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27 M Philadelphia, PA

I’m looking for

  • Straight women only
  • Ages 20–35
  • Located anywhere
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Today – 10:39am
5′ 11″ (1.80m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Working on university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
[DISCLAIMER: Hi. I realize my profile is longer than the average guy's on here. However, it's been sectioned off into pieces for your convenience. You can skip ahead to whatever you like or skim through it however you wish. Or read the whole entire thing if you want. Its all up to you.

And now that that's out of the way, on with the show!]

I'm what you'd get if you mixed up James Woods, Quentin Tarantino, Dr. House, Abed Nadir, Eminem, and Moe from "The Simpsons," and painted the freaky love-mutant black: A humble Kanye West with no money. (Or if you prefer, the polar opposite of Katy Perry, my arch nemesis.)

Me in six traits: I am Intellectual, Creative, Witty/Sarcastic, a Hopeless Romantic, Headstrong/Pragmatic, and a Gamer. I'm honest, and say things others might not want to hear. I'm creative enough to be officially labeled a "nerd." I'm a hopeless romantic but I'm not going to go out of my way to prove this to you. And lastly, I'm a little pessimistic about the human race given our current state of affairs. I'm an amazing catch, but I'm anything but the status quo. I'm just looking for someone to survive this journey called 'human life on planet Earth' long enough for us to inevitably contribute to humanity, pass along our genetic material onto offspring, and decay inside a box six feet underground.

If you're cute, funny, can handle intelligent conversation, and above all else, friendly, write to me and let's put a stake into the heart of Loneliness together.

Now for the actual profile.

The Official Introduction
...You know, sometimes I think about the end of the world. When all the supermarkets, internet, and smartphones people so overly depend on suddenly disappear and what will happen to these people. How long will they actually be able to survive? A couple of days, maybe? A week? I guess I typically think about things like that on a daily basis. People nowadays in the 21st century. How coddled humanity has become.

I'm Marvin. Nice to meet you! When I walk down the street, I certainly don't look like someone who stands out or grabs anyone's attention. I'm not tall, or handsome, or really even that dark. And I'm definitely not ripped. I'm as typical of a 20-something Philadelphian black male as you can get. That is... until I open my mouth. I'm one of those "quirky" types that doesn't think or act like anyone else. I'm probably 16 people in one, really. I'm complex and in this world, that's sometimes not a good thing.

[The hell with these dudes! ----------------------------------------->
Don't you try to compare me to random hipsters, OKCupid! "Similar Users," my tuches!]

Most people have a "buffet" approach to online dating. I'm more the type who's more likely to talk to a few women overall that could all be potential serious relationships than making myself appeal to as many women as possible, with about 99% of them being totally wrong for me.

I'm looking for a true relationship with the girl I'd climb mountains for. What that means is, most women on here probably won't be right for me. Many might not even like me as a person. That's cool. I'm only trying to find the one who wants the full and complete me, not thousands of women who want a random guy to conform to them. I spent too much time being angry at myself for not being the tall, formulaic "Perfect Man" just about every woman on here describes being entitled to in their "Message Me If" section merely for having a vagina and nothing else. I'm no one's Prince Charming or Mr. Perfect.

So all I ask is please don't try to change me. Because I'm going to be me, and you're going to be you, and that's the way it is. End of story.

So if you're looking for a the same old Tall, Dark, and Handsome "average" guy (a concept I utterly loathe, by the way; I'd NEVER want to be an 'average' anything!), then I'm not what you want. But if you like something different, a bit more unconventional, imperfect, and a sense of humor actually matters to you, then maybe you'll like me. (If you want some pretty mild examples, check out the "Most private thing I'm willing to admit" section.) If you can enjoy me after reading this profile, that's a good start.

I don't discriminate against area codes, race, ethnicity, nationality, age, or size. I don't care where you live because I believe
true love is not limited by distance. However, if you're a Republican/conservative, a judgmental vegan, or extremely religious, it may not be too likely to work out.

