I really want a spectacular woman. One that will complete me. Someone that I can go with, for long walks on the beach at my
vacation house. A girl that looks great in a bikini, inside Lola, my Lamborghini, with her top down. One that smells wonderful in the best French perfumes I give her, and looks miraculous in the designer gown I left on the bed at the Waldorf, her -todays present-. One that laughs and wants to cuddle after watching that same old romantic movie, one more time. ("50 first dates" I think! Or was it "50 Shades of something? I forget.)
Well, when you're finished reading all this useless crap I wrote to entertain you, get out of that cheese dip stained flannel housecoat, shave those pits, and put on some sexy duds. Don't forget the stretch jeans (better yet those recalled Lulu Lemon
Yoga pants) , and go to the supermarket and stand in the produce section with that lost look on your face (touching your hair a lot), until a guy asks, "Do you need some help sweetie?" (The Marilynn Technique). Don't speak! Just sigh in big relief when he comes close. (you will hear him as he walks up to you whispering softly "poor thing, bless her heart".)
I promise it will work a lot faster than the come and go's of messages, text and sexting that will never get you any closer to
cuddling,(girl talk for -Getting laid in front of a fire place?-).
Of course I could be wrong!
How about this Pick Up line somebody told me, "...did you fart? Cause you just blew me away!" (They said it worked well) Or this one, "I lost my number, can I have yours?" You think?
Today was a good day. I ventured into the scary outside world and did indeed meet several wonderful ladies. Surely, ladies I
could learn to appreciate deeply. Ladies that made my insides quiver and gyrate as I stood there and talked about the niceties
of life. (I couldn't help wonder if that was my inner caveman telling me to pull on the long hair and see if they wanted to go
with me, or it could be that chili-cheese dog I got at Sonic for breakfeast. I can never tell for sure.) Maybe I should have
asked for a phone number as a sign of interest. I wanted to, but I got sidetracked while I watched one of them run to her car
in high heels. (maybe she left the iron on at the house...) I guess there is always tomorrow, new blank page to scribble on.
I need to work on some witty lines. I will see if I can look up some on the web. Wish the girls would help me out with some
that they have heard and knocked their socks off. It's not easy coming up with the "good" "Ice breakers" I tell ya!
Sometimes I ask myself what am I doing here. Today I am writing from the heart. It is heavy with sorrow, as I ponder the
meaning of yet another failed search for my Guinevere. (Or is it Guinness? I forget in my confusion.) They all want to find a
guy that will be happy with being their "girlfren". I'm not there yet (soon though, as my testosterone levels drop and keep
getting this subliminal urge to try on some ruby red lipstick. I'm fighting it!) . I want to find me a cute youngsey lookin' thing that will talk softly, and why not, dirty too, to me and make me "believe" I'm the biggest thing to happen in her so innocent, fortyish and over life. ( a guy can dream can't he? It used to work when the girls were younger. --DamnTV--, it learned them all, and made them more streetsmarter!! Crap! - Marylynn I need you!!!!)
Whatever I'm good at, I have thought that searching on these sites for my one and only, Is not goning to be the highlight of my
achievements. Ohh, Romeo, Romeo, where did thou find her? Was it on another site? Or perhaps in the produce section at FoodLion? Was she wearing red? Was she using the "international Sign for Distress" Upper three button on her top undone. "on accident!" ? "finger in the mouth. Yep! Marylynn sign language again!. Was her red laced bra showing? was she stepping in a circle with a kiwi in her hand as in "I found this, and I don't know what to do with it. -Can I get some Help here!. Anybody?"
Some ask me what others notice first about me. I hate to say this, but they notice I may not be looking at their face as intensely as I should. Is that a bad thing? Did they not want this? Tis is not the reason for the push up bra and the 3 buttons thing? Or the jeans jeans so tight I can read her text messages in the back pocket. (can't a guy just want to be helpful and see if anyone called?)
