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MattAmI

29 San Francisco, CA Man

Man

I’m looking for

  • Women who like men
  • Ages 21–65
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 5:33pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
Asian, Native American, White
Height
5′ 7″ (1.70m)
Body Type
Skinny
Diet
Strictly anything
Smokes
Yes
Drinks
Often
Drugs
Religion
Atheism, and very serious about it
Sign
Taurus, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Working on two-year college
Job
Unemployed
Income
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Seeing Someone
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t want kids
Pets
Likes dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Okay), Spanish (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
"Somebody must have left the kid out in the rain too long. His brain's warped."

-W.C. Fields

Although I was born in South Carolina (in North Charleston, alas!), I ask that you not hold it against me. Too prevalent in this neck of the woods is a profoundly grating get-off-my-lawn-you-lousy-carpetbagger attitude, and too often is it espoused by transplants who were at one time newbies themselves. If you're not Ohlone, you oughtn't feel that way. I've lived in many places besides South Carolina, namely (in chronological order) Florida, Spain, Hawaii, Texas, West Virginia, Washington, the Netherlands, the Mojave Desert, and last but not least, San Francisco.

Well, I've been hanging around this crazed, amazing, spectacular little gingerbread village for over 4.5 years now, and while it's been fun being on my own, I really don't want to be on my own any more. It's easy to get laid in this town (a leper could do it), but I want something else. In short, I am hunting for love, and I want to use OkCupid as my sniper scope. While there seems to be an abundance of breathtakingly gorgeous women in this town (most of the rest are merely pretty), many of them are snotty hotties who only speak to their fellow hipsters* and eschew contact with the rest of humanity. Many of the non-hipsters (read: highly educated professionals) are status-obsessed gold-diggers. Many of the gals who fall into neither category are dope fiends. Yuck.

I'm not against women who love indie rock, giant secretary glasses, and fixies per se; I'm not against women who majored in molecular biology, donate to NPR, and do yoga every day per se. What I am opposed to is the arrogance that usually accompanies such characteristics. I am definitely opposed to abscess-stabbing, glass-twirling, and constant powder-vacuuming per se.

Perhaps I judge too harshly; perhaps some degree of arrogance and some form of elitism are both nearly universal features of the human psyche. Maybe almost all of us are elitists, but with differing standards. (As for myself, I'm a pretty big proponent of Plato's "aristocracy of the intellect.") Despite that, egalitarianism is nearly ubiquitous in principle out here, but it is quite rare in practice. That pisses me off. I hate fakeness, lies, and hypocrisy with a passionate fury.

My sense of smell disappeared for good in '08. I smoke like a forest fire, I drink prodigious quantities of coffee, and I've narrowed down the list of cities in which I'd like to settle permanently to a grand total of two: The Hague and Copenhagen (they're full of bicycles, nowhere near any active fault lines as far as I know, and above sea level). I cannot tolerate stupid people, and sometimes I fear the future in general and mine in particular, though not solely due to the global stupidity epidemic and its potentially disastrous consequences. When I die, I want to die in an earthquake, and during the earthquake, I want a bookcase (its shelves groaning with books I've started to read but never finished) to topple over and crush me like a bedbug.

I hope both political parties here in the US will disband within my lifetime because they both suck.

*Of course I'm aware of other subcultures' presence -punks, goths, hippies, &c.-, but within each of them one often finds the same futile brownie-point competition for which hipsterdom has earned its rightfully-mocked notoriety.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Studying. That's what students do, isn't it?
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Blowing smoke rings, skipping stones, giving head, walking, pedaling, typing, turning coffee and beer into urine, adding carbon atoms to oxygen molecules to create carbon dioxide, and losing every possession of mine that's not an actual body part.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My hair. It contains every natural hair color I've ever seen and is the result of a fleshly union between a redhead and a blackhead.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: 1984, Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, Crime and Punishment, Lord Jim, The Hitchhiker Quintology, One Hundred Years of Solitude, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, The God Delusion, Natural Acts, Breakfast of Champions, Catcher in the Rye, the Dirk Gently novels, Job: A Comedy of Justice, The God of Small Things, The Boy Scout Handbook, The Norton Anthology of English Literature, The Road, Bravo Two Zero, A Maze of Death, The Plague, The Picture of Dorian Grey, Les Fleurs du Mal (any good English translation will do as I can't read French), Where the Sidewalk Ends, Lord of the Flies, A Light in the Attic, The Sorrows of Young Werther, Candide, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, the Oxford English Dictionary, I Feel Sick, Johnny The Homicidal Maniac, Ender's Game, the LotR trilogy, The Metamorphosis, The Wind in the Willows, etc.

