It would be a shame to base your opinion of someone on something like this, yet the cold, heartless reality of Internet dating leaves us few options. Rest assured that I'm a normal, well-adjusted fellow who now finds himself in the unenviable position of turning to the Internet to find someone. But, well, since you have too, I think we can let that one slide.

I have a background in the Visual Arts, so on paper you could consider me to be artistic and creative if that floats your boat. Oh, and I'm also funny and attractive and stuff. Honest.

And, ladies, please, no nude photos. Haven't we all had enough? In addition to this, stop messaging me with your phone numbers and offers for sex. This is really getting embarrassing for at least one of us.

Running a telemarketing scheme out of a fake flower shop.

- My uncanny resemblance to the late Jack Paar
- My vintage codpiece
- General all-around good looks

Not that I would expect you to read this far, but if you do:
Books: The African Safari Papers; 1984; The Onion: Our Dumb Century; The Difference Engine; Guns, Germs and Steel; Fifth Business; The Manticore; the last tenth of World of Wonders

Movies: Who Framed Roger Rabbit, The Music Man, Vertigo, The Incredibles, School of Rock, Guys and Dolls, Godfather II, There Will Be Blood, various Bonds, Billy and the Cloneasaurus

Music: Old stuff. Stuff you wouldn't know or like, such as, Astrud Gilberto, Bernard Herrmann, Bert Kaempfert, Chet Atkins, Dusty Springfield, David Arnold, John Barry, Cannonball Adderley, Count Basie, Dean Martin, Percy Faith, Esquivel!, Frank Sinatra, Goldfrapp, Henry Mancini, Jackie Gleason, Lawrence Welk, Les Baxter, Mantovani, Michael Giacchino, Ray Conniff, Shostakovich, Stan Getz, Antonio Carlos Jobim, Hugo Montenegro, Walter Wanderley, Wes Montgomery, Zoot Sims, Billy Vaughn

- Oxygen/Nitrogen atmosphere
- Liquid water
- Food
- Shelter of some kind
- Protection against disease
- The act of lovemaking

- Robot Hitler, from Wolfenstein.
- Time traveling
- Regular traveling
- Horse breeding
- The Teapot Dome scandal
- The short-lived presidency of William Henry Harrison

Under court-mandated lockdown

I smuggled pandas out of China in exchange for opium, which was sold to Indonesian school children.

If you made it down here and are interested? I dunno.