If you do not find this entertaining, we will NOT get along:
She's a Keeper
If you can do this and look good at the same time ... you may be exempt from a "pre-nup" years from now:
I never was a big fan of mathematics, but this seems fairly applicable to the dating pool:
Genuine/Mushy Sh*t: Deleted.
*Blows Whistle and Signals Timeout* Dudes ... Quit emailin' me for dating tips (I'm stuck in the online sh*t as well). Answers to FAQ(s): Yes ... I am an a**hole, yet remain honest. If I were fake ... I would use better looking photos. 2.) If you want to engage in successful conversation: novel concept alert. Pick up a book, learn from random encounters, or maybe do less core strength training in the mirror (empty bottles of bronzer and HGH in the image probably aren't viewed favorably by the fairer sex)*
Random Facts (Increases based on Popular Demand ... Evidently I am a slow learner):
- If you have a felony conviction (or one pending). You are not worth my livelihood. *Evidently this requires elaboration: also including Gross Misdemeanors and Domestic Violence Convictions* Reference Federal law (18 U.S.C. § 922[g][1-9]
- I am not entirely convinced about the algorithms they use to compute compatibility.
- Paula can still chicken fry my supper any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
- I am slightly intrigued by the amount of "Bi" ladies on here ... is this a testament to how sh*tty the male population is right now? ( ... After conferring with my friends of the female persuasion ... this question has been asked and answered).
- If you DO NOT show your face in your photo and you are posing in lingerie (as it may look hot) ... We all realize you were evicted from your home on Craigslist ... it's ok.
- If you draw on your eye-brows similar to an inmate in a Female Correctional Facility. I DO NOT find this alluring (ala Elizabeth Perkins in 'Weeds')
- If I wanted to talk to someone that I didn't know what they looked like ... I would blind-fold myself and walk down main street talking to anyone with a "feminine" voice ... until I got arrested or my a** kicked.
- My new record for first date duration is: Five Days/Four Nights (Doubt this will be trumped anytime soon).
- OkCupid is a better mechanism for people watching than meeting that special someone (so far...)
- I have perfected how to integrate free-lance divorce therapy and tequila shots.
- Alas, finally, coming clean ... I am not a "hiker" (as everyone seems to be) ... unless I am going to rescue, capture, or neutralize it ... uphill directions are not appealing in my leisure. If you want me to chase you up a hill ... there should be a hot shower and a comfortable sleeping area near the summit.
- I enjoy "ladies" who take the time out of their "busy" day to message me calling me an "A**hole." .... Really?
- If you are a stay-at-home mom with 1-19 children ... Chances are I am not interested unless you are Olivia Wilde.
- I will never understand how vegans get to weigh 400+ lbs. I think they should find fruit high(er) on the tree.
- If you are taking orbital self-portraits (while driving). Your true figure will become known at some point. *Plus, you might kill an innocent person while you are driving. STOP!!!*
- "Trannies". Just because you have a "Distance" Profile Shot. It does not help the end-product. The line "It puts the lotion on the skin," still frightens me.
- I get confused, as to whether or not it is, worth buying designer jeans when your ass and thighs are designed to pull a Budweiser Beer Wagon as opposed to being the husky one during fashion week.
- When I happen to witness dudes at the bar wearing Affliction T-shirts (that cannot meet the minimum height requirement to ride many roller-coasters) hitting on ladies ... it makes me chuckle.
- I first learned how to Texas-Two-Step from a Special Ed Teacher [Insert Punch Line Here] at Billy Bob's.
- My ideal vacation destination is with my Brotha from a Dif'rent Motha at the best watering hole on earth "Willie Beamon's," which is due east 1,949 miles from my current location.
- I find it highly entertaining that Ozzy Osbourne outlived Michael Jackson, Amy Whinehouse, and Whitney Houston.
- If you have snakes or birds as pets. We probably will not work. If you cannot play fetch with it or pet it. I find it useless (I am sticking to my guns this time around).
- I miss normal names like John and Jane. If you think I am challenged for not being able to spell "D'Shinquarius." Hooked-on-Phonics failed you.
- It irritates me men no longer open doors for women. I find it entertaining to close the door on the dude or make notice of it.
- Beer snobs are annoying. Just shut up and have a good time. This Bud's for you!
- The fresh aroma of leather (albeit Galco, Frye, or Nocona) ... is amazing ...
- If I am by myself, I drive with my heated seat on and window down in the Winter.
- I would be more willing to sky dive into a combat situation than do it for fun (I don't know either?)
- I greet my closest friends on the phone with a profane pet-name. You should be so lucky if you earn a title such as this.
- I usually do not trust people without some kind of vice. Please drink, smoke, or gamble with a troll on your slot machine.
- I will never understand guys who wear skinny jeans. I enjoy blood flow to my pelvis.
- I will never understand why ladies wear 13 lbs of jewelry to the airport and stripper heels ... when they know they are gonna have to strip down for the wrong reason.
- Baseball hats are meant to be bent and dirty ... not flat with f*ckin stickers attached. *Surprisingly enough ... this has garnered much flack ... sorry my hats have earned their keep ... I didn't just finance them at a Lids for street cred*
- I once met a man hanging upside down from a tree with a Santa bag full of porn and Heroin. Beings that it was Monday I suggested he should have stayed home and watched football.
- I hate YouTube for the most part ... but thoroughly enjoy Jenna Marbles.
- I highly encourage at some point in your life arguing with someone attached to a heart monitor.
- If you live hundreds of miles away an I looked at your profile chances you reside close to a law school of interest.
*IF YOU COULD STOMACH THAT ... I AM PRETTY CLASSICAL WHEN IT COMES TO RESPECT IN REGARDS TO LADIES.*
PS - - Very humbled by those who choose to "Like" the Profile, but it would be nice to know who the hell you are (not subscribing to A-List).
Favorite Recent Quote: "If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward then, brother, that person is a piece of sh*t. And I'd like to get as many of them out in the open as possible. You gotta get together and tell yourself stories that violate every law of the universe just to get through the goddamn day? What's that say about your reality?" - Rustin Cohle (True Detective)