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29 Odenton, MD Woman, Cis Woman

Woman, Cis Woman

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I’m looking for

  • Men
  • Ages 26-39
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Yesterday – 2:03am
Open relationship
Relationship Type
Strictly non-monogamous
5' 10" (1.78m)
Body Type
A little extra
Atheism and laughing about it
Doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want them
English (Fluently), Czech (Somewhat), Spanish (Somewhat)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
In reality, I'm just here for the booze.

I've got an awesome husband, (AnUpwardSpiral) and he's not going anywhere. I'm not looking for "a bit on the side", and I'm not looking for cheaters.

I also have an awesome boyfriend, (prodigal_pun). My time is precious and limited, at this point. You may have to abide some spontaneity.

It's called ethical non-monogamy. Deal with it. Or don't. Who am I to tell you how to live your life? I'm just a stranger on the Internet.

Also, I continue to reinforce the non monogamous stereotype of being overweight. Though maybe that's just an American stereotype these days.

Important sexual information, because people seem confused. If you believe a frank discussion about sexual preferences is presumptuous or it makes you uncomfortable, then you should probably jog on:

I'm confirmed vanilla. This is who I am. Many people are vanilla because that is all they know or they are afraid of sex or kink. I'm sex positive and believe that there is nothing immoral or gross about what consenting adults choose to do to themselves or other consenting adults.

Do not confuse vanilla with boring.

Do not confuse vanilla with "missionary only, with the lights off".

All vanilla means is that props, power dynamics, playing a role, and intentional infliction of pain are not what do it for me.

If you believe that vanilla means I'm judging your kink, then you haven't been paying attention. All it means is that I won't be joining you on kink adventures - but will certainly encourage you to have those adventures with others!
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm thinking about going into the popsicle stick joke business. I'm pretty great at it. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but rest-assured, you'll probably hear something popsicle-stick-y. Ooo, sticky.

More seriously, I've found myself in a job that has morphed into an actual career. Not sure how I feel about that, but the money's good.

Also, as someone raised (though, not born) in Maryland, I'm probably spending a non-negligible amount of my time putting Old Bay on things.

And as someone born in Texas (with a Texas native for a mother, and 4 years of college in Houston under my belt), I'm probably spending a non-negligible amount of time hunting down decent BBQ in the area.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Sarcasm. If that's not your thing, then I don't know what to tell you.

Puns and portmanteaus. And punmanteaus.

Expressing myself clearly and effectively.

*Starting* knitting projects.

The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My height

Dat ass

I have what I affectionately call "Resting Eeyore Face". This is similar to "Resting Bitch Face", but instead of looking angry, I just look thoroughly unimpressed.

The septum piercing

Beefy arms
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: Anything by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Neil Gaiman, Thomas Pynchon, Terry Pratchett or Jane Austen. A lot of postmodern works. Huge fantasy fan, and I really love the ASOIAF series by George R. R. Martin and the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. I read a lot of non-fiction books about random people, places, events or concepts. I'm a bibliophile, and I have way too many books for my own good (if there is such a thing). I dig a lot of the classics.

Movies: A few of my favorite movies are: The Princess Bride, Center Stage, Hot Fuzz, Rear Window, Boondock Saints, Say Anything, Super Troopers and Labyrinth. Big fan of comic book based movies, too (no matter how terrible they are - I'm looking at you Fantastic Four!).

TV Shows: Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, Orphan Black, Last Week Tonight, The Daily Show, IT Crowd, Black Books, Psych, Downton Abbey, The West Wing, The Paradise, Call the Midwife, Scrubs, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Parks and Rec, Longmire, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Sherlock, Playing House, Broad City, Vikings

Music: A brief sampling of a few of my favorite musicians are: Tool, Swallow the Sun, Sabaton, Eluveitie, Say Anything, STYX, Garth Brooks, Stevie Ray Vaughan, The Cranberries, Uz Jsme Doma, Jonathan Coulton, Trampled By Turtles, Marmozets, Motion City Soundtrack, Panic! At the Disco, Sevendust, TaySwift, Ke$ha, P!nk and Michael Buble. My favorite genres include: metal (death, doom, melodic death/doom, folk/viking, grindcore, power, goregrind, brutal death), progressive, hard rock, classic rock, jazz, country, bluegrass, newgrass, indie rock, techno, blues, avant-garde punk, rockabilly, psychobilly, classic punk, pop punk, ska, pop, grunge, classical, alternative, r&b, comedy, acapella, broadway musicals

Food: Animals and animal products.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
In no particular order:
Scotchy Scotch Scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly,
Internet Memes (as a replacement for a real sense of humor),
My big toe(s),
Light Emitting Diodes,
and Parenthetical Statements
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Farticles. They're *everywhere*.

The large crossover between the Poly community and Kink community. I'm just a vanilla girl living in a kinky world, trying to find my place!

How do hipsters have the uncanny ability to describe the things they like in such a way that it automatically makes me want to hate those things?

The Washington football team could end all of the controversy by simply changing their mascot to a potato.

Why does being a Leo "on the cusp of Cancer" sound like a medical condition?

You can tell a lot about a person by what they desire when they're drunk. Me? I always wish I was petting a cute dog and making out with a cute boy.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?


Fantasizing about being out at a dance party.

A space unicorn.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm the King of Croatia.

I hesitate to message men who are shorter than I am because it makes me feel threatening, not because I don't think they're attractive/cool.

I've got it bad for lumberjacks and/or vikings.
Flannel and/or horned helms are not required, but are encouraged.

I want to touch your beard.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
At least one of these applies to you:

You enjoy jokes involving Jesus, your mom, your face, your mom's face, or bodily functions. Or Jesus performing bodily functions unto your mom's face.

You want to discuss a finer point of my profile, or you found a typo (how embarrassing).

You're poly or poly-friendly.

My being vanilla is not going to cause a problem for you, should a relationship go that route.

You have a nice face. I'm a sucker for a good face.

You have a nice beard. I'm a sucker for a good beard.

You're lit'rally Ron Swanson.