About me
My Career goal is to work as a professional writer and television producer in show biz (called a "showrunner "), and I write, all the time. Literally everyday, whether it's through creative fiction, or trying to impress a random stranger through an overly long OKCupid message.

Finding a 'soulmate' is one of my life's six goals. They are: Love, Friends, Career, Education, Dreams, and Looks & Health. I work on trying to improve these, everyday. Each one is a near impossible task to reach 100% completion in, but each time I complete one, I'll earn an Achievement. (The Love one's worth 600G.)

I'm an INTJ personality, if you care about any of that. I'm also a Chaotic Neutral (like Jack Sparrow or Han Solo). My personality is fairly unconventional while barely remaining within the realm of what most would consider 'a human being.' I'm scrappy and a bit of a wise-ass, but also I'm considerate, generous, and loyal. I care about people, but not enough to change who I am just for them. I try to be nice to everyone, but I couldn't care less what part of me "offends" you. I don't live my life to placate others and their sensitive feelings.

I'm very Darwinian and also a perfectionist. If you don't know what that means, basically, I'm very competitive. Like, very competitive. I'm also a good listener and an excellent conversationalist. I can debate with the best of them. If I lacked any kind of conscience, I'd be an excellent lawyer or psychologist. I'm an egalitarian and believe in equal rights for all people, however, I personally have less respect for stupid and rude individuals.

I believe persistence is the only thing that separates the luckiest people in the world from the least fortunate in terms of personal success and happiness. Everyone loses in life, but only quitters stay losers. And things like Love and Dreams are just things I can't give up on trying to achieve in the short time we have in this world. If we don't fight for what we truly want in life, then what's the point of living? To work a job you hate, with someone you don't want to be with, all so you can stay in your comfort zone? Forget that! That's not me.

I love curvy girls! I also love glasses (major!), shoulder-length-or-longer-hair, big earrings, and skirts. Tall, Curvaceous and Voluptuous is definitely my type, but I'm open to almost anyone, so don't take this as a discouragement if you're skinny or petite. If I had to pick any celebrity to date solely based on their persona, I'd go with Olivia Wilde. That laid-back, funny, intelligent, quick-witted, 'best friend' type of sexy tomboy, you know? Although I have my physical turn-ons, Personality is what truly matters the most to me, so if own every season of Community on DVD or Blu Ray, ignore this paragraph and send me a message, already! Bonus points if you own a functional zombie apocalypse kit.

Pet Peeves
- Close-mindedness
- Human stupidity
- Blatant racism
- Arrogance
- Vain, egotistical, self-absorbed types
- Ghetto-ness ("Ghetto" being ill-mannered, dumb, loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate, and rude)
- Capitalism (The rich get richer, and the poor get f**ked)
- Consumerism (Buying useless crap you don't need to make yourself think you're happy)
- Politicians
- Religious self-righteousness
- Most typical human behavior, in general (see above for examples)
- People who put baby pictures online
- Women who put pictures of their friends (or random stuff) in their photo gallery, especially men
- Hypocrites

Selling Points
- Very intelligent (calling all sapiosexual girls)
- Witty sense of humor
- Worth getting to know if you love interesting things/stories
- Very creative
- Endless wealth of stories, being a fiction writer and all
- Can hold a conversation well
- Hopeless romantic
- Extremely ambitious/persistent
- Extremely devoted and loyal to any girlfriend
- (Fairly) decent grammar
- No diseases
- Handicap accessible (I'd date a girl in a wheelchair, yes)
- Available on nights and weekends; even holidays!