Magazines: San Francisco Bay Guardian, Scientific American, Harper's, Mother Jones, Adbusters, The Economist, The New Yorker, and sometimes The Atlantic.

News sites: Guardian, Huffington Post, Al-Jazeera, Russia Today, Nature, PhysOrg, Slate, Salon, Democracy Now!, PLoS One, Vice, and sometimes Disinformation.

Movies: Dr. Strangelove, A Clockwork Orange, No Country for Old Men, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, The Seventh Seal, Songs from the Second Floor, Wings of Desire, Freaks, Pan's Labyrinth, Labyrinth, The Neverending Story, Requiem for a Dream, Eraserhead, The End of Suburbia, Stardust, There Will Be Blood, Full Metal Jacket, The Isle, The City of Lost Children, City of God, 28 Days Later, the Evil Dead trilogy, the LoTR trilogy, Darwin's Nightmare, the Matrix trilogy, Donnie Darko, Beetlejuice, Fight Club, Blade Runner, Supersize Me, Nosferatu, District 9, Three Kings, In Bruges, O Brother Where Art Thou?, etc. (Note: I know it's "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" but had I punctuated the title correctly, I would have had to replace all my other commas with semicolons. I am lazy.)

Shows: I don't watch much television, but if I had to pick, I'd choose House, The Mighty Boosh, almost anything on LinkTV, Seinfeld, Futurama, NOVA, Russia Today, Cowboy Bebop, Invader Zim, South Park, BBC News and World Report, The Rachel Maddow Show, Saturday Night Live, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, The Twilight Zone, Ren & Stimpy, Farscape, History Channel documentaries (particularly stuff about ancient battles and the First World War), etc.

Music: Please don't clobber my noggin with your amazing music snobbery. It's not a superpower. Maybe I haven't heard of every last one of your favorite musicians, but that doesn't mean I won't give them a chance to woo my eardrums. As for myself, I don't think I've ever owned or listened to all the songs written and recorded by the following artists, but based on what I've heard thus far, I think a soundtrack to a good morning/evening/afternoon might include the following: J.S. Bach, Joy Division, Chuck Berry, Robert Johnson, Iggy & the Stooges, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, The Ramones, Modest Mouse, The Toy Dolls, The Cramps, Rasputina, Future Bible Heroes, The Sisters of Mercy, Einstürzende Neubauten, The Dead Kennedys, The Magnetic Fields, Christian Death when Rozz was still team captain, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, Portishead, Placebo, Massive Attack, The Vitamin String Quartet, Bad Brains' non-Rastafarian songs, Johnny Cash, Front Line Assembly, AC/DC, some early New Order, Wolfsheim, Tchaikovsky, Nitzer Ebb, Siouxsie and the Banshees, PJ Harvey, The Bloodhound Gang, Queen, Pink Floyd, Swans, AC/DC, Magnetic Fields, Guns 'n' Roses, Alien Sex Fiend, Xiu Xiu, Portishead, The Vandals, The Cure, Bauhaus, The Vaselines, and possibly a few others.

Food: Hoity-toity versions of all-American junk food, pizza, bratwurst, sashimi (particularly toro), Thai, New England clam chowder, Indian, Manhattan clam chowder, Moroccan, oysters on the half-shell, steak and eggs, Belgian frites, various types of salad, fish and chips, salty licorice, gelato, persimmons, Oriental pears, and extra-dark chocolate. Is beer a food? Oh, yes it is. Beer. I have a predilection for Russian imperial stouts, and I also enjoy imperial IPAs, Belgian quads, Flemish sours, and saisons.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1. Laptop 2. Bicycle 3. Notebook 4. Pen 5. Backpack 6. Camera 7. Coffee 8. Cigarettes

