I had some friends write testimonials about what an upstanding citizen I am. This is what they wrote:
"Matt is always claiming he was in Vietnam. He's 26. There's no way he was in 'Nam. His dad wasn't even in 'Nam. Whenever he is in a forest, he claims it reminds him of the time he was in 'the war,' and proceeds to check for trip wire. He even went to a VFW meeting. He got thrown out. But, to be fair, he did it to a mason meeting too. The boy thinks that if he brings cookies he can pretty much go anywhere there's a meeting and they won't kick him out. Look out, Avon ladies. It's only a matter of time."
"He pistol whipped my kid, took him hostage, and used him as a human shield in a game of laser tag. LASER TAG! My son is nine years old."
"Matt is immune to every brand of mace available, including military grade used for crowd control. I'm not sure how he not only tested this, but obtained such high-grade material. I'm just certain it's not legal in any way. But he's proud of this to the point that it's how he answers his phone and starts any conversation. We met at a cemetery while I was mourning the loss of a loved one."
"I witnessed Matt do a lot of crazy things in middle school and high school. In middle school, there was a dance one day, and he wanted to ask the new girl to it. He waited until lunch that day to make his move. I saw him walk up to her, and he yelled, "WILL YOU GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME TONIGHT?!" She got this scared look on her face and just shook her head. I don't think he realized he was standing about fifty feet away from her. There was this time in high school when I saw Matt walking to lunch, and someone had dropped an open bag of peanut m&m's on the floor. Without hesitation, Matt picked up the bag and started eating the m&m's. One day, he found an open unattended container of parmesan cheese in the lunchroom, took it, and carried it around from class to class. There was one day in debate class when he asked this nerdy kid if he wanted to debate. The kid agreed, and Matt proceeded to dry hump him. It wouldn't have been quite so odd if he hadn't cuddled this kid for about five minutes afterward, not to mention the pepperoni roll that Matt pulled out of his pocket and tried to give to the kid. Seriously, how long was that thing in his pocket?!"
"I heard Matt say that he grew up in the Hamptons. I asked him if he wanted to go take a look at his childhood home, and he gave me a bewildered look. Then I asked him if he even knew where the Hamptons were. He asked what business it was of mine, and then implied that my mother was a prostitute!"
"My name is...well, my name isn't important. My story is: I had met Matt in Kroger. We got to talking, and I stupidy mentioned that I had a cat. He told me to bring the cat by, and we would have some fun. Very stupidly still, I brought the cat over to his house. He ran up to me, grabbed my cat, and disappeared into the back yard. I heard tape pealing. And my cat struggle a little. After about two minutes of a weird cranking sound, there was a loud thump, and then I saw my cat fly over my head at about 300 feet, and over 75 miles an hour, heading towards Dearborn Heights, some 4 or 5 miles away. To this day, I still can't find my cat. I don't even know if I WANT to find my cat. I don't even want ANOTHER cat. When I saw Matt in court a few weeks later, I asked him why he did it. He told me with a very serious look on his face that cats were purrrfect ammo for CAT a pults. Then he laughed. Because he thought his joke was funny. As he turned to walk away, I noticed that he had Catapolt Oil in his back pocket. How or Where you find that is beyond me, but he did. I cried that night. And every time I see a cat fly over head...I die a little inside."
"Matt's always talking about how he has lazy sperm. Man, I still can't figure that one out. I mean the other day we were just talking about the economy. Well, he got real quiet, looked me dead in the eye and started talking about his alleged slow swimmers. And the creepy thing is, after he made this remark, he maintained eye contact with me for about two minutes. Two solid minutes of intense eye contact. Creepy. He also believes it's his destiny to one day kill his father...but never really indicates a reason for this. All he says is, "He knows why..." I mean, I've met his parents, they're great people. I don't get why he is the way he is."
"Sometimes, I honestly can't tell if Matt is a really deep thinker or if he just spouts out trivial information to avoid awkward conversations. A while ago, I was talking to him about relationship troubles. When I asked for his opinion, he suddenly became real stoic and muttered, "Seems to me there's a storm comin'." Then he stood up and quietly left (which was odd because we were at his house). Still, his words stuck with me, because that night me and my boyfriend broke up after a huge fight...but then there was a terrible storm that caused a black-out."
"It takes a lot of guts to do some of the things that Matt does. Like the time he robbed that Fifth Third bank. He didn't do anything crazy, in fact the robbery went pretty smooth. He even got a number from one of his hostages who swore it totally wasn't from Stockholm Syndrome. But I digress. As he was casually walking to the get away van [all the while whistling 'We're in the money'], he realized he forgot something, and proceeded to walk back into the bank to break a few dollars for change so he could do laundry that night."
"One thing I appreciate about Matt is his total honesty. It's refreshing. I mean, I've dated guys that claim to be something that they're really not. But I was quite charmed by Matt's stories of how he started a fight club with grizzly bears (though he was breaking the organization's first rule by bringing it up), or how he couldn't pay for dinner because he gave all of his money to a homeless family just before arriving at the restaurant, or the time he drank sixteen Dr. Peppers just before meeting the President of the United States and announced that he had to pee. Matt ended up leaving our date early, but I can't wait to see him when comes back from training Afghani guerilla fighters with the CIA and Army Special Forces!"
Well, my name is Matt
I'm an INTJ
I'm excessively uncool, and I almost constantly say the wrong things.
I like to do typical things that typical people like to do...typically.
I wish some people called me the gangster of love...or, at the very least, Maurice.
Honestly, I really want somebody to laugh with...