Biggest Flaws
- I can sometimes can be pessimistic about the state of the world. It's hard not to be if you have any kind of brain and awareness of the world.
- Imperfect. Not tall, dark, and handsome with a six pack and six figures.
- Not a millionaire; don't have any Make It Rain money.
- Very low tolerance of Gold Diggers and other superficial people.
- I sometimes generalize in my vocabulary. I've been prone to use "all" or "most" often, though I only mean that relating to me, not in the literal sense (Working on changing this).
- I've been accused of sometimes being insensitive. I can either be a straight-up honest shooter with you, because I care about your well being, or tell you exactly everything you want to hear, because I care about your feelings. You tell me which flavor suits you, but I can't simultaneously be the ideal oxymoron you want. YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS NOW, AND NOT LATER. I don't like bullshitting and lying to those who can't handle honesty and are hyper-sensitive because their parents and/or friends were enablers.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm currently working on finishing my BFA in English at Saint Josephs University, with a concentration in Television and Film writing. I already have a degree in Liberal Arts: Social Sciences and one in Creative Writing (both are apparently useless). I want to be a writer for television and movies, but I guess you gotta have the right credentials, first. Obviously, this would mean moving to Hollywood as soon as I graduate, but lately, I've been thinking about trying to break into the Canadian television industry. It's probably easier and Canada is a better country than the US right now anyway. But the choice between Hollywood and Toronto is still a hard one.

Right now, I work in private security and also do on-call work in concert and event security. It sucks. There's an old saying: "If you like hamburgers, don't work at McDonalds." Funny thing is, I'm not even a huge music buff. I just hate that club & techno crap. Before that, I worked for various companies doing Direct Marketing, which is really just a fancy title for "door-to-door salesman."

I'm working on trying to become a Security Enforcement Officer. Basically, a privatized cop, with union pay and all. I am trained and certified in this field, including possessing a PA ACT 235. They make a lot of money for just sitting around, looking at a monitor all night. I'm a nocturnal person (I don't sleep) so any overnight job with little-to-no-supervision or dealing with the public is my ideal job, for right now. In the meantime, I'm doing part time concert work for an endless multitude of Indy bands.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Recognizing patterns and connections, thus figuring out a person's personality, backstory, and insecurities within minutes of meeting them. Some would guess I can see into the future because of this. I'm 'extremely astute,' as they say. Someone once said I'm exactly like "The Mentalist." But I don't watch that show, so I wouldn't really know. Despite this though, I may get things wrong every once and a while, and am trying to fix this.

I'm also really good at Creative Writing, of course. Not "great" yet, though. Maybe an 8 out of 10.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
FAVORITE BOOKS: I love this book, and it is eye-opening. I guess Snow Crash was also okay. I don't have a favorite. My tastes are ever-changing and shifting too much. Recently, I've had to proof-read a lot of amateur novels. Sci-fi (and "SyFy") type stuff that completely goes over my head.

FAVORITE MOVIES: Fight Club, Scarface (cliché answer, I know), Anchorman, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, The Incredibles, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Zombieland, Hot Fuzz, Carrie (the original), Tamara (the remake), Back To The Future Part 1 & 2, Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2, Byzantium, Iron Sky, The Dark Knight, Spiderman 1 & 2, The Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, anything Superhero, most Comedies, and almost anything with Steve Carell.

FAVORITE SHOWS: Community (My favorite show!), The Office (Seasons 1 through 7), The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park, Drawn Together, The Boondocks, Rick and Morty, Archer, Dragon Ball Z/Kai, Dexter, Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead (despite how terrible and inconsistent it is), Law & Order: SVU, Angel, Stargate Universe, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Red Dwarf, Seinfeld, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Just so you know, South Philly in reality, is nothing like that show, though most Philadelphians do act like that), American Ninja Warrior, Real Time with Bill Maher, CollegeHumor and The Onion online.

FAVORITE VIDEO GAMES: Saints Row series, Grand Theft Auto series, The Sims 2 & The Sims 3, Mass Effect series, Resident Evil series, Fallout 3, Bioshock 1 & 2, Gears of War 3, Mega Man series, Sonic the Hedgehog plaformer series, Super Mario platformer series, Pokémon series (Generation I, II, III & V), Mario Kart 64, Goldeneye 007, WWF No Mercy.

FAVORITE RAPPERS: Eminem, Jay-Z, Kanye West, T.I, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, DMX, Kendrick Lamar, The Lonely Island. And Drake. Just kidding! I don't listen to his corny ass.

