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39 Schaumburg, IL Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 28–45
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My details

Last online
Yesterday – 1:06pm
6′ 4″ (1.93m)
Body Type
Strictly anything
Atheism, and laughing about it
Capricorn, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from high school
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Likes dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
* Last Updated 6.25.2011 : The Somnambulist Update *

"further adding to the anomalous nature of this cryptic aperture was the fact that from time to time it disgorged monsters. huge, misshapen toads are the most recognizable of the horrors we have encountered." -depths, 6.16.2011

It's been some time since my last update. I've been rather busy hanging out with all the great people I met here. A curious medium, this, whose very success ensures its obsolescence.

Well, I'm still hanging out with many of those people, but much of the information in the old profile was out of date, so I thought it was time for an overhaul. Also the old profile was upwards of 12 pages, so perhaps I'll try to be a little more concise this time. Probably not, though, as I tend to ramble.

Let's get the "Do Not Wants" out of the way first, shall we? Save you having to slog through the rest of the profile if I hit any of your buttons right off. Aren't I considerate?

If you smoke, litter, are rabidly political, or subscribe to any stripe of magical thinking*, then we will not get along. Likewise if you practice vindictiveness, jealousy, if you are manipulative or prone to melodrama, please move on. Been there, got the t-shirt.
*(magical thinking is the belief that you can change the world with your thoughts. For most of you, I'm referring to religion.)

I'm not particularly attracted to heavy makeup, cosmetic surgery, high heels, or any of the traditional measures of socially mandated "beauty". These are all fine things, I'm not judging, they are just not things I care about. Wear what makes you feel good, for whatever reasons seem best to you. Piercings, tats, and impossible hair colors are groovy. I tend to like curves, but honestly it's less about what you've got and more about how you carry it, whether you're slender as a willow or you just stepped out of a Renoir or Rubens. And once you open your mouth, it doesn't matter how physically interesting you may be if you're vapid, self deluded, irritating or soporific. Looks are what attract us initially, but personality is what makes for lasting connections. That said, I've learned that getting to know people takes time, and that first impressions aren't always right. "Sparks" or "chemistry" are mostly hormonal functions, which are useful in their way, but not to be trusted unreservedly.

With me, a sense of humor is a must, because I am frequently silly, irreverent, and/or ridiculous. If you can't laugh at yourself, or at the intrinsic wackiness and stupidity of the world, then I will probably annoy you. I may do that anyway, to be perfectly honest. You know what they say, everyone should do what they do best.

I have many interests, both abiding and ephemeral. I enjoy and consume all the same multifarious forms of media as everyone else, and just like them, I have probably included some sort of list a bit further down the page, so keep an eye out for that, ok? I enjoy the company of friends, except when I am feeling misanthropic. I sometimes organize fun outings for various sized groups of friends and acquaintances; and sometimes I don't. I enjoy games of many kinds, although I rarely win any of them. I've even tried my hand at designing games of my own, although so far none of them has made me independently wealthy.

I've been known to correct people's spelling and grammar from time to time. I don't really understand why this annoys some people. If I misspell something, or use poor grammar, please tell me so that I do not continue to sound illiterate. Of course, I also have a tendency to neologize, but that's a different thing altogether.

There, I think I've condensed that section pretty thoroughly. If there's anything you feel I have not adequately covered, I'm open to suggestions. Likewise, questions are welcome. You can only really get to know someone by getting to know them.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
"Every time I turn a corner I can see them, through a glass wall, or reflected in a mirror, but somehow I can’t find my way out. I start to get a sinister feeling, and bang helplessly on the glass as the White Rabbit takes her hand and they skip off together across a sunlit field and through a tall, wrought iron gate. I am powerless to reach them, and although I scream myself hoarse, she cannot hear." -wonderland, 5.25.2011

I have a job that I mostly enjoy. It doesn't pay very well, but I've learned that no amount of money is worth being miserable at work. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my mouth, and most importantly I don't owe anybody anything.

When I'm not working, I spend too much time online. I have a PS3 and an assortment of last-gen consoles (GameCube, DreamCast, SNES, PS2); shelves full of books and graphic novels; a garage full of foam weapons, squirtguns, NERF blasters; stacks of board games and RPGs... what? Childish? Not at all- I'm thirtyteen!

