─ Robert Fulghum
You should message me if any
of the following are
• You are not crazier than is generally accepted by most
• You find me funny or even mildly entertaining.
• This is not the second to last step in your plan to kill
• You wish to become my "Words with Friends
• You have a story to share. I like stories!
• You think I look fucking fantastic in one of my photos.
• You want to catch some live music somewhere.
• You have a thirst and/or hunger you want quenched.
• You fancy yourself a good kisser. There will be a test.
• You'd like to critique my profile, photos, or manhood.
• You want to meet and do anything other than drink.
• You are somewhat local and fairly spontaneous.
• You think we would make a cute, nay, adorable couple.
• You want me to stop adding to this list.
• You believe I've been negligent in messaging you.
• You like horror movies and roller coasters.
• You want me to interview for an open friend position.
• You don't have cooties.
• You are willing to help me learn Spanish.
• You'd like to have drinks while not speaking to one
• You might enjoy travel, but do not have a passion for it.
• You understand that the sun is significantly larger than
• You want to state your preference for my facial hair.
• You want to meet sooner than later.
• You want to take me thrift store shopping.
• You don't own any crabby pants.
• You believe mosquitoes are thieves that deserve vigilante
• You still stop to smell the occasional rose.
• You are forthcoming, upfront, honest, and other related
• You are uncomfortable with most absolutes.
• You like to walk.
• You would like to go on an ice cream date.
• You realize that sweat, in fact, will not kill you.
• You enjoy, or think that you would enjoy, day hikes.
• You like to do
• You want to share a late breakfast.
• You'd still love me after I declare data to be one of my
• Life hasn't beaten all the silly out of you yet.
• You are a fan of the Detroit Lions.
• A smile dances across your face more often than not.
• You believe communication is one key to a strong
• You want to do karaoke and see who sings worse.
• You want to play dress-up (I'll wear a suit) and meet somewhere
• You know a good place for pie. I'm partial to apple
• You'd like to go on a 5 Wits
• You have season tickets to ALL THE THINGS.
• You'd like to take it slow. Friends first.
• You're a girl who reads
• Overall, you believe in moderation, but don't sweat
• You can rock a dress, because OMGYES!
• You want me to shave. I'm not picky.
• You'd like to chat via webcam before deciding to meet.
• You've saved Earth from destruction at least once.
• You just want someone to make out with.
• You want to party like it's 1999.
• You like yourself.
• You gaze at the stars, if but only for brief moments.
• You're not crazy into hockey.
• You want to experiment on me.
• You think I may be your cuppa.
• You think it might be cool to hang out for a couple of
• You are a scientist of any type, because sexy.
• You don't want to date, but would like to go out anyway.
• If you'll still love me when I'm no longer young and
• You'd like to play Hearts
every other Monday night.
*I just wanted to put that song
into your head.
Any of the above is fine. Combinations of the above are awesome.
All of the above is über. None of the above is so out of left
field, it makes my heart go all pitter patter.
Following the questionable
premise that all men are assholes
─ that you should just pick one ─ I posit that you should pick me.
After all, you've already invested a nice chunk of your time in
reading my profile, and more importantly, you're already
I can be verbose.
*makes small hand movement*
You are going to write me.
(it's a Jedi mind trick)
We should go out for tea or, if the weather is nice, a short