FAVORITE ROCK BANDS & SINGERS: Three Days Grace, Linkin Park (my two favorite bands), Killswitch Engage, Breaking Benjamin, Journey, Dio, Blue Oyster Cult, My Chemical Romance, Panic! At The Disco, Paramore/Hayley Williams, Skylar Grey, Rihanna, Evanescence, Within Temptation, Weird Al.

FAVORITE SONGS: All songs are exactly the same.

HEROES: Tyler Durden, Moe Szyslak, Bill Maher, George Carlin, Edward Snowden, Evil Abed, Meg Griffin, terminator Cameron Phillips, Illyria the God-King, the chaos goddess Eris, the EDI Artifical Intelligence of the Normandy SR-2, the Grim Reaper, and to a slightly lesser extent, Joss Whedon.

FAVORITE FOODS: Anything Beef or Cheese related; cheeseburgers, cheesesteaks, pizza, burritos, etc. (I *do* eat healthy stuff too, but, you know, they asked for Favorite , so...)
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I always find this question to be really dumb. Like, really? Six things you could never do without? Really??? I'm not one for being attached and overly dependent on any superfluous thing, so I don't have an answer for this stupid question.

Unless food, water, clothes, a breathable atmosphere, shelter, and freedom count.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
* Why humans are the only species where Darwinism seems to only work in reverse.

* If a "sense of humor" is the most universal thing women look for in a guy, why don't comedians ever get laid. Or clowns.

* What my wife in the future would look like, and what her name would be. ("Ashley", "Melissa", "Kaitlyn", "Katie", "Christy", "Jill", "Jenn", "Jessie," "Lauren", "Lara", maybe?)
I'm very much interested in names and the people those names are attached to, and honestly, I'm not sure if I could be with someone with a weird, ghetto, masculine, or awkward-sounding name. Sorry, Kirsten. (I don't even like my own name.) It'd just be really hard to get used to and something that'd always bother me in the back of my mind. If I fell for someone like that, I'd have to assign them a nickname.

* Is the correct pronunciation of facts and statistics "day-ta" or "dat-ta"?

* Sentence syntax. "That was a good one, wasn't it?" "Wasn't that a good one?"

* Why girls like "The Big Bang Theory." It's a terrible show.

* How many things Back to the Future II got wrong. And how many things Wall-E got right. The Obese, Tech-Obsessed Future is today!

* Why all the tall women are from Virginia. Or sometimes, Georgia.

* How come you never see any female food delivery people. They're always thirty-something slightly-balding men who kind of look like pedophiles. Am I the only one who thinks that's weird?

* If I signed up for State Farm, would I get one of those magical insurance genies, too? "♪ I don't have State Farm but insurance find me money! ♪"

* Why my first and last name is universally associated with the ugliest motherfuckers on Facebook. Is my name cursed or something?

* Why the real police aren't anything like TV cops are. All dedicated and not-lazy and going the extra mile and all? It'd be nice to know one real cop out there that wasn't a former bully victim in grade school seeking payback on society.

* Why I'm not the next Joss Whedon, at this point. I mean, I'm almost as good as him! And I KNOW I'm way better than JJ Abrams, that douche. ;)

* Why most people are too blind to see the "WILLING TO ADMIT" part on "The most private thing I'm willing to admit" and thinks OKCupid wants your social security number or something.

* Why every time you hide/block someone on here (like men showing up in a Heterosexual Women search), OKCupid just gives you more results of the same type of person. I'm tired of dudes showing up in my damn searches! Now I know what women are talking about with the shirtless dudes flipping the bird as their profile photo. Douchebags...!

On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Hopefully not abducted by aliens. Or, if it's a more boring week, with friends at Friday Game Night.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
* I've actually hit the Maximum Questions Limit on OKCupid. "Wow, you answered all of the questions! Why not go find a match?" That's almost kind of an insult, don't you think?

* I really hate my height. I'm 179.5 cm (1.79 meters) short. I stopped growing when I was twelve. I remember this because we had to do a class-wide height project in 7th grade math and I thought the guy next to me was 5'12". I really do wish I was tall rather than short - the minimum for it being 6'1" and up. I guarantee you it'd be one of my three genie wishes. To be 6'3" and instantly 60% more respected by all humans.