I always figured, when they wanted me to look at their legs, they would wear a short skirt. If they want me to look at the back of their jeans, that's why they carry their cell phone shrink wrapped in the back pocket. Or, if they wanted me to look at their breastesses then they would let the red lace peek out from the top as the "twins" wave at me. (am I reading all this
So if you want a guy to look at your face, the rule should be, just grab his ears and pull them up, as you do a
coffee cup handle, and aim his eyes where you want them to be. Otherwise a guys eyes will wander all over your body, like a
bird on a limb looking for the worm. Guys can never, ever win. They hate you if you're lookin', and they hate you more, if
you don't. (Whaaaatda?) didn't you ever wonder why cars have so many beautiful, smooth and rounded and pointing outward
style features? Yes! That's why girls and cars are the most favorite thing guys can stare at for hours. In their mind, they picture what it would feel like to be inside. (...Ohh, come on! I meant inside the car!! -FOCUS here!!)
A few have asked what I read or movies I like. I'm too busy watching what Uncle Si does on Duck Dynasty on Friday night
(..for the educational dating content of course!) , to read any books. Besides, if I have to read something I want it to have
some pictures like this site, tight sweaters, and the ever sooo cool Google maps satellite view from above, bathroom "selfie".
(now, that's entertainment!) Just think in the last century and before, the only thing guys had was National Geographic "huts of the world".
Things I could never do without-
Pretty girls in tight clothes
Burgers and guns
...and Cake, (Good Cake!) But in a pinch Brownies are good too!
(Crap-Did I just say that out loud? )
Ok, here is my real list.
-Writings of love
-Long conversations looking into her eyes
-Cuddling in front of the fireplace (yes, I said it!)
-and I couldn't leave out the rare but necessary romantic movie on "Lifetime Channel".
I seem to spend some time thinking about all the stuff I just wrote up on top, and lots of other stuff, like why is there no choice for "Widower", only "Single", it's the same? The rest, you can ask me about later. Wonder what Romeo thought about when he first saw Juliette? (My guess would be the effects of textile engineering Vs the force of gravity, when you put a corset (mechanical pressure) on a voluptuous young maiden (subject of observation) and tighten the hell out of it until something pops out? (every action gets a reaction kinda thing.) Naaaaah, I don't think soooo! I'm
sure it was the color of her eyes as seen from two stories below in the middle of the night. Surely! (I am not a PIG you know! I just play one when I'm outside.)
Alone on a Friday night I am busy thinking of how nice it would feel to get my hands on a couple of, soft, tender, juicey, round, moist,
burgers. Of course!! Whatta ya think! It's always burgers. This site is nice, but I'm starting to think it's filled with guys (Really young ones! like really low double digit guys!) posting as girls getting a thrill out of "punking" somebody. How do you really know? Get everybody into sending a revealing picture holding today's newspaper?.
Just think about it when you get that "Dancing Pickle" Picture in your email. How many guys over 40 do you know that could hold a stiffie (kinda like Selfie but lower.) long enough to, -get the lights on, -look for and find the cell phone, -push all the buttons to get to the camera function, -let the darn thing take for ever to focus, and then, - hold it still (uhh, untouched, without shrinkage!) long enough for the camera to take the picture?? It has to be, a kid full of hormones! Why do you think the kids wear all those baggy pants!! (yeaaaaaah! -the mule needs some space to kick around in too! (...you're welcome!)
