Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Omg....omg....i can hear the rumbling in the OK cupid forest. Blare
the horns...new meat is in the woods, nearby!
In other words, hi. I am new. Not the same face & profiles that
you scroll through to the point where you actually feel as if you
know Tammy69xx and her cat named Miley Cyrus. You wonder deeply why
Tammy would include 69 in her dating profile name, since she wants
to find "true love". And why she would automatically kiss you all
twice, when I won't even kiss you on the second date & that's
in real life. Your heart isn't just some wedge of grapefruit you
can give out to anyone who wants a slice. You scroll, slowly
wondering how it is you are single when you're such a catch
compared to these losers, then you realize...wow...maybe I am Tammy
and I don't know it! Then you hit the SUBMIT button which completes
your profile set-up.
That was a really long way of saying that Most of us are only on
here because of curiousness, loneliness, boredom...I am probably an
embodiment of them all, honestly. I like having a go-to friend to
run around with...more than a boyfriend, a partner in crime. A best
friend. Most couples forget they are also friends and start
speaking to each other rudely or otherwise disrespecting the gift.
If you're friends first, you never have to break up the next day. I
don't want a boyfriend. i want an "other". The good news is, I am
real & not some smackbag trawling the site with back-hair and a
crusty sock next to my mousepad storing women's photos in his Spank
Bank. The bad news is, I think I may be Tammy but without the 69
part because that's just vulgar and I went to a good school &
am wearing closed-toed shoes, even.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Living off birthday money.
I have been a novelist (5 novels), writer, editor, copywriter and I
correct the grammar of news anchors who obviously did not care to
memorize their AP Stylebooks. I loathe the word "amazing" and the
people who use it to describe an expected result or something
I tend to talk too much when i am shy & have a terrible time
making eye contact, although i am not shy. I don't know why that
is, but i talk far too much staring at your ear when i first meet
Now I work in a very cool industry. Artsy, snotty, sophisticated
line of work, so I go from high heels to combat boots. Keep a pair
of both tossed in the back of my truck. Am strung out on learning
things. IF I won the lottery, I would just go back to school
forever! A ten-page paper on Rachmaninoff Yes, please! A 20-page
paper on Nabokov's Lolita? Frothing...at the mouth.......
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I am also very good at gardening. The man who chops his own wood is
warmed twice by it. You bought that avocado; make it work for you
twice. Plant it and grow dozens...it is so rewarding to pick your
own vegetables & free, if you dry out your seeds for a few
I don't get manicures because I spend too much time using my hands
for real things, so having fingernails is ridiculous. Plus, if I
don't know somebody, I don't want them touching me, so no massages,
pedicures, etc. I find it weird to be holding Anuki's hand at the
Toyko Spa. We aren't going to Prom.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My hillbilly accent. My Yankee friends put me on the phone and make
me say shit, so their friends can laugh.
Other than that, My gigantic A-cup breasts, of course. Hey, my eyes
are up here, Hoss. I always thought it would be hilarious to get a
t-shirt that reads "THEY'RE REAL". I didn't like the idea of
getting Tupperware bowls installed in perfectly good tits, so I
didn't. I place 99% of my self-esteem in my intelligence, not
breasts. I find it silly, but I get it when other girls do. They
just want to look their best. I get blonde highlights, it's a
matter of same dance, different shoes. I am not knocking anybody's
knockers, it just seemed a frivolity. If I were to spend money on
myself, it would be entering a Ph.D program, not silicone.
I have never been inside a Victoria's Secret.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Amadeus, Lolita, Magnolia, and other really cheerful inspirational
movies. I always felt "meh" over Julianne Moore, but when she
freaked on the pharmacist over calling her "ma'am" I lost my mind.
Then, she trumped her own card with the whole, "I sucked other
men's cockssssssssssssssssssssssss!" in the lawyer's office. I
declare, I clutched my imaginary pearls over that one. I cuss, but
I get Victorian over certain things. The word "horny" makes me
faint with embarrassment, although I will call somebody a cunt at a
moment's notice. I am a walking contradiction-- I am extroverted,
but isolated. I am holding it together for an old gal, but then, I
feel I am starting to get kinda busted, sometimes. I hope I'm not
one of those people who look good in photos & then 31 Flavors
of Destitute in person, but I guess I will be able to tell if I
meet you & see barely-concealed horror in your eyes. Lol. At
which point, I wil hit the COPY and PASTE & transfer this
profile to "Our Time".