* I usually tend to mirror or mimic the positivity of whoever I'm around. And since I grew up here, it probably explains why I'm so cynical in public. (I'm trying to change, though.)

* I really don't like Philadelphia. Seriously. I'd almost rather live in Cleveland or some other equally terrible city. But what'd be the difference? When I move, I'm telling people I'm from Detroit.

* I'm convinced that I *am* going to have to move in order to find one compatible woman I can be with. Feels like every woman in the Northeast wants the same Hugh Jackman/Ben Affleck/Johnny Depp-in-a-garage-band type of guy, and won't give the time of day to any actual slightly-flawed men in the world. I do wish someone would prove me wrong.

* I truly despise (modern) Feminism and equally despise Feminazis. Because feminism ignores all male problems in the world and tries to "empower" women by constantly portraying them as victims and calling them "weak", in an ironically sexist attempt to gain female supremacy that they call "equality." Actual equality can't exist by focusing solely on the problems of one sex while ignoring the other. That's why I think feminism is complete bullshit, and I have absolutely no patience for it. Please save me the time if you're jealous of all men or a man-hating rape accuser or think "Rape Culture" is an actual real thing. There are other terms that support equal rights for all people, like Egalitarianism, Humanism, and Equalist, which I follow. Feminism either ignores all male issues in the world or completely villainizes all men as "privileged" or potential rapists, while simultaneously patronizing all women in the process. There's a reason more than 77% of women would never call themselves a "feminist." I'd much prefer the company of an egalitarian over that shit.

* I seriously hate the Yes or No only question on here "Would you strongly prefer to go out with someone of your own skin color?" "No" implies you hate your own race and "Yes" implies you're a racist. This question can't be answered properly. The only winning move is to not play.

* I also hate it when some women say "I don't date [race] men, but that doesn't make me racist!" Uh... if not wanting to associate with someone outside your own race or someone of a certain ethnicity isn't 'being racist,' then what the fuck is? If you're going to be a bigot, at least come out and admit it. (Most of these women also claim to be Christian.)

The most racist women are almost always from either Florida, Indiana, Pennsylvania, (Especially West Chester!) or New York state, and surprisingly, not any of the "southern" states.

* Online, Scandinavian women tend to be the most attracted to me. American women the least. And Canadian women could go either way. I'd be a lot cooler if I lived in Europe, apparently.

I tend to be most attracted to women from either the Pacific Northwest, like Oregon, Utah or Washington state, or Georgia, Virginia, or San Antonio (for some reason). Maybe I do live in the wrong part of the country.

* I get annoyed at people who complain about the climate. "It's SO hot!" Yeah, that's called "Summer", genius. What were you expecting in July, snow? And yes, winters do tend to be cold sometimes. It happens.

* I can win any drinking contest. I have the liver of a hamster. But I don't really drink. Its a natural tolerance. I'm unofficially "straight edge," so don't think I'm bragging or anything.

* I wish I was an NFL lineman or a WWE wrestler. That way, my physical appearance could be easily explained. "Oh yeah, I play for the Giants. That's all." There's not too many positives in being short, stocky and broad-shouldered if you're not a pro-athlete. Plus, I'd finally be allowed to drink Gatorade without judgment.

* The sexiest thing a woman can do in my opinion is put her arms akimbo on her hips. It's just such a strong, dominant, confident position, as if she's saying "I'm in charge. Now get on your knees." ...Uh, not that I have any experience hearing this in real life or anything.

* I have an irrational fear tall people are always going to chokeslam me. Especially the women.

* I can bench up to 200 pounds right now. Squat about 180 and deadlift about 220. Though I really haven't tried any more than that. But still, that's all less than what most female superheroes can do. I'm a failure! :(

* I'm immortal, in the sense that I cannot die. I do age and can potentially feel physical pain though, which sucks. Defeats the whole purpose, in my opinion.

* I'm currently practicing Telekinesis. I might not ever be a 'Biotic' anytime soon, but conjuring wind is still something.

* I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.

