I take pause when a woman opens up and describes herself as "loyal". When I hear that sentiment I cant help but focus on the beauty, gravity and implication of such an offering.

Women (and I am referring to real women who are emotionally strong, highly intelligent, self aware, passionate and sensitive) are my true love. As a result, I'm actually quite innocent around them--almost like a virgin.

(Here is the seque that will confuse you)

Speaking of virgins, I'mff am the reason why Madonna had to abruptly end her "Like A Virgin" tour and to forgo wearing white at all of her weddings. And yes, that claim pre-dates her marriage to Sean Penn.

So if you are too young to know about Madonna's Virgin tour or marriage to Sean Penn (hey, I'll date young) then just know that Christine Agueliera had no clue about how to hit a C over a high E until she met me...in the bedroom. But that's another story. And if you are so young that you only know who Lady Gaga is (and/or don't have a clue about how to relax your gag reflexes) then lose my email because I don't date THAT young.

So besides that, I am just 100% pure unadulterated man who is a shrewd lewd dude who enjoys a bit of the crude but without the rude.

But in case you were lured here because you saw the name "Hornblower" and were thinking I was related to the Vanderbilts, I am sorry to burst your bubble as I am referring to Adam Yauch from the Beastie Boys. Still, no shame in my game cause I, too, have got the skills to pay the bills.

"I represent what's stupid and immature. You be like Yeah Adam real mature." Thats why I'm a ham on cheeae on rye, all this cheese will make me cry. Gorgazola, Provonone....,"

And yes, if I had a family crest, it would state "Once a Beastie Boy but always a Beastie."

I have taken to prayer. Every day, I pray that Belladonna, the porn star, will divorce her husband....yeah, that's right, she's married. As the Jewish grandmother I never had used to say "Oy Vehhhh!"

I'm also trying to follow my two New Year's resolutions which are 1) to stop being so goddamn handsome and 2) to be a lot more modest. I'll let you be the judge of how I am progressing with those goals. If you say I'm handsome and also a handful, then you probably get my vibe and we should get along.

Pleasing women. For instance, I'm very good at being on top...of the news.

I also LOVE to get down and dirty...when I vaccum under my couch.

I'm also really good at getting women hot...when I turn up the heat in my apartment.

I'm also really good at being chivalrous, helping old ladies across the street, showering females with attention, being a great listener and taking gaggles of ladies to the latest greatest restaurants. And finally, on the rarest of rare occasions, I'm also "ok" with being sarcastic.

is I'm actually a lot more serious about life, love and relationships than most people expect me to be...once they sign a pre-nup.

After that, they focus on my uncircumsized smeckle because I like to walk around in the nude (bet you didn't think of the word nude when I was trying to rhyme words with lewd, dude, crude etc).

Favorite book: Women are from Venus, Men are from Your Anus
Favorite movie: The Sisterhood of Traveling Pantyhose
Favorite Magazine: Cooking Light in a Meth Lab
Shows: Annie Sprinkle Live
Music: 70s porno music, duh (is this a real question?)
Food: chocolate, oysters, Spanish Fly and other aphrodisiacs

I can actually do without a lot of things material items. What I refuse to do without is settling on a life partner who cant laugh with me. Almost everything else is ancillary.

So, on that note, what I could never do with is/are:

1)selfish people who think compassion is spelled with a u and is a compound word.
2)people who marry for the sole reason of having kids
3)a future date with a future wife in divorce court (where is the future in that?)
4) people who fail to see point 1 plus point 2 leads to point 3
5) a lover who thinks swallow is just a bird and deepthroat is just a character in All the President's Men
6) people who don't understand comedy is nature's way of making the uncomfortable comfortable

That legumes are sexy because:
Legume= Leg+U+Me

That a relationship is the product of what two people put into it.

That the most unattractive word to hear from a promising date is the word "no". That word defeats the attempt for an open and honest connection.

trying to imbibe a three letter word that starts with an "a" and in crossword puzzle cirlces is referred to as "beer's cousin".

The answer is "ale".

In my heart lies an optimist, in my tax returns lies a minimalist.

Anyone who serves a Ceasar salad followed by a vol-au-vent doesn't have a clue to what they are doing in the kitchen.

you believe from small acorns grow mighty oaks (hey, I need to grow it in order to show it), you aspire to be the Kielbasa Queen, you got past your initial reaction that I'm the south end of a horse facing north and you kept reading and/or you realized that my profile is better than the last guy's . (BTW, I know that dude and while I have nothing against him personally, rumor has it he has crabs. Of course, you didn't hear it from me so don't hate the player just hate the game.)

But seriously, if you want to write, write. I'm an open, self aware guy so the Wink and Quiver stuff just seems silly to me. Of course, I would rather just walk up to someone, drop a humor bomb, and introduce myself. Nevertheless, I accept the fact that we are all limited to who we meet by our daily routines and responsibilities. Thus, if you put some thought into a note, I will treat it with respect and write back accordingly...or send you a photo of my rooster!