uh oh. a break up profile. nothing reeks of despair and desperation quite like a break up profile. you can almost see the wet eyes and quivering fetal form of the person promising that, "no. i'm cool. i've moved on, i'm totally emotionally available, and i'm not going to completely self-destruct when the wrong song comes on the radio."

While i tend to encapsulate myself in a never ending swirl of delusion, i'm not in the throes of that particular nightmare. i am very, very, very not ready to date. what i Am ready for is meeting awesome new people and making a fuck ton of friends who some long way down the road i might consider dating, once i manage to pull my heart out of my ass.

my last partner was very introverted, so now that i am on my own, it would seem that i have an alarmingly small number of people to hang out with. thus, my current mission is to find a slew of people, run them through my rigorous testing process, and keep the ones that don't bleed out or catch on fire.

i have a daughter. she's 8. she's amazing. she is so fucking weird.

I'm a special education high school math teacher. It's the best job i've ever had. It perfectly satisfies my desire for chaos and my pathological need to fix people.

in my current emotional space, i think i'm going to fill this box with a short, curt, raspberry farting noise.

there's a sneer in there too.

on average, a loud monologue of disconcerting similes, hyperboles, and non sequiturs (okcupid does not believe that is a word) proceeds me and batters everyone in my path. beware.

there used to be a joke about how there used to be a joke about jesus here. i then encouraged you to think of one of your own and say it loudly into your monitor. afterwards i proclaimed that we had now shared a moment. that part of the profile is gone now.

mind blown? moving on.

whenever i'm asked to list my favorite anythings, i get instant and extreme amnesia. this was all i could find while routing through the soggy cardboard box that is my mind:

books: imajica, the gunslinger series, shrodinger's ball, house of leaves, ways of seeing, takeshi kovach novels.
movies:scott pilgrim vs the world, watchmen, basquiat, what dreams may come, role models, observe and report, in the mouth of madness, 28 days later, brazil
television i steal off the internet: doctor who, dexter, game of thrones, it's always sunny, ru paul's drag race, spaced, mr. show.
music: nine inch nails, radiohead, the magnetic fields, bright eyes, ludo, girl talk, glitch mob, mux mool
food: chocolate milk is the antidote for unhappiness. the end.

i hate when i fall into cliches. everyone mentions their kids here, and i will as well, but immediately after i'm done typing this i'm going to push her to the ground and tell her she's adopted.

so yeah. my daughter. martial arts for the relaxation and the killing of my many enemies. a job, because too much free time makes me lose my fucking mind. conversation is a must. random purchases, usually food, to inflate the ever sinking zeppelin that is my emotional state, and my insulin pump. cause, you know, wilford brimley.

how to best navigate my life without everything crumbling, falling apart, or catching on fire.

this remains to be seen.

for as crazy as i may seem, i'm six times crazier.

just because i'm not looking for a date right now does not mean i'm opposed to messages. it would be great to hear from anyone that i amused them or somehow appeared interesting based on this terrible profile. and like i said, in seven hundred years or so, i just might date your face off.