* I have an extremely weird speaking voice. I sound nothing like I look. Oddly enough though, it allows me to imitate anyone to 90% accuracy, including women. Also because of this, I've actually been told I'm really great at singing. But I'm not bragging: I don't like singing in public or baring myself emotionally. ...I'm not good at that.

* Although all my other senses are Above Average, I have bad eyesight. Damn you, video games!

* I have strange eyes. And by that, I mean the iris color. They don't even have a name for it. It makes filling out a driver's license renewal form awkward. A girl one time asked me if I was a member of the Volturi. Sadly, I understood the reference...

* My blood is A+, the blood type of Losers, and I hate it. It's even lower than O+ and is the absolute worst blood you can have (common yet selective, and useless to anyone else but O's). All the Negative blood types are the good ones. But A+ is the worst. It's the vampire equivalent of brussels sprouts. At least O+ is as good as cold ramen. This will explain things if you don't understand.

* I strongly feel that ketchup is very much underrated. For real.

* I watch TMZ. And I know every single person's name on there. I'm ashamed of it... :(

* I'm seriously disappointed no one ever taught me how to Dougie.

* My new favorite word is "shitbird." Like, "Screw you, ya fucking shitbird!" Thank you, internet. And... the Navy, apparently.

* If, or when, they make a movie about my life, I'll most likely be played by Forest Whitaker. Though I'll really be hoping Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson signs on, instead! Or, if they really wanted to be different, Anne Hathaway in blackface.

* I love flavored toothpaste, specifically bubble gum and strawberry. That's why my toothpaste tubes have Snow White and Ariel on them!

* I won a Pokémon World Tournament in New York when I was fifteen. So, yes. I'm quite literally a Pokémon Master. Deal with it.

* If I was a Pokémon, I'd be a Lv. 60 Tyrogue. Lonely nature. I'd be jealous of all the Machops, getting to go out on dates with those sexy Gardevoirs, Jynxes, and Lopunnys. Hopefully one day, I'll be able to afford enough Iron to evolve into a strong Hitmonchan. Even so, I'd have missed all my best moves.

* I was voted "Least Likely To Succeed" in high school. It'd be super ironic if I succeeded to live up to this expectation...

* I loathe "Lucky" people. You know, the ones who are vice presidents by the time they're 22 despite the fact that they can barely read, write or spell, and have never had a single problem their entire life. I mean, I've been in school for eight years and can barely get a job. But half the people on here talk about how they work as "President of" this and "Special Coordinator of" that, and they're only twenty-two. If they're not lying, what world do these people live in where they get literally everything handed to them in their careers with a 1.8 GPA from some party school like Arizona State? I'd like to live there.

* I get annoyed at people who describe themselves as "sarcastic." Myself included. Because that's real original!

* I have three real life catchphrases. "Literally." "If You Say So." and "Really?!?" In fact, everyone in my family has one. (My sister's is "Deuces." My mother's is "[word], my ass!")

* I'm half African-American, one-quarter Afro-Cuban, and one-quarter White. My birth parents were both half-something and half Black. Frankly though, it's easier to just put "black" on a job application. (And yes, I see the "black/job application" joke set up, there. Not cool, ya racist!)

* I'm totally obsessed with the X-Factor. No, not the crappy talent show. The wrestling finisher by Sean "X-Pac" Waltman.

* I never kill the innocent pedestrians in Sandbox video games. On purpose, at least.

* I can't stand riding in elevators! Especially with people in them. Especially when you're in there by yourself and then someone jumps in at the last second right as the doors are about to close, and then, like, nine more people jump in after him and all press every single floor below yours, so what would've been a 15 second ride turns into seven minutes. Yeah, if it's under four floors, I'll almost always take the stairs.

* I never answer the phone with "Hello." Try to guess what else might work instead.

* Don't ask me to watch Game of Thrones. I f*cking hate that show.

* My current favorite anything in music right now is The Lonely Island. Top songs would be: Jack Sparrow, Space Olympics, Boombox, and I'm On A Boat.

* I apparently use "seriously" too much. I guess that's catchphrase #4. And "IMO" ("In my opinion") would be #5.

