First of all, my name is Scott, which I suppose is only important if you want to talk to me, as opposed to ogle at my godlike physique while you touch yourself (I won't tell anyone). I've just recently graduated from a small liberal arts college with a degree in nonsense and buffoonery, and I fully intend to make good use of it (see my journal). I can sing, arrange music, write, dance, and make bizarre noises with my mouth that some people think sound a bit like drums.

If nothing has bored or horrified you thus-far, I'm sure I'll manage eventually.

Since OKCupid keeps nudging me like a fussy mother at a high school dance to expand my profile, here's an article I wrote years ago when I was still a fledgling writer of nonsense:

The Top Ten Misconceptions About Atheists

1. Atheists sell their souls to the Devil.
While I myself have tried many times to do so, I can never seem to contact the man. I imagine some Atheists must have succeeded in this endeavor, however, given the large amount of literature on the subject. If you yourself would like to give it a shot, I suggest finding a crossroads, preferably in a unpopulated area and playing a fiddle or guitar. This seems to work especially well in the South, I am told. However, banjo-players need not apply, as even the Devil hates listening to that crap.

2. Atheists eat babies.
Babies are an extremely expensive commodity, especially these days. For this reason, most Atheists haven't eaten a real baby since the fall of the Black Market for Babies. Some internet start-ups have tried to revitalize baby eating, but they can't keep the prices low enough for long. Today, most Atheists will only snack on aborted fetuses during our high holidays.

3. Atheists have horns.
This common misconception comes from confusing Atheists with rhinoceroses, elk, deer, or reindeer. Most Atheists haven't had horns since the early Cretaceous period, according to the fossil record.

4. Atheists engage in blood orgies on their high holidays.
While there is some truth to this myth, it is often the case for Atheists, as you will find is the case with most people, that there is never enough blood or women for a good blood orgy. Most Atheists stopped trying several centuries ago, when, as Richard Dawkins famously put it, "It became a total blood-sausage-fest."

5. Atheists plot to take over America, and then the world.
I assure you that our evil plans are not nearly so cliché.

6. Atheists want to kill God.
Atheists have long been engaged in a battle against The Justice League. At present, they have no interest in taking on any deity of any kind until they can gather together enough kryptonite to finally capture Superman.

7. Atheists can see in the dark.
While some Atheists have been found to have super-powers, such as controlling metal and boring college students, this particular misconception originates from the mistaken belief that all cats are Atheists. More on this in point 8.

8. All cats are Atheists.
While Atheism still is prevalent among house-cats, a large variety of religious diversity has recently been recorded by ailurologists (cat-anthropologists). Some cats have even been found to practice Christianity, although obviously not lions.

9. Atheists want to force their beliefs on the rest of the world.
Your average Atheist only wants the same things anyone else in this world would: super-powers, blood-orgies, the death of Superman, and a nice baby stew to come home to.

10. The entertainment industry is composed of Jews, Gays, and Atheists.
The obvious disproof of this misconception is Mel Gibson, who hates all three.

More nonsense can be found in my journal. Also, I'm pretty sure I just got the "More Mathematically Inclined" Personality Award because I have the numbers one through ten on my profile.

Shaking the magic 8-ball like an unwanted baby until it outlines a career path for me, or a way to make the ability to write silly nonsense look like a resume.

My self-summary (For Quickmatchers)First of all, my name is Scott, which I suppose is only important if you want to talk to me, as opposed to ogle at my godlike physique while you touch yourself (I won't tell anyone). I've just recently graduated from a small liberal arts college with a degree in nonsense and buffoonery, and I fully intend to make good use of it (see my journal). I can sing, arrange music, write, dance, and make bizarre noises with my mouth that some people think sound a bit like drums.

If nothing has bored or horrified you thus-far, I'm sure I'll manage eventually.

Seeming like an intellectual, writing, posturing, laughing, pedantry, rambling, a cappella, languages, obscurity, and falsifying profile information.

Either the black fedora I always wear when going out or the trained chimpanzee picking their pockets. I often get confused with someone tough, scary, or unapproachable. That might be because of my bass voice, or the horrific knife-fight scars all over my face.

I suppose this is the part where you find out if our tastes match, if I'm the sort of person who puts down Twilight or if I'm going to fill this section up with books I read in school to make me look more intellectual than I am. Of course, I could also put up a whole bunch of political nonsense like Bill O'Reilly, Anne Coulter, or Michael Moore to polarize my dating pool and weed out the ones who dare to think differently than me. Also important, of course, is if I load this section up with gangsta rap, meaningless dance music, or Bach and Mozart. Yes, those are all things I could do with this section, I suppose.

Right now, I'm reading A Confederacy Of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole; Fordlandia, by Greg Grandin; The Magician, by Lev Grossman; and Infinite Jest, by David Foster Wallace. If you have any spoiler-free thoughts, feel free to share them.

Also, if you listen to this: http://doubleslide.com/mp3/woolly_mammoth.mp3 and wind up saying to yourself "a blues rock tune about cavemen fighting woolly mammoths?! Fuck yeah," we should probably talk.

Nonsense, sarcasm, Blues-Rock, a good book, a bad book to hide inside a good book, and other things as well.

Morality, identity, story structure, humor, character development, nothing, idealism, symbolism, theology, literature, sex, politics, psychology, and music.

Not caring/being too cool to give a damn, living on the edge, sleeping off Thursday afternoon's hangover, jumping my motorcycle over small dogs, starting the sort of gang that snaps for no apparent reason as it walks down the street, replacing Dick Cheney's heart medication with ecstasy, halloing at a brouhaha, dancing on stranger's rooftops, skeet shooting at the "It's A Small World" ride, falsifying profile information, ether frolics, the usual.

Aggressive, intelligent women are quite attractive.

Humor is my language, my way of approaching the world. If this profile irritates you because it isn't serious enough, we would not get along.

When people take a look at my profile and never IM or send a message, I worry that there's something wrong with my profile.

You know some bizarre or hysterical bit of trivium, you're bored, Venus and Jupiter come into alignment on a Tuesday, you've just robbed a bank and need a place to hide the money, you have an interesting perspective to share on Homer's Odyssey, or you want to.