Okay, that list is longer than it should be by a third, but those are eight things without which life would suck.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Life and death, sex, BDSM (what is the appeal? if someone tried that with me, I'd be like, "Ow! The fuck are you doing?!?"), the absurd cost of living in this town, time travel, space travel, free will vs. philosophical determinism, those silly dope fiends who prevent me from peeing by perpetually occupying the Pee-O-Matics, economic justice, the future of mankind, my future, political correctness and its potential to sacrifice truth on the altar of idealism, how silly those Republicans are, bicycles, the Netherlands, urban planning in the US and how much room for improvement it has, travel, my personal finances, the problem of choice, disease, old age, food, stupid people, the positive consequences of colonialism, those darned hipsters, favorite people of mine who dwell in faraway lands, coffee, cigarettes, Belgian ales, anosmia, various parasitic arthropods, chess, the nature of intelligence, my status as a terrible 'lectric abacus end-user, history, candies I can't buy here in the States, the way tall people crowd the stage at shows, my personal finances, the future of the English language, spelling errors all over the windows of cheap restaurants, urban planning and design, whether or not the American people will get what they deserve in the end*, what that might be, and possibly a few other things.

*“No one in this world, so far as I know — and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me — has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.”

-H.L. Mencken
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Drinking ale, hoping a lecherous middle-aged woman will sink her claws into me, and possibly trying to find a suitable chess opponent. If there's a movie/show/gallery opening that looks good on paper, I might check it out.

On the other hand, I'm sometimes sitting in my room reading online news articles about science and/or politics.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I am often struck by an urgent need to pee.

I chew on my fingers all the time and it's gross; I daydream constantly about how much cooler life would be if I were someone else, and that's also gross.

I'm no good with money and I'm no good with time, and I guess that means I suck at math. I don't like people who suck at math.

I guess that means I'm not a huge fan of myself.

Wait . . . there's no guessing involved.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
**NOTE: NONE OF THE FOLLOWING ATTRIBUTES ARE ABSOLUTE PRE-REQUISITES FOR MEETING ME IN PERSON, BUT I'VE LISTED THEM SO EXTENSIVELY TO CREATE A FAIRLY THOROUGH SKETCH OF THE KIND OF LADY I HOPE TO FIND**

You live in San Francisco proper.

You own at least one bicycle and use it to close the gap between points A and B when feasible, or intend to acquire a bike in the near future.

You leave your body hair alone*, bathe on special occasions, drink at least once a day, have your own money (or somehow do without) and therefore don't expect me to buy shit for you all the time, don't steal anything from anywhere, rarely lie, and enjoy at least some of the following activities: doing unspeakably abominable things with gooey condiments/mud/baby oil/desserts, playing chess and other strategic boardgames, going on long walks (and bike rides) through the city, debating matters great and small in a quasi-pseudo-philosophical fashion, watching movies, eating food, blowing bubbles, drinking beer (especially Flemish sour ales), onanism, fornication, playing air hockey, blowing bubbles, taking photographs, loitering in libraries/bookstores/the magazine aisle at Safeway, flatulating stinkily, lamenting the decline of the English language, making fun of crackheads, watching movies, making fun of hippies, gazing at pornography, making fun of hipsters, and unleashing hundred-decibel belches.

You get bonus points for introducing me to new or "new" music/books/movies/boardgames (I feel like I ought to make up for all those years I spent with my head in the sand), taking me to parts of the city I've never seen before, possessing and making use of artistic/musical/literary skills, possessing a healthy appreciation for science (even if you're not a scientist), helping me practice my Spanish, and being slightly overweight but in good overall physical condition (think "belly dancer"). If you know how to make several delicious soups and/or baked goods, and if you're great at bicycle maintenance, you just might earn my undying allegiance.

Are you really good at maintaining and/or upgrading computers, and can you field-strip a MacBook whilst blindfolded and hanging upside-down? If so, you might be my new best friend.

Pegging . . . have you heard of it? If so, have you tried it? If you've tried it, did you like it? You get bonus points for answering all three questions in the affirmative.

Basically, if you're an eccentric (but not insane) tomboy with a brain that works fairly well, and if you can keep pace with me when I walk or pedal, your chances with me are good. In that case, message me.

*Yeah, I know almost everyone shaves/waxes/plucks these days. It's alright if you do, too.