* I wish The Joker was my father. Storm can be my mom, but she'd be a bitchy mom, for sure. Plus, the whole DC/Marvel family feud would be entertaining at Thanksgiving.

* I carry around my backpack everywhere. Even if I'm not in school that semester. In video games, they have subspace pockets to hold their inventory in. Even large things like bicycles and rocket launchers. Too bad real life doesn't have that, so my bookbag will have to do for now. It's my utility belt for life.

* I'm sad there's no real life version of 'The Fatties' movies from "Tropic Thunder." I want "The Fatties: Fart Two", now!!! Grandma goes to Paris, for crying out loud!

I'm also waiting for "Soul Plane 2: The BlackJacking!"

* I've never met a Jew before. I think Philadelphia has some, but I don't know the one neighborhood they all nest in.

* All of the girls I've ever had crushes on or been good friends with have all had names starting with the letter J, and half of them were named Jenna/Jena. It's weird. Maybe you'll be the first non-J I meet.

* If I could be friends with any anime character, it'd be Panty Anarchy from Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt.

* For some unknown reason, every single girl I've ever liked on here has wanted to, or has, worked in the Medical or Science career. So, unintentionally, I guess that would make my "type" a sexy scientist or doctor lady.

* I secretly wish I was retarded enough to join Scientology. It looks fun. Say what you will about any religion, but they sure are a unified bunch.

* I'll never possibly comprehend people who say they are, or that they're looking for someone who is, "God-fearing." I honestly don't get it. I thought "God" was supposed to be all love and whatnot? "God-fearing" makes no sense to me, whatsoever. Unlike the Bible, maybe I'm taking this too literally.

* If you've ever, as an adult woman, described yourself as a "princess" (without "warrior" preceding it), or say you deserve nothing less than "Prince Charming," then we already won't get along. Seriously, grow up. What guy wants to be with an overly-entitled spoiled brat?

* "Nowadays, it's very common to hear people say, 'I'm offended!' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more than whining and bitching. 'I'm offended!' has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I'm offended!' Well, so-fucking-what?" - Stephen Fry

* I kind of lose respect for anyone who thinks TED/TED Talks are insightful or educational in any way. Its pseudo-intellectual garbage anyone with half a brain laughs at for its sheer pretentiousness and ability to take ten minutes to say something one sentence would be able to do while the speaker pats themselves on the back the entire time. TED Talks is what dumb people think is intelligent conversation.

* I will think less of you and your 'intelligence'/lack of education if you use 'women' in the singular. As in, "I'm a good women" or "I'm a hard-working women looking for love." You have no idea how common this is.

* No, I do not know why everyone on here is obsessed with the Oxford Comma. Is that some kind of inside joke the hipsters of OKCupid are keeping to themselves? Or some Vampire Weekend thing? This, the singular use of "women", and iPhone obsessions really annoy me.

* If I had to spend six months on a desert island with anyone (food included), I'd pick Casey Anthony. Hell, I'd pick her as my partner for The Amazing Race!

* In the "baby or box full of puppies and kittens" Who Would You Save From A Raging River scenario, I'd always choose the puppies & kittens. Every time. Babies can swim, right?

* I don't think I'd ever have kids. I don't really like 'em. Especially babies. I cannot see what other non-parents possibly see in babies. They're loud gross little poop-machines, to me. I don't even want to look at them, much less hold one.

* I'm going to fucking kill Katy Perry the next time I see her! She knows what she did to me when I worked the Wells Fargo Center in June 2011... Ha. Ha. Real-fucking-funny, Katheryn! We all had a big laugh, didn't we?

* If I had to make a scientific guess about anything, I'd say a good 90-95% of people who buy Apple products are douchebags. Do you really need that over-priced narcissistic identity statement for yourself while kids starve to death in Africa? Well do ya, punk?

* I never, ever choose to do anything "random" or by "luck." This means I don't gamble or play cards. And I never use the random-play button on an Mp3 player. Considering my horribly bad luck, it'd be insanely stupid to "leave things up to chance." I can flip a coin fifty times and literally lose the call 50 times in a row. I like having at least a tiny bit of control over my destiny considering how chaotic and random the universe is already.

