Howdy!

I am a father. I take enormous pride in that label. I mention it later but best up front - I consider myself non-monogamous and I have an amazing girlfriend ( Danielle3inabox ). We're both open to new people as time allows. It's been funny to watch the flood of male (and occasionally female) visitors to my profile since she linked to me. I know what y'all are thinking and, yeah, it's okay to be jealous.

So! On to less of a serious tone.

I've been told that a lot of PNW guys have emotions. That they're sensitive. They dress funny. Possibly they drink little polysyllabical coffee drinks in tiny cups while planning their next kayak trip down the slope of Mt. Rainier and other... outdoors....stuffs... I'm not from the PNW but, I have feelings. I know they're there. I'm empathetic. I know when you're mad and need to cry - the tears and snot and hiccuping stuttering jerking talking clues me in because I'm perceptive. And awesome. I'm just not from the PNW. I grew my beard to blend in after the first roving band of hipsters found me alone at night and beat me within an inch of my life. I took out 10 of them before it happened but I have kids so I need to stay alive for their sake.

I stay cheerful because if I start to brood, everything becomes dark and I put on my wizard hat and... no, my black clothes and dark makeup and then my coworker has to beat me out of it. She keeps a box knife and a screwdriver handy for that explicit purpose. So, I stay relentless optimistic because fixing cracked teeth is no fun. I HATE the dentist.

Where was I? Right! I'm not a PNW native. I like to hike and get out but I have kids so I'm not out every single freakin' days like a lot of these guys SAY they're doing. FYI, They're actually staying home and watching Extreme Hoarders instead. Men lie. True fact. I've seen it happen. Hiking from the kitchen to the couch, more like.

I do bike to work and back (16 miles!) when the weather allows because I like (bad) food and food likes me but I don't like having a chubby belly. Those are for puppies or kittens or babies. So, I bike. There's that. Well... I used to but now daycare schedules are all messed up so that's not happening. Now I'm picking up jogging on my lunch break at work to make up for it. I miss biking :(

What else? Read on brave ... reader... person... lady(????)...

Jesus, OKCupid. Get off my back. I know what I'm doing with my life!

Living it! (FYI, if you put that in your profile and I read it, I cringe. Every. Single. Time.)

But, seriously, raising fabulous awesome kids. And, despite everything I'm doing, they're turning out to be hilarious and amazing.

What else? I write. Erotica. Supernatural erotica. Also, fantasy and science fiction. You'd be surprised how hard it is to come up with original sex scene descriptions after writing so much about it. So, when I write something non-erotic, it's nice. I don't have to dig through my thesaurus for another word for "thrusting" or "bodice" or "heaving" or "vagina" or etc...

I write strong women because fuck Prince Charming and Republicans and misogynist pigs everywhere. The ladies I go for in real life are typically strong willed, intelligent and have amazing personalities. I mean, just look at my girlfriend. .... (come ooooooon boyfriend pooooiiiiiints!)

Wait, what's that anonymous reader person? Do I write gay or bisexual or gender fluid and other characters? Why, yes, yes I do. And every time, I worry whether I'm getting the dynamics right. But, I try. And I ask questions. I like the challenge and I like having characters that aren't Terribly Manly Straight White Male Imperalist Stereotypical Guy.

The current thing I'm writing is a dark erotic fantasy piece with a succubus as a main character. Well, a lady that changes into a succubus. Way darker than I usually write but I'm enjoying it and playing with a slightly different style.

Work itself? Programming. Figuring out ways to do nearly anything that can be automated. Pulling reports, databasin' and jQueryin' and sassin' people.

Important things first, naturally.

I play a mean game of baby toss. Hands around the waist, head up, tossing in the air and going "WHEEEEE!" while smiling all broadly and cheerfully? Nah, that shit's for amateurs. I'll take those babies, grab their ankles and toss them into the air upside down. I'm hardcore. I made a mother cringe and look away one time. For Real. She almost cried(*) but I had him just fine. They were shrieks of happiness and you could barely smell the pee.

I have no shame in front of small children. Spider baby crawling on the ceiling? Yup. Baby shoulder rides while I scream out "SQUIRREL!" and chase that bastard down with the kid on my shoulder? Better believe it. Then, I hit that tree, yell out "DETACH!" and wait for the baby to climb the tree but... yeah, still working on that part. Kids are kind of slow sometimes. They don't quite get it. Mostly they kung-fu grip my head and scream until I stumble blindly into the duck pond, shrieking like a little girl at a Justin Beiber concert.

I do pretty good at the erotica writing. If you want a piece of the action, tell me a small thing to write about and I'll give you back a paragraph or two. Unless I'm swamped at the moment.

Voluntarily nystagmus ... ing!

(*) "I will fucking kill you if you drop my kid" is just another way women show their uncontrollable womanly emotions.

That I have a small child on my shoulders, crazy wild eyes and a face contorted in anti-squirrel rage as I run around the local parks?

That I'm male?

Hrrrmmmmm.....

Oh! No... Hmmm... I have a tattoo? Although that's only if I'm trying to show it off. Awkwardly. With a sleeveless shirt. Or am outside biking/jogging. It's a wolf's head (design rather than realistic) that my friend in Louisiana designed and was inked at Slave to the Needle. If I were to have a totem animal, it'd be a wolf so it means a lot to me.

Side note: It's really really hard to be humorous while writing about books and stuff you like. So, this section will be stuffy. I'll produce my whipping boy on command in compensation. Just pay no attention to the fact that he looks remarkably like me and (mostly) ignore him when he begs for more.

