I'm a modern man. I'm a modern man. I'm a modern man. I'm a modern man.

I'm a modern man, A man for the millennium, Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist, Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded. I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing. I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high tech lowlife. A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker, And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new wave but I'm old school, And my inner child is outward bound.

I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer, Voice activated and biodegradable.

I interface from a database, And my database is in cyberspace, So I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, And from time-to-time, I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, Ahead of the curve, Riding the wave, Dodging a bullet, Pushing the envelope.

I'm on point, On task, On message, And off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment, On the edge, Over the top, But under the radar.

A high concept, Low profile, Medium range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working ragaholic. Out of rehab, And in denial.

I got a personal trainer, A personal shopper, A personal assistant, And a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up, You can't dumb me down. 'Cause I'm tireless, And I'm wireless. I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever. Laid back but fashion forward.

Up front, Down home, Low rent, High maintenance.

Super size, Long lasting, High definition, Fast acting, Oven ready, And built to last.

I'm a hands on, Foot loose, Knee jerk, Head case.

Prematurely post traumatic, And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing. A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.

My output is down, But my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I'm gender specific, Capital intensive, User friendly, And lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the f word in my email, And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a mini van in a mega store. I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll free, Bite sized, Ready to wear, And I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, Factory authorized, Hospital tested, Clinically proven, Scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed, Pre-cooked, Pre-heated, Pre-screened, Pre-approved, Pre-packaged, Post-dated, Freeze-dried, Double-wrapped, Vacuum-packed, And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, But I'm the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin', Sailin' and spinnin', Jivin' and groovin', Wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, So I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal, And the rubber on the road.

I party hearty, And lunch time is crunch time.

I'm hanging in, There ain't no doubt. And I'm hanging tough, Over and out.

Emergency Medical Technician.

Tattoo Artist.

Writer.

Blacksmith.

Cook.

Mechanic.

Deconstructionist.

Conspiracy theorist.

Side show.

Martial artist.

Scadian.

Anarchist.

Jackass of all trades.

Shocking people. In the literal sense of the term.

Threading needles.

Cooking.

I can't tell you that, but I can tell you what I've noticed people noticing...

It's usually the height thing or the tattoos (I have 5)

Book: Phalaniuk, horror, thriller, etc

Movies: Zombies.

Music: Abigor, AFI, Agalloch, Alestorm, Alice Cooper, Alient Ant Farm, Amon Amarth, Angel Dust, Angelspit, Anthrax, Anti-Flag, Apocalyptica, Arcturus, Atreyu, Austrian Death Machine, Ayreon, Bare Naked Ladies, Believer, The Bengals, Billy Idol, Billy Joel, Biohazard, The Birthday Massacre, Black Flag, The Black Ghosts, Blind Guardian, Blink-182, The Bloodhound Gang, Blue Oyster Cult, Bob Marley, Breaking Benjamin, Buckethead, Caustic Christ, Celldweller, Chevelle, Coheed and Cambria, Cold, Combichrist, Conquest, Creed, Current 93, Das Ich, Deadlock, Deadstar Assembly, Death Stars, Deathspell Omega, Demon Hunter, Disturbed, Don McLean, Dope, Dope Stars Inc, Dragonforce, The Dresden Dolls, Dschinghis Khan, Eisbrecher, Emilie Autumn, Eminem, Empire of the Sun, Enya, EOTO, Equilibrium, Evergreen Terrace, Fairyland, Faith No More, Fall Out Boy, Five Finger Death Punch, Flogging Molly, Flowbots, The Fray, Freedom Call, Gamma Ray, Gary Jules, Godsmack, Gojira, Gorillaz, Greenday, Guns n' Roses, Gwar, Hanzel und Gretyl, HIM, Holyhell, Hoobastank, The Human Adults, Iron Butterfly, Iron Maiden, Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy Eat World, Johnny Cash, Johnny Mandell, Judy Garland, Kamelot, Kansas, Kidney Thieves, The Killers, Killswitch Engage, The Kinks, Kittie, Korn, Lacuna Coil, Laibach, Legion of the Damned, Linkin Park, Manowar, Marilyn Manson, Metallica, Michael Jackson, Misfits, Miss May I, Motley Crue, Mudvayne, Mushroomhead, My Chemical Romance, Necrophagist, Nightwish, O-ZONE, Obituary, The Offspring, The Oi-Scouts, Oomph!, Orgy, Ozzy Osbourne, Pagan's Mind, Panic! At the Disco, Pantera, Papa Roach, A Perfect Circle, Pestilence, Phobia, POD, Poison, Puscifer, Queen, Queens of the Stone Age, Rammstein, The Ramones, Rhapsody of Fire, Rob Zombie, Rockwell, Royal Hunt, Rush, Rusko, Seether, Shinedown, Silbermond, Skid Row, Slipknot, Soilwork, Sonata Antarctica, Stabbing Westward, Stahlhammer, Staind, Stone Sour, Styx, Sugarcult, The Sweet, Switchfoot, System of a Down, t.A.T.u., Three Days Grace, Three Doors Down, Tiamat, Tool, Toxik, Trapt, Twisted Sister, The Union Underground, The Velvet Underground, Voltaire, Warbringer, Waylander, Weird Al, Whiplash, White Zombie, Within Temptation, Zeromancer, 3 Inches of Blood.

1. Music

2. Books

3. Verbal or written communication

4. PBA cards (Ok... so I'm not exactly the most speed-conscious driver)

5. Coffee

6. The occasional breaking of "bulk trash" (Ie. televisions, refrigerator, microwaves, etc.

Zombies.

Is it socially acceptable to punch teenagers in the back of the head for either A. dressing like an idiot or B. talking like an idiot

Some times, as the microwave is counting down and I just happen to pop into the room when it's coming down to 10 seconds, I'll run in slow motion like in some movie and I have to diffuse the bomb.

Yeah. Not really. Sorry, guys.