When I get out of the house, I like to take in an open mic night at Top Shelf Books, or head downtown for a cultural event of some sort. Lately I've been introduced to the local burlesque scene, so that's been fun. I'm an organizer for the Chicago Pillow Fight Club, general of the undefeated Purple Army at the annual Chicago Water Wars, head instigator of Foamageddon NERF battles, unofficial morale officer for the Wildwood boffer group, and coordinator of Read Out, a floating holiday that promotes outdoor reading. I regularly attend GenCon, Forge Midwest, and a smattering of other local nerdly conventions and events when desire and convenience align. I am not quite as outdoorsy as I used to be- I work on rooftops all day maintaining filters in HVAC equipment, so by the time I get home I am generally done being outside, but I do have friends who drag me biking or geocaching or picnicking from time to time, and although I may grumble a bit, I don't really mind.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I suppose "good at" is a relative term. I'm "not terrible" at a fair number of things. I can read with reasonable alacrity, although I don't do as much of it as I had time to in my youth. I really can't claim that I have any special skills or talents, aside from perhaps putting my foot in my mouth, but that's hardly a unique ability.

" at a show
big stage
woman in 50s housewife drag
guy w/4 long noses in an uneven cluster
goofy music & stupid jokes
platform on a lazy susan
woman to my right goes up to do acro/contortionist act
I can’t watch but voices all around say she’s really good
I comment to the woman to my left (whom I know)
then a parade of figures enter from the aisles
draped head to toe in shimmering red fabric
bound like trees in a christmas lot with gold cord at throat, waist, knees
more red fabric pours down onto the stage like nail polish
I think the performance has just been showjacked by a rival troupe
ALARMALARMALARMALARMALARMfucking hell I hate that thing >_<"
-eerie shadows on the wall of sleep, 4.12.2011
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
That depends. If I'm wearing a large purple top hat, they probably notice that it makes me seem tall and goofy looking. If I'm not wearing the hat, they probably notice that I'm tall and goofy looking without the benefit of an interesting hat.

"As things start to break up and we drift away in twos and threes, back toward our respective haunts (again, sometimes literally), I pluck a last thick sheaf of crisp green bills from the table and wave it toward this and that of my comrades, asking if anybody lays claim to it, but nobody seems interested, so I tuck it in my shirt. Not to hide it, just so my hands will be free." -Meetings of Import, 3.29.2011
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
"the lady friend wanders away to shop elsewhere while I finish making my selections. passing by a window set high in the wall, I see her looking in. snow covers the ground and frost tinges the window, but I see her clearly, she is somehow short enough to fit in the window. she pulls out a guitar and begins to play. static electricity builds around her and I know the lightning bolt will strike soon, so I move away from the window." -blips on the night radar, 3.25.2011

O, hai, you found the list. Good on you.

Latest Media Update 8.30.13 : The Wax King Update

BOOKS - Recently finished Odd John | Sirius by Olaf Stapledon. I find it interesting how he can tell a story by deliberately and overtly skipping over most of the important parts. Also read The Demon's Sermon on the Martial Arts by Issai Chozanshi, the underlying theme of which seemed to be "whatever life hands you, suck it up, and don't try to change your lot". Which is a terrible moral, if you ask me, even if it does come from a Tengu.
I just picked up some interesting stuff from Half-Price Books, including Misfortunate by Wesley Stace, Hero Tales of the Kalevala by James Baldwin, X'ed Out by Charles Burns. Also I grabbed the latest Order of the Stick and ErfWorld collections while I was at GenCon.

I could go on, or you could just go look at my Goodreads page.

Also, I realize underlining book titles is out of style these days, but it was good enough when I learned to read, so it's good enough now.

MOVIES - Probably going to see The World's End this weekend. I'll pretty much watch anything with Simon Pegg in it. Except the new Star Trek crapfest.
Some examples of stuff I found on Netflix I might never have watched otherwise include Prachya Pinkaew's beautiful martial arts ballad Chocolate, Jamin Winan's dark fantasy Ink, and Radley Metzger's erotic but melancholy Therese and Isabelle. Although there are many films on my to-watch list that Netflix does not offer streaming, there are enough that my queue is already many, many pages long. Recently I picked up Gantz II: Perfect Answer on DVD and quite liked it. Some of my favorite movies include Man of La Mancha, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Unbreakable, The Heroic Trio, Equilibrium, and Dark City.