I'm a nerd. I like science fiction and fantasy and I am very low brow. I don't think I've read many or any of the books you'd get from a proper schoolin' (on account of me never really going to college) so I like easy books. Currently, my favorite is A Song of Ice and Fire by GRRM but he better shape up and get back on track with the books and characters. He's on notice. A small sampling of others so I can show my nerd cred? Sure: Robert Jordan, Neil Gaiman, William Gibson, Tim Powers, Alan Moore, Terry Pratchett, Ted Chiang, Richard Matheson, Jack Vance and Edward Gorey.

I read some translated Japanese manga, some Vertigo comics and a few graphic novels.

Some webcomics I like: xkcd, Scary Go Round, Questionable Content, Penny Arcade, Sequential Art, Hark! A Vagrant (I love that lady's stuff), Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, Gastrophobia, Axe Cop, Girls With Slingshots, Subnormality, Doctor Voluptua, The Perry Bible Fellowship, The Oatmeal, Liz Prince Power, Doctor Voluptua, Oglaf and Calvin and Hobbes.

Movie sampler: Iron Man, The Dark Knight, District 9, Amelie, Pan's Labyrinth, the Bourne movies, The Crow, Bladerunner, The City of Lost Children, Cat People, The Devil's Backbone, Ginger Snaps, the original Star Wars trilogy, the original Indiana Jones trilogy, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, An American Werewolf In London, Inception, anything Monty Python and the two Sherlock Holmes movies.

TV (which I rarely rarely watch, like any good arrogant, elitist adult): Mystery Science Theater 3000, Myth Busters, Firefly, the BBC's new Sherlock Holmes show (I would carry Benedict Cumberbatch's twins to full term in my belly), The Daily Show (I would have Jon Stewart's babies, too...Jesus... I'm a man whore...) and the original Twilight Zone. Starting in on Dr. Who!

I listen to anything that catches my ear. It can be widely panned pop music but, if I like it, I like it. Stuff like Tool, Gillian Welch, Vienna Teng, Daft Punk, old Metallica, Soundgarden, old Pearl Jam, Alt-J, Lana Del Rey, Halestorm, Florence and the Machine, Pink, Die Antwoord (I don't get the hate for the lady - I think she's attractive) and Macklemore are good examples.

1. Chapstick.
2. Chapstick.
3. Chapstick.
4. Chapstick.
5. Chapstick.
6. ... ..... ....... ?????

No, seriously. Why? Why chapstick?

But, if I can't have my chapstick then: My kids, good conversation, my imagination, pen and paper, good walking shoes, sex.

Oh, also - hot, hot illegal-in-35-states (NOTHING sexual is illegal in the South, I swear to fucking God) sex. Mmmmhmmmmm.

Hahahahaha! Oh, OKCupid... it's like you WANT me to get arrested! You little so-and-so, you!

No, but, really, no fucking way I talk about all the things that go through my mind at any random point.

So! The filtered version. My kids. They get most of my attention aside from work and, let's be frank, you don't want to hear about databases unless you have some odd data storage fetish. Hell, you barely want to know that I think about my family so much. It's just that, ever since having kids, I've come to realize that they're what's important. I have stupid little mini panic attacks about what if I'm home alone with them for a week or something and I have a heart attack and they're all alone. Stuff like that. If I die, big deal. I'm over it. Them? Gah.

Sex. I have this terribly high sex drive and I write erotica and I don't feel guilty about it so it's often on my mind. Often.

Probably family time. And then staying up after the kids are asleep. Then I'll be getting in some writing on my stories, catching up on my Google Reader feed, digging through articles on Arduino and home automation and dreaming of automating my house or studying for certifications (CCNA first!)

Now... try to hold yourselves back, ladies but I'm learning to cook. I've so far made: creole seafood gumbo (epic), pumpkin pie cheesecake (delicious), New York cheesecake (meh), salsbury steak (shared effort with my girlfriend), fried pickles (no), fried okra (yes) and enchilada lasagna (should've been called lottacheese awesoma). Just finished making something called Snicker Dip (chopped snickers, cream cheese, brown sugar, whip cream mixed - basically a cheesecake) for my girlfriend to bring with her on a girl's night out. I'm enjoying the hell out of learning to cook. Even making my own stockpile of seasonings and such.

I'm kink friendly and have a dirty mind. Very flirty. Comes from writing smut. Or the other way around? Also fetish-friendly and open minded.

I have a DeviantArt account. For my writing because I seriously doubt people would be interested in dirty stick figure art. Pretty sure that's not a thing. .... ........ right?

As a child, I once accidentally lit a trashcan on fire and then blamed it on a random invisible homeless man. My mom TOTALLY fell for it.

I can't tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue. See above. I'm a failure.

I have a crush on Elizabeth Warren. That lady is all kinds of badass.

Have a question about open relationships or polyamory? I'll help where I can with what I know.

Curious about fetishes or kinks and want to talk about them? Go for it! I've been around a bit. Played a bit with different things (role play of different kinds, BDSM, really rough sex) and I have a decent grasp of people and motivations and such.

I may be convinced to help with your profile if you'd like. I write stuffs.

... you're a red head. Mmmmhmmmm :)

Or you found me via the NSPP tag!

Here and there I think I'm going to put a random paragraph from something I'm currently writing. 4th one up - from a romantic supernatural erotica:

Kelly stood by the register in the front, relishing in the sudden quiet and familiar smells. The world felt slow here. Looking through the old, dusty large front windows made the city outside seem like a movie playing at a drive-in theater on a warm summer night. Even the tiny motes of dust floating in the buttery yellow sunlight seemed lazy. "Make it two, Papa Joe. With soup, please? To go."

... currently working on my descriptions and writing style.