* I hate math. Not its uses, but just the school subject, itself. I was never good at math and its the only subject I'd still struggle with. I'll always hate algebra!

* I'm against most drugs - especially weed - and drinking yourself stupid. I believe just because some substance makes you feel good for a couple hours, doesn't mean you should over-indulge in it every week and have no self-control. Honestly, I think weed smokers (the ones who get high every other day or so) are complete losers and I have no respect for them. But if you want to 'legalize it' and smoke or drink your problems away, be my guest.

* This is literally "THE BEST OKCUPID PROFILE EVER"!
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You actually read this profile and haven't hidden it, yet. And if you can rate yourself higher than three stars. (*Note: Not to be taken seriously!) How do I rate people on this site? Let's make a game out of it!

* +3 stars for a decent, not-annoying profile (the default) or
+4 for a kick-ass unique profile with some creativity to it that stands out in a sea of mediocrity.

* +1 star for being cute, or +2 for being sexy and you know it.

* +1 star if your hair currently has any shades of blue, purple, pink, or green in it right now.

* +1 star if you know who Neil deGrasse Tyson is without Google.

* +1 star if your "Six things I could never do without" doesn't have any post-80's technology on it. (Smartphones, laptop, iPod, Twitter, Facebook, etc.) More essential stuff, like your car or electricity, is okay and you get the points.

* +1 star if your "Message Me If" section doesn't have any requirements, checklists, or dealbreakers on them and is something simple and inviting like "If you want to get to know me" or "if you feel like it!" (Irony. I am aware of it.)

* +1 star if you're more-than-skinny, but aren't obnoxiously defensive or militant about it. As in "If you don't like big girls, you can FUCK OFF!!!" Every guy doesn't want a 90 pound twig, ya know?

* +2 bonus stars if you mention the words "Pokemon," "Community" (the show), "zombies", or "Archer" on your profile.

* +1 bonus star if you've ever wanted to go Super Saiyan or be like Android 18.


* -1 star if we 'got issues.'

* -1 star if you use "LOL" more than twice on your profile.

* -2 stars if you use the word "women" in the singular at any time. (As in, "Beyoncé is the perfect women.")

* -2 stars if you spell full words using single letters or numbers. ("u," "2", "h8r", etc.)

* -2 stars if you love the Kardashians (seriously, not ironically).

* -3 stars if you're annoying, preachy, or a vegan.

* -3 stars if you use the phrase "don't waste my time" or "Prince Charming" (non-ironically) on your profile.

* -4 stars if you use the phrase/line "Have your shit together" on your profile. (Translation: "Be rich.") That is a BIG, fucking red flag!

* -4 stars if you're shallow or have height or income requirements just "to message you."

* -5 stars (Dealbreaker status) if you're a self-proclaimed "feminist"/misandrist. And/or a "Social Justice Warrior" (SJW). And/or you use the words "cisgendered," "privilege", or "offended" in everyday use. Guess what? No one likes you. Take that shit back to Tumblr!

* And -5 stars & Blocked if you're racist or say "I only date Whites. Races shouldn't mix!" (Of course, you wouldn't be reading this anyway, if so.)

Add 'em up. If you're four or more stars, congratulations on being awesome! Here's some starter questions you could answer if you cannot think of anything to say.

1) If you put on a magical pair of shoes that made you grow ten times your normal size, what would be the first things you'd do?

2) Who's richest out of Bruce Wayne, Lex Luthor, or Tony Stark?

3) Do nice guys really finish last? Or at all?

4) Why do you think today's youth are so damn sensitive and PC?

5) Do you have any fantasy alter egos or personas?

6) Who would you rather be? Wonder Woman, Catwoman, She-Hulk, Storm, or Lois Lane? Or [other]?

7) If all your friends, co-workers and associates, assuming you have some, had to give a roast of you, what is the one thing they'd likely bring up about you the most?

Thanks for stopping by!