I'm America's number one Bell Biv DeVoe fan. Oh wait, wrong site. (That was my attempt at the best possible opening line. Thus far, it has proven itself exceedingly robust. Is it true? Browse my cassingle collection and decide for yourself.) Well, now that I have your attention, I suppose I should tell you a little about myself. If I must. Also, please enjoy this while perusing my profile.
I'm a man of varied interests, equally comfortable discussing 90s pop music as I am theoretical physics. I try to live in the moment, but I'm a habitual daydreamer. I dream of composing a symphony, penning the pulpiest novel, and becoming a professional bobsledder. I desperately want a tiny house and wish people used the idioms "bee's knees" and "dollars to donuts" more often.
I'd also like to be Ron Swanson when I grow up (I do currently live in a cabin).
Please forgive my rambling rhetoric, internet peoples. I'm easily distracted.
Update: I recently broke my foot so I'm mostly just watching Netflix and learning Vietnamese. Wanna help?
Presently, I can't stop dancing to this http://youtu.be/DFH1BBdxGjw (arguably my favorite surf pop song about menstruation)
and this http://youtu.be/XDBJVgIVPcs
this too http://youtu.be/N9XKLqGqwLA
I'm seriously considering purchasing a Star Trek uniform. Thoughts?
I'm also working on a screenplay, tentatively titled "Police Dogs." It's about dogs that are cops, obviously. Oscar, please. (The sequel, Dog Christmas, is also in the works.)
Otherwise, I work at Opal Creek Ancient Forest Center as an environmental education instructor. I even get my own cabin! Before that I worked at Portland Fruit Tree Project.
Someday I'd like to be an apiarist, i.e., a beekeeper, despite being deathly afraid of being stung. My interest is purely sartorial.
Update: I have a new plan, open Portland's, and possibly America's, first insect on a stick food cart. Patent pending, so please don't steal this guaranteed moneymaker.
Second update: I am now considering a bug bakery.
Puncturing Capri Sun packs on the first try. Seriously, I should get paid to do it. Pay me, already.
I also do two impressions, Ross Perot and Ray Romano. Can I finish!? Okay, I do a pretty spot-on Yoda as well.
Movies: I have a film degree, so I obviously like movies, but I'm hardly a snob, as evidenced by the following list: Dr. Strangelove, Pootie Tang, Brazil, The Princess Bride, Sullivan's Travels, Willow, Jules et Jim, The Killing, Adventures in Babysitting (my middle name is Thor after all), Harvey, Big Trouble in Little China, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Air Bud: Golden Receiver (solely for the title, I've never actually seen it)
Shows: Sealab 2021, The Wire, Arrested Development, Breaking Bad, Parks and Recreation
Music: I like this and that. Okay, so maybe this as well. And this http://youtu.be/DFH1BBdxGjw (arguably the danciest song about menstruation ever)
For me, music is like comedy, nothing is off-limits. It's all about context (e.g. The Spice Girls). Some arbitrary categories:
Recently: Beyoncé's lil sis, Charli XCX, Grimes, Sky Ferreira, Kendrick Lamar, Frank Ocean, Vashti Bunyan, Kitty Pryde (rap game Taylor Swift), Ol' Dirty Bastard, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Bowie, Dylan, Sam Cooke, The Beach Boys, Skeeter Davis, etc.
Swedes Please: Air France, The Tough Alliance, JJ, The Embassy, The Radio Dept., Taken by Trees, Jens Lekman, Korallreven, Postiljonen, Niki and the Dove, Acid House Kings, Molly Nilsson, etc.
Exceedingly twee: The Field Mice, Belle & Sebastian, Allo Darlin', The Pastels, The Lucksmiths, Camera Obscura, The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, Brighter, Pipas,etc.
Food: It'll be much quicker if I simply list the few foods I don't like: mayonnaise, ranch dressing, sour cream (yeah, they're all basically condiments), pretty much any white sauce-like substance, save for alfredo, and that's about it. I especially enjoy exotic cuisine, the more unusual the better. I try to avoid industrially farmed or manufactured food, for both environmental and ethical reasons. If I could afford it, I would adopt a bioregional diet.
Comedians: Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Louis CK, Paul F. Tomkins, Eugene Mirman, Kristen Wiig, Tracy Morgan, Tod Barry, Tig Notaro, Nick Kroll, Kristen Schaal, Doug Benson, Patton Oswalt, and Zach Galifianakis, to name but a few.
Also, apparently, links, as this profile is now replete with them.
The fact that the color of my eyes, and all blue eyes, is purely structural and changes depending on the light.
Why would I spend my hard-earned truck driver money on an Earth House?
These questions. Want to answer them with me? http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/14/love-is-getting-answers-right-to-36-questions
If it's too soon to start saying "that's so 2015!"
Why overalls aren't more popular.
If archery shots are the new mustache pics.
How antiquated the notion of currency is.
What hotter than infinity means, because scientists apparently just created such a thing using negative temperatures.
How to live forever or die trying.
Unorthodox solutions for a sustainable society.
The nature of reality. Have you heard about the holographic principle? And no, it's not related to Tupac.
The comma splice.
I wish it was more socially acceptable for me to wear a bow in my hair. Not that that will stop me, I just wish it was more common.
I regularly talk to myself in a British accent. Often in public. It's quite terrible, I assure you.
I've never been to IKEA! Are the meatballs worth it?
I sometimes (read: most of the time) don't wash my colander and instead just rinse it off before putting it away. Shh... don't tell.
I'm almost ashamed to admit I've never seen a single episode of Law & Order. Though I'm considering starting just for the ominous "chung CHUNG" sound.
I like talking during sex. Not dirty talk. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. (Sadly, this isn't true (not yet at least), but is, in fact, paraphrased from Seinfeld.)
I may or may not have numerous "Tom Haverford" profiles. (Hint: my favorite movie is books.)
I rarely listen to NPR. Oh, the horror! I like being informed, just not by the radio. That's for my jams.
I've never used an emoticon. This is not private, but it is pertinent. (Edit: I used my first emoticon, a penguin, but I don't think that counts. Emojis don't count either, right? I've become mildly addicted to them lately.)
I'm afraid of ghostwriters.
If I delve any deeper my delicate sensibilities might be offended, as my Southern upbringing forbids me from answering such tawdry questions.
You dress like Veronica Sawyer.
You're interested in subconscious human attraction and its connection to the heterozygosity of our genes.
You realize that according to string theory there's likely at least one alternate universe where you've already messaged me. Physics!
You want to take ecstasy and go see Spaceballs (currently playing at Academy) and/or Riverdance (which I assume is always playing somewhere). Joke? Not a joke? You decide.
You want to knit a hat for my larger-than-average head.
You want to start a soapbox derby team.
You want to go to Sweden with me. Half-serious inquiries only please.
You'll laugh at my jokes. No exceptions. Every single one.
You want watch old Disney movies on my VCR.
You want to help me practice Vietnamese for my upcoming trip.
You want to watch Spice World. Surprisingly, I've never seen it!
You want to play melodica in my post-twee jazz pop band, Kissing Cousinzzz.
Your pajamas have a turtleneck.