicks, Mitch Hedberg, Louie C.K., Doug Stanhope, George Carlin, Bill Burr, Sarah Silverman, Richard Pryor, Steven Wright. And all things Firesign Theatre.

1. Laughter
2. Music
3. Lists of things I could never do without
4. Mimes
5. Metaphor
6. Irony

What we talk about when we talk about love. Yeah, I know, I stole that line from Raymond Carver. But it is what I think about, and I think about it a lot. I used to think I knew what love was. Now I don't know anything at all. Now I think that everything I thought I knew about love was a combination of cliches that I picked up from watching romantic comedies. So I'm looking for someone who can teach me something, someone who can tell me something I don't already know. Which should be easy, since I don't know anything at all.

Hours away from Saturday morning.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit is that I have a profound understanding of the following lines by Elliott Smith: "If it's your decision to be open about yourself / be careful or else, be careful or else."

You believe that the purpose of human life is to explore and unleash our capacity for infinite creativity and boundless love. Or if you're just feeling horny.