"masked neighbors
kite mug
drug deals?
golf clubs
can't make me hate you"
-peril and platypi, 3.11.2011

TELEVISION - My television is not hooked up to cable, and I did not miss it. Netflix, not caring that I was happy without access to television, has foisted upon me numerous lurid and thoroughly distracting programs. I still forget to watch anything for weeks at a time, and frankly, that's fine. Most recently I've discovered the magic that is Adventure Time

MUSIC - I buy a lot of digital music now. My musical tastes are fairly eclectic. Here, let's just run a quick Shuffle and see what comes up, shall we?
(1) "Day of the Sunflowers (We March On)" / Basement Jaxx
(2) "Billy Blue" / Zoe Vermillion
(3) "I Get Mana" / Zealous1
(4) "I Don't Care" / Apocalyptica
(5) "Burrow Your Way Into My Heart" / Darkest of the Hillside Thickets
(6) "Spare-Ohs" / Andrew Bird
(7) "Any Other Way" / Emilyn Brodsky
(8) "Mercy Street" / Peter Gabriel
(9) "Megatron" / Paul Oakenfold
(10) "Savana Dance" / Deep Forest

If you dig the nerd music scene, absolutely check out Wordburglar's most recent drop, Welcome to Cobra Island.

If you're a fan of eclecticism and quality, get yourself a subscription to the ridiculously prolific Andrew Huang's label, SutureSound, through which he pumps out a staggering variety of exceptionally well crafted albums at a breathtaking pace.

If you want deeper insight into my listening habits, feel free to peruse my LAST.FM page, and for the indier stuff, I'm also on TheSixtyOne.

"I lined them up in the yard for training and started showing them the basics (which apparently I knew quite a bit about). The ladies were all very enthusiastic, but none moreso than Philomena Bledsoe, who would go on to be our star pugilist when the league started having intramural tournaments." -Ladies Topfree Prison Boxing Club, 3.9.2011

FOOD - I've been trying really hard to stick to some approximation of the 4-Hour Body diet. Which mostly means eating way more protein and way less carbs and sugar. Also taking vitamins. We'll see how long it lasts. My problem is that if there is food around me, I will eat it. The food that is around me may be healthier, but I'm still at the mercy of my appetites far too often. My metabolism and my eating habits have not slowed at a commensurate rate as I have gotten older, resulting in slight widening of the midsection that is juuuust beginning to become unsightly. I'm trying to catch it before it gets out of control. That said, I do not wish to become one of those people who is obnoxious about food. I like food. Food and I are good friends. I have managed to get my meals per day down to a respectable 3, rather than, say, 6 or 8. This is definite progress.

GAMES - I'm kind of on a break from vidyagames right now, as I need the time for other things. That said, I am on Steam, and I do play SolForge from time to time.
I'm looking forward to Saint's Row 4, Shadowrun Returns, The Bureau, Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragonkeep, and The Secret World. Yes, I am aware all of these games have been out for some time. I told you I'm taking a break, alright?

I picked up Voluspa, HexHexXL, Pixel Tactics, and the latest Dominion expansion at GenCon this year, and look forward to introducing them to my regular game night crew in between our regular bouts of Race for the Galaxy and Lords of Waterdeep.

I'm also considering getting into the local LARP scene. We'll see how that goes, I've heard mixed reviews of Cam events.

"I was in a science class on a field trip out in an actual field, with an expert in whatever we were studying. Suddenly the sun was blocked by a dark cloud. I looked up, and it was not a cloud, but an impossibly gargantuan sky whale as wide and long as a football field, massive tail flapping lazily through a cloudbank." -in which hugeness figures prominently, 12.31.2010

PODCASTS - I finally gave up fighting the term "podcast", even though we already had the perfectly useful and more correct term "webcast", because I have better things to do than bang my head against walls nobody cares about. I listen to a crapton of podcasts. For keeping up my NPR cred, This American Life, RadioLab, Wait, Wait, and ThistlePod. For humorous and irreverent discussion and interviews, WTF with Marc Maron keeps me amused and informed. For keeping up on what the kids are doing in the sack these days, Savage Love has all the answers. For my weekly doses of genre fiction, the Escape Artists trilogy of Escape Pod (for science fiction), Pseudopod (for horror), and PodCastle (for fantasy) really can't be beat. Clarkesworld and Lightspeed are also both good. For getting my geek on there is The Nerdy Show, or The Walking Eye, and for the local nerd perspective, The Jank Cast. I've been slowly working my way through the archives of Escape and Suspense, fantastic old radio shows featuring the creme de la creme of radio and film stars from yesteryear. And for a more modern take on the classic radio show format, I've recently discovered the amazing selection at Decoder Ring Theater, including "The Red Panda Adventures" and "Black Jack Justice", both shows featuring old timey sensibilities paired with modern production values. Also I just started listening to Ancient Faith Radio's free audiobook series of the entire Chronicles of Narnia, which, for being free, is damn good. Finally, for madcap antics and nonstop hilarity, you can't pass up The Children's Hour of Knowledge, the web's only puppet radio show, which is absolutely not for children by any means.