I'm willing to admit, that I am a guy, and that all guys are pigs? Did you ever wonder why this site shows pictures and advertisement of porn(ish) sites to the right and left of the profiles? As I write this work of prose,(and why not! enlightment!) I am "illuminated" by a beautiful young lady's flash picture wearing only a bra and panties taking my snapshot. (Caption that says, "You Must Be Willing to Service Ugly Girls at a Moments Notice".) Is that the "catch"? Heck yeaaah! Don't you know the rules! A guy is really picky up to 3 days after. When he's been in the desert for longer, his vision becomes distorted. You see, as the natural occurring fluids build up pressure, this affect the eyeballs, (hence the term "up to my eyeballs), as the pressure makes things blurry and bigger than they really appear. -There is always an explanation girls! It's a guy thing. You wouldn't understand.-
The same way we guys don't understand why "bigger is better" or why guys are attrated to things in pairs that could smother us, and the worst part we wouldn't care! -Who know why!- (if you do pleeeease share!) Now, what do you think our pressurised brain cavity is thinking (looking at) when you show your picture at church singing in choir? Or no picture at all. (well, the no picture at all, for sure only brings to mind, a flash back of that last time we walked into a dark room without turning on the light, and all we got was a table corner that kicked us right in the canister. Yep! Right in the "guy fun bags" (for the slow girls, think of what goes with "Hickory" ..-wait for it... ) Ok, I agree, there could be a one-in-a-million chance there is a cute young "Tinker Bell" outfit wearing "nympth" in that hole I just stuck my hand in. But up to now, it really hasn't worked out all that well. Now for the girl that says something religious as the first thing, (that means you gonna' drag us to church! If the kids come first, then We gonna be the baby sitters! etc and etc.
But, alas, "optimism" is the word~! And that is what we will have "Hope". I am an optimist! I figure that someday (hopefully while I still have fingers) I will poke at the hole and out will come my true love. She will know it, and I will see it. But be forewarned, guys are gun-shy. We are sure that most likely, It is more like the -Alligator Theorum-. similar to the Iceberg theory, (Noo! not the lettuce! for those in the produce section.) except for, the 95% you can't see, will bite you in the butt, cause it's really ugly, vicious,and has big teeth. (I'm shaking right now just thinking of it. I'm so vulnerable. I need a hug... anybody? Helloo?)
You probably wonder if you should message me. You should all message me! The worst I can do, is not answer or maybe say, "Good Luck On Your Search"! I won't bite. You never know, you may be the "one". (to bite). Yes, tell me if you think I am any closer to getting a date here!! I take criticism, (not very well, but I do take it!)
If you are still wondering if you should message me (after reading all this massive "essay", as in "bigger is better!"), Heck
yeeahh! You should all message me! It's probably not your finest moment. But, remember, you did much worse at the bar, that one time (or two) when after the "three day in the desert" thing, you went up to that guy (you was wearing your "beer goggles") and while you grabbed his butt, and, you said, "Hey Big Boy, are you allergic to peanut butter?" and he said "Nooo Maam!", and you replied "WANNA' be?". ...You still got that stain on your couch, you keep tellin' the visitors "it was the dog!" and you smile big every time!
I can take it! Sorta'! (of course, you could use that "super secret" password that tells the guys that you are open and wanton for a first meeting. "Tadaaaa!" (No, that not it, that was the drumroll!)
The "super Secret" password is... "You have a really nice smile". Or anything that has the words, "Big Boy" in it! (try it! Even if he doesn't have a picture up. (Hey! What the heck! It's not any worse than when you showed your panties to little Freddy in the second grade (yeap! your first "Breach of Contract"!), and instead of him, showing you his, he told the teacher! AND then you got your butt spanked at home. (sometimes you still do! ... it don't hurt, much!)
Now, If you just want a "girlfriend", a "pen pal", or someone to endlessly chat with you, past 5 or ten messages, cause you're
too chicken to give the sign (BIG sign!) or too yeller' to post or send a picture, or too scared to talk on the phone or meet for coffee and see what happens, then, probably you should stay home, braiding your armpits (nothing wrong with that! There's lot's of girls that do that here!), in you flannel jammies, eating your Doritos and cheese dip, watching Oprah interview some book author and watching reality TV.
Was today a good day for you?
...And then, What do I know? I'm a "pig" and just Guy that can't tell the difference between a "Real" Blonde and a camouflaged Brunette with Blonde hair. (Unless she is holding a Kiwi in her hand.)