Parental Guidance Strongly Suggested for those with an IQ under 70
It's a sad sign for humanity and strong test of my humility when a profile this brilliant has to work so hard for a reply from the few 8 or better's that grace this site. And even worse, when it fails to attract the several hundred or so Fatty Patty's or Undateable Debbie's that are constantly online...
(Sadly, there is a good chance I more then likely will be poking fun of you if I do take time to write (90% chance I'm thinking based on the level of stupidity and depravity I see on here. Which I need to add, I LIKE! Since it makes it interesting and me feel better about where I stand in life) When I do try your best not to justify it by thinking I am overweight and lonely, need something to do, hate life, need a hobby (maybe that's true), am jealous, or whatever you want to come back with to try and justify why it happened. I mean, I am not bitter, and perhaps you aren't as retarded as you appeared, just that's how it looks here when you describe yourself. The kind giving nature of mine is trying to help you see it is all, as someone probably should have pointed it out sooner. But there probably already is more then enough false positivity in your life, just needs a little balance is all... The nice thing is on here is: it's all so anonymous that no one else hears, see's, comments, etc. so we can think of what I do as more of an anonymous public service...) Besides if you choose not to respond to any of this constructive criticism it only makes you stronger, remember that girl...
For those who are the shit and I bow before, appreciate the complement as you are in the top 10%, deserve to be noticed, and worshipped as the Goddess you are...)
By the way I love all the American Apparel ads they show me on this website... They're making me believe you women love women in porn more than teenage men Go check out their tumbler page sometime... Most of those women in the ads are probably raised I am thinking by the same single mothers who litter these online dating sites. Who knows, maybe they had an abusive online dating father...
REMEMBER: I deal with a lot of stupid people on this thing which is sad. So that's why I pontificate like I do. So for those of you who actually might be attractive... It helps to create a more realistic fantasy (yes, that is oxymoronic, but until you meet us 'fine cybermales' in real life it's all a big freaking fantasy anyway) about the guy that's messaging on here. So pay attention only to this paragraph and skip the rest. It will read more like those profiles you are familiar with and is about as spot on a description of me: I am an outgoing guy who loves to spend time helping others, works hard each and every day and gives back more then I receive, well grounded socially and morally. I work out and expect a woman who is fitness minded though not a freak as those women are scary. I am good with money and look for the same. I own my own place which is bigger then 5 of most peoples places (true Story and its so big it actually sucks to heat... So am I being a braggart, of course I am silly, even if size doesn't matter) yet I also rent so I'm fine with you having either. Though, I do like a girl that isn't too tied down or so independent that she listens to Ne-Yo all day long. (If you have any rhythm that will make sense to you) I tend to enjoy conversations based on sarcastic dialog if you haven't noticed and of a comical nature, meaning you can be a bitch, so long as you back it up with substance and show some love every now and again. At the same time I know when to be serious, hence why I hold a professional job. Most of all I want someone who wants me, and appreciates being with someone they can trust... I mean look at this profile "Me Bullshit?" Now read on if a little more online dating 101 reality is what you need because just talking about the good things in life all the time, is well... boring...
As you read this novel/profile you may notice a few things happening:
1.) You are LoL'ing at times even though you might not want too (you will...)
2.) You are agreeing with a lot of what I say (though you would never admit it as you believe you are as sweet and non judgemental as that profile you wrote makes you out to be...)
3.) Realizing by the end that this guy is probably a lot better then the other guy I"m messaging on here for any number of reasons even if you think I'm a real Dick (and I probably just did a lot nicer things for people this week then most have for the whole year), though you're right I'm not really trying to make you feel special like the other messages you got. (But I slip and flatter from time to time)
4.) Start reflecting on your own thoughts & beliefs wondering why you can't express them more effectively like this genius. (I do write well, so why do I use this power sometimes for criticism? If i did with you, don't take it personal, just realize you probably deserved it...)
5.) Starting to think if it was a good idea really to go on that last date with the guy who lives in his Grandmothers basement because we both love puppies and are really really easy to get along with... (I'm sure your exe would have put that in your profile about you too right... Let someone else be the judge of hoe 'easy' you are)
6.) Hoping that I won't actually read your profile & criticize (don't worry about this one if you are cute, I can be phony just like the last guy who messaged you cutie ;) and hell, who reads hot girls profiles anyway
7.) Realizing that I "need" your acceptance, if you really are as desirable in life as 100+ horny dorks on here and other dating sites make you believe. So make me feel special too (Share!), pretty please!
So you still with me... You are? Well you are awesome for 1 and for 2 read on and enjoy. (Feel free to take breaks and come back if you like as I know it is long) And take a chance to get to know me and how I really feel by perusing my Question Answered section.... ;;;)
Online dating... Is that what this free site's really for? I started reading and began to think its the medication sad lonely people sitting at home on weekends take, who are feeling they really were better than that last guy/gal they dated. (Shit, here I am on a weekend updating this damn thing and talking down your exe...). Or, perhaps it's for those just looking to garner hordes of attention that lots of makeup and a good angle can bring. Be honest, I am onto something here aren't I...? Well, regardless I enjoy all types even if I really don't like you. Besides, if you can't read and comprehend, then my mind is most likely more then you can handle.