WEBCOMICS - I just finished catching up on Zebra Girl, Blip, and Wayward Sons, so I can add those to my "on top of" list, along with Shortpacked!, Ctrl-Alt-Del, Order of the Stick, Dresden Codak, Goblins, Oglaf, Brightest, Curvy, Pictures for Sad Children, Questionable Content, The Meek, ErfWorld, Grrl Power...*pant*... um, yeah. That's another list that could go on forever. Not sure what I'm going to tackle catching up on next... got some old favorites I've lapsed on (Girls With Slingshots, Something Positive, Sexy Losers, Gunnerkrigg Court, Accidental Centaurs, Abstract Gender, etc), and some new ones I haven't started yet (Digger, Infinity Roads, many others).

I have a bad tendency toward exhaustive listing. You may have noticed. I'm doing my best to curtail it. Feel free to skip ahead if your eyes start to roll back into your head.

"my companion is gone. only one voice is in my head now, and it is the one I know as my own.
I search far and wide, calling, going places I would not have, could not have, before becoming wise.
but my companion does not answer. my companion, who was my friend when I did not know what it meant to have one.
I have learned loneliness."
-inhuman contact, 11.20.2010

COMIC BOOKS - Yep, I'm a comics nerd, too. I know, I'm such a catch, right? I'll try to be brief here. Invincible, Gold Digger, Thieves and Kings, A Distant Soil, Parasyte, Irredeemable, Boneyard, Mouse Guard, Artesia, Gunnerkrigg Court, BPRD, PS238, Requiem, Heavy Metal, anything by the Luna Brothers, Trondheim & Sfar, Dan Brereton, Bryan Talbot. I'm leaving a lot out, but you've already read this far and I'm sure you have better things to do today, right?

WEB - Amusing anecdotal stories with charmingly bizarre illustrations at Hyperbole and a Half.
Some great short fiction available at Brendan Adkins' Anacrucis/Ommatidia, also Alexandra Erin's Fantasy in Miniature.
My YouTube subscriptions include Mr. Deity, FPS Russia, Garfunkel & Oates, and The Peach, among many others.
You can check out my halfassed attempts to be artistic at the Art House Coop's digital library, or you will be able to once they get around to putting my sketchbook up. In the meantime, plenty of awesome artwork to peruse there.
I irregularly maintain a blag at I Can Bend Minds With My Spoon on Wordpress. Click if you like, but I make no guarantees about quality or sanity.

"with each pass around the circle, the inscriptions become more interwoven, her fingers moving automatically now, as if the spell is a machine that, once set in motion, moves inexorably toward its completion.
“I can perform the summons, but it will require a medium.”" -dreaming of dead gods, 11.18.2010
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
In no particular order:

1) The Rabbit Kama Sutra.

2) The Demon Kite.

3) BonBon von Gloomeater!

4) The number Seven.

5) The Purple Hat.

6) Stupid lists of arbitrary nonsense.

7) What? I just told you I can't do without it.

8) Lumi, my Curse Fiend

"For whatever reason I am trying to escape pursuit in this institutional building, as I so often am in these sorts of places. But this time when I get trapped in a stairwell, I have the magic doorknob, and use it to make a door in the wall of the landing and flee into…"
-fungus gnome, magic doorknob, hump lady, carrion kayak, 8.30.2010
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I used to spend a lot of time thinking about how screwed up our society's ideas about love and relationships are, and how much needless suffering they cause, and trying my best to enlighten myself and tear free of a lifetime of ass-backward social conditioning. Sometimes I succeeded, other times, not so much. But the struggle is important. I feel like I've reached a state of relative equilibrium on that front, at least for the moment. Or, I've just surrounded myself with people who don't constantly push my buttons. For now, I'm gonna call that a victory.

