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New_Tool_SN

28 F Odenton, MD

My Details

Last Online
Jul 6
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Jacked
Diet
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Religion
Atheism, and laughing about it
Sign
Leo, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Graduated from university
Job
Sales / Marketing
Income
$50,000–$60,000
Relationship Status
Married
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Pets
Likes dogs and dislikes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Czech (Poorly), Spanish (Poorly), Sign Language (Poorly), Latin (Okay)

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My self-summary

Let's be friends!

Just. friends.



I'm the coolest person you'll probably never meet. Which is definitely more cool than the coolest person you'll ever meet. Think about it, you'll know I'm statistically correct.

In reality, I'm just here for the booze.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm thinking about going into the popsicle stick joke business. I'm pretty great at it. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but rest-assured, you'll probably hear something popsicle-stick-y. Ooo, sticky.

More seriously, I've found myself in a job that has the potential to be a career. Not sure how I feel about that, but the money's good.
I’m really good at
...making people laugh. I know a lot of people say that, and then they turn out to be only mildly funny, but I'm not lying - I swear! Ask anyone! I try to kill people with laughter. And knives.

I'm also GREAT at reciting movie quotes, but in such a way that they're 3 times removed from the actual movie. I'm usually really excited when people have any idea what the hell I'm talking about. If they don't know what the hell I'm talking about, I usually say "Well, I'm just going to have to make you watch this movie." And then I do.

I'm fantastic at turning people into pinko commie liberals.

Oh, I should just mention - I'm completely awesome, and can probably achieve an expert level of skill in anything in a fraction of the time it would take the vast majority of people. I'm not cocky or exaggerating, I'm honestly just THAT good.
The first things people usually notice about me
Whatever weird accent I happen to have affected at the time.

I have what I affectionately call "Chronic Eeyore Face". This is similar to "Chronic Bitch Face", but instead of looking angry, I just look thoroughly unimpressed.

Beefy arms.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Anything by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Neil Gaiman,Thomas Pynchon or Jane Austen. A lot of postmodern works. I'm a big fan of the ASOIAF series by George R. R. Martin. I read a lot of non-fiction books about random people, places or events, especially politics. I like children's books, especially by Jon Scieszka. I'm a bibliophile, and I have way too many books for my own good (if there is such a thing). I dig a lot of the classics.

Movies: A few of my favorite movies are: Tangled, The Princess Bride, Center Stage, Hot Fuzz, Boondock Saints, F*ck, Say Anything, Pretty in Pink, Goodbye, Lenin!, The Orphanage, Edward Scissorhands and Labyrinth

Music: A brief sampling of a few of my favorite musicians are: Tool, Swallow the Sun, Da Vinci's Notebook, The Birthday Massacre, Mr. Bungle, STYX, Garth Brooks, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Pig Destroyer, The Cranberries, Uz Jsme Doma, Jonathan Coulton, Trampled By Turtles, and Michael Buble. My favorite genres include: metal (death, doom, melodic death/doom, folk/viking, grindcore, power, goregrind, brutal death), progressive, hard rock, classic rock, jazz, country, indie, techno, blues, avant-garde punk, classic punk, grunge, classical, alternative, r&b, comedy, acapella, broadway musicals

Food: The really really really tasty kind. Also, the kinda tasty kind. I'm not terribly picky.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Farticles.

Who would win in a fight between Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar?

Where did I put my knitting needles?

When did 30 become the new 20? And what did 20 become at that point?

Why does being a Leo "on the cusp of Cancer" sound like a medical condition?
On a typical Friday night I am
Playing vidya games.

Spending my time with my husband, AnUpwardSpiral.
He wins.
At life.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm the King of Croatia.

I've got it bad for lumberjacks and/or vikings.
Flannel and/or horned helms are not required, but are encouraged.

I'm an unapologetic Dallas Cowboys fan living in Washington Redskins territory.
I’m looking for
  • Everybody
  • Ages 23–40
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends
You should message me if
You got this far (without skipping the rest, of course).

You enjoy jokes involving Jesus, your mom, your face, your mom's face, or bodily functions. Or Jesus performing bodily functions unto your mom's face.

You're not *too* overwhelmed by my sheer awesomeness.

You recognize that I don't want to fuck you. That position has already been filled. I am not accepting applications.

You don't fail at life.
If you have any doubts as to whether you fail at life or not, err on the side of caution and skip the message.

Edit: Wow that makes me sound like a big ol' "C U Next Tuesday".

I love it.