So put down those Twinkie's (Wait! save them if they are originals, since they are collectors items now) and read on... Even though, I know a little male ego here has already scared off half of you online romantics. Most wanting to believe what they read (which could this really be how I am??? hummm...) But isn't this already reading so much more truthful then the stereotypical sweet nothings in the form of textual regurgitated garbage you just read on the profile before I messaged? You know, that BS that really just amounts to the way that person "perceives" themselves to be... Reading as if they thought they were being asked to cast themselves as the lead roll in a movie: But you're online, they're online, we're all online! And we really should know better shouldn't we?
Besides, if you are that fool, or perhaps you are just really attractive in your best picture profile pic, as I really am a sucker for a good looking woman (what man isn't) who gets one of my interesting messages, then views me because you are like "Oh wow, I just got a message from what looks to be a man in this little pic... I better check his profile, because "damn he can form complete sentences and is funny," (wait maybe you think I'm an ass, but we'll assume you clicked because you want to know why) regardless, you'll eventually figure after reading this (assuming your intellectual enough to stay with me) "I'm too scared to write back because he's not really all that sexy I guess (regardless of what picture I put up there), and now that I see he isn't warm, fuzzy and cuddly like I dream about when I log on. You may wisely feel I'm way wittier then you if you try to say something witty or insulting in return..." Then, no worries. :) It's all good, as I'm sure Prince Charming is another mouse click away if you are patient or need an out. There is always someone to tell you what you want to hear, especially if you're lonely, gullible, typical, or horny. Whatever your story is, but he really should sound a lot more boring after all this...
Now, I'm not all negative, as I seriously love this site, it's true. And not just because I'm most likely a lot smarter than you. ;) Just wanted to rhyme there, and throw on some more of that cock charm I know you girls love... Just please don't read into it, as hell you could be Mensa material... (if so message me please) But then again, I probably would not have written you would I have if it was just that :/ (Have you seen an attractive Mensa woman? Do you think they exist?? I mean Jodie Foster was, but she's more like a boy isn't she??? Crap I'm digressing) Seriously though, one becomes addicted to these things if you stare too long. And I probably burned out my retinas months ago looking at some of the pathetic profiles.
What I love though, is that Cupid likes to give one ugly looking people. That is... if you are unattractive in your pic or hence I guess "ugly yourself". Now I would never actually admit to being ugly, hell I'm Italian "ehhhhh," but look at that pic.Well needless to say that what they give me... ain't pretty. Damn karma mixed with computer algorithms...
How do I know this? Because I am a Devildamn genius that's why... So, I see how hard it is for my uglier male friends in life, here we thought you valued things other then looks... Dammit! Isn't that what your profile says? It says your to you are honest, easy to get along with too come to think of it... I think we are being deceived. I mean look at me, I have nothing to hide, and hell I am actually funny. Where's my 5 stars? And to top it off I had to message you... What are we to believe these days if women can't even be honest to themselves an others in online profiles...? I am calling MTV's Catfish!
So really now, why would I subject myself to this abuse? Because I'm A SCIENTIST silly, of course!!! I do this sorta as a "let's see how shallow people really are" (and maybe surprisingly not as much as I expected per say, but still for the most part yes...) Now I'll admit, it's probably due to the shear number of responses you women get from most losers, who knows? But also the matches that Cupid's giving me now are fatter, uglier, less attractive then anything I have or would ever need to date. And the catch 22... The women who I actually would date, because they appear attractive and not living off government assistance with their 4th kid are less inclined to write back due to this sort of ranting. Ain't online life a bitch...
At the end of the day, isn't it so completely about the number of stars you've been rated, or how much those hormones are flowing when you view this thing that it makes you want to react. More importantly, you should probably just stop reading if you made it this far, as everything else in this profile is most likely pretty much pointless as my guess I'm averaging a half star or so.
Now, getting back to some sense of reality, if that's even possible in this medium. I'm not saying I'm writing "quiver" people or every single mentally challenged individual I come across. So if I do message hopefully it's because you were attractive, dare I say funny, slipped through the cracks, and/or perhaps saw you answered some question brilliantly on the home page. But, I don't really write women all that much on this site come to think of it... Unless mainly for enjoyment, sure there's the occasional "I'd actually buy that girl dinner if she can stomach this profile, sad pics, and is brave enough" kinda hot girl that I see on here. But most I notice from the profiles are brain dead, boring, or just obviously not seeing the same person that everyone else see's :/
And see we will... as this internet dominated world has caused us to be "observers" of others lives. Since so many people really want to share (usually more then they need too), and they think that people actually care. Now, "I CARE," I can honestly say I do, "I care..." But it's probably only if one of two variables are met... You are extremely attractive and would make "ME" look better then just 'me', or your are a complete wreak and you just might need someone there with a good head on his shoulders to point it out... So don't say no one is there for you baby! I'm a scientist remember... Awweee, I guess we can also add a third verible, which is you realize you are awesome like me and we can both just talk about all the "awesomeness"that abounds.
So by now if you are asking yourself "Why would I..." it's a good thing... Because isn't it pretty obvious already? I'm amazingly intelligent, super funny, and not even all that bad in ugly pics... Duh! Lol