Lately I spend a lot more time wondering how we have things like WiFi, genetically modified foods (for better or for worse), and electric cars; and yet somehow we're still struggling with racism, gender inequality, homophobia, and why the hell do so many people still insist on following the advice of their invisible friend in the sky despite all indications that if said invisible friend does exist (against all evidence to the contrary), that invisible friend is clearly a complete asshole.

"We were led to an ancient railway running endlessly through the desert, and one by one we grabbed handholds on the rumbling traincar and held on for dear life. Even when the rail ran right down the beach and under the waves, we held fast, trusting in our instincts and protector spirits. The train carried us to the underworld where we bargained for our comrade’s release. The price was dear, but we had not come this far to fail, and we paid it."
-six short stories from the book of lethe, 6.24.2010
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Thanks in part to OKC and the cool people I've met here, I have a fairly full social life (at least compared to what it used to be). I still spend most weeknights at home, as I leave for work at too-damn-early-o'clock in the morning, but weekends are a mix of chilling at home with the PS3 and heading out on one adventure or another. Theater-Hikes at the Morton Arboretum, concerts or art shows or burlesque acts in the city, open mic readings at Top Shelf Books, gaming at one of Chicagoland's fine FLGS', or wandering in the woods somewhere. I like to catch Cirque du Soleil whenever they come to town, and I've been told Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind is a good time, so I'll probably try to see that. Really, I'm open to almost anything, provided there is a favorable confluence of available time and available cash for it.

Somehow, amidst the chaos, I never seem to get enough sleep.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I cry at movies sometimes. Not necessarily at the parts you'd think, though. I'm not ashamed of it.

I don't care for sports or beer, but I like breasts and violence enough that I'm pretty sure my guy card is secure (at least for the current commonly accepted masculine paradigm).

I'm a sucker for accents, especially Celtic ones, they make me all melty.

I'm somewhere on the poly spectrum, but still figuring out exactly where. I know that strict monogamy doesn't interest me, but working out how to be responsibly nonmonogamous is a journey I'm still on. So far, it mostly involves being honest with people, and that's working out pretty well. As a rule, I prefer casual relationships with people whose company I enjoy, and who enjoy mine, but who mostly take care of their own shit the rest of the time. I dunno what that is, but since I prefer communication to labels, it doesn't really matter to me what other people call it.

I'm pretty open. If you want to know something about me, just ask.

"Proxies (as we came to be called) were kept in cells not unlike jail cells, whether to protect us or to protect others from us was never certain. One of the side effects of channeling the Almighty was gradual and total erosion of personality." -Proxy, 7.3.2010
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You're the one doing the messaging, you tell me.

I'm not specifically looking for any particular sort of relationship. Setting your sights on one specific thing is a good way to miss all the other interesting opportunities that might come your way. I enjoy getting to know people and seeing what happens.

My monkeysphere is in pretty good shape right now. I have good friends with whom to spend my time, my money, and my thoughts. That doesn't mean there might not be room for you in it, if you're interested.

Only one way to find out. ^_^

"We are being inducted into the civilian milita. The Captain, a dour faced elven man, waves his hand over the floor and mutters an incantation. A portal opens, beneath which sits the Maw, an entity that was found in the catacombs beneath the castle. Like a magical garbage disposal, it utterly annihilates anything dropped into it. We are instructed to each drop something precious into it, to prove our devotion to the city. One by one we drop in books, trinkets, pictures of loved ones, etc.
He does not inquire or suggest, merely states “Only you will know the worth of your sacrifice.” When we have done so, he welcomes us, “Congratulations, you are now Shepherds of the People”, and hands us the traditional Shepherd’s Staves, not crooked like a real sheep-herder’s would be, but straight, with holes carved in one end to form a flute, used to communicate over distances and to blow piercing alarms. He waves his hand over the portal again and dismisses it, and we all relax slightly now that the Maw is no longer gnashing away at our feet.
It occurs to me to wonder how this man, one of maybe a hundred remaining elves, attained a position of such responsibility. Most elves are bitter, their ancestral forests having been leveled to build human cities, their magic enslaved to human ends, their people driven across the sea to strange lands. He has access to the Maw, and anything he wishes to make disappear will be gone forever. As Captain of the Shepherds, the protection of the city is his duty, but why should he want to protect us?"
-The Shepherds and the Maw, 6.20.2010