Books? Anything. AMA Medical journals, Ayn Rand to Larry McMurtrey,
backs of cereal boxes, the newspaper I am reading over your
shoulder...i prefer real books. If I were a student, well, a Kindle
would probably help me with my scholasticate; therefore, I would
have one. But part of a book's allure is the smell of the pages,
the dog-earing & highlighting of passages, everything about it
is romantic. i could go blind & still identify my precious
books simply by the smelling their spines.
Food? I usually eat once a day at night. Unless you are out plowing
a field with a donkey, you don't need 3 squares. I don't care what
Men's Fitness told you. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I
love a good Caesar salad, guacamole, soups, or anything green. I
don't do empty calories, often. A Hershey bar is empty calories...I
will take the granola bar & go for a jog, instead.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My miniature American Eskimo dog, books, my Swiss Army knife, a
glass of Merlot, a piano & lavender soap...oh and "Lanvin
Arpege d'Eclat" perfume & The Thymes "Eucalyptus" lotion. I
don't care about shopping or shoes, but I get 100% homosexual over
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Just kidding, I think about wetting the bed & hurting small
animals. just kidding, again, folks. I think about work when I am
at work and I think about re-working Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu
left hand chords & arpeggios, when I need to relax my mind. I
play the piano & am currently going back through that piece.
Chopin's Revolutionary Etùde is a favorite to play, as well. He
wrote it when the Russians were invading Poland...
I am also saving money for my tri-headed life-sized full back
tattoo of Judge Judy screaming.
Yes, that fetching shoulder upon which you gaze will soon
transmogrify into a cobra wearing a lace collar. Will you still
love all four of us?
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Reading books or cryptic crosswords from the New Yorker or Harper's
magazine. I love to keep my mind sharp & I value education.
That being said, perhaps staying sharp while drinking Merlot,
cancels the other out? Perhaps not, as I finish the crossword...but
then, perhaps so, because I also finish the wine.
That is why I never did acid or anything hardcore. I am not the one
you leave alone with your weed, perhaps, but I can't imagine losing
everything I have read, poems I have memorized, Beethoven sonatas I
can play, the novels I have written, all liquifying.
Remember Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd? He did so much acid he had to
quit the band & move back in with his parents because he
"thought he was a glass of orange juice." Ummm, yeah...try telling
that to your dad. "Thanks for the 80k education. My name is
Tropicana. I will be squeezing myself back in my room."
I only got on this thing because I don't go out. When you don't go
out, you don't meet anybody except those who like to go out. So
then you're already setting yourself up for failure because they'll
want to go out all the time and you don't. See? We already broke
I am the only creature ever born who has hedge-clippers in the back
of her car, along with a copy of Franz Liszt's .transcendental
Etudes, which i can actually play.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Nice try, pervs. You never caught a fish who didn't open its
I am vanilla with maybe three sprinkles, so if you want to get
beaten with a ball gag, then I am not your girl. I was once chased
with a vibrator at a bachelorette party & am still suffering
from PTSD effects. I am a simple country girl...let's keep me that
I just want someone who is busy like I am, however not too busy
where I only see you twice a month. I care more about companionship
than serious dating...I just want to enjoy someone's company who is
smart and engaging.
I like unusual things--instead of dinner and a movie, I would
rather get a smoothie and go swinging at the park. Creative things
that you'll actually have fun doing. Exploring a bookstore, taking
a day-trip to the zoo, crashing an apartment-complex swimming pool
without getting caught, a redneck picnic with motorcycles, picking
a bunch of weird fruit from the grocery store and seeing if it's
gross or good (who buys those tiny bananas and little bizarre
mangoes?)...going to Goodwill and buying sturdy old furniture or
suitcases and painting them... or something equally galvanizing
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You don't have ideations of meeting me in a dark alley?
I promise not to murder you, if you promise not to murder me.
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