Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
My fiancee and i are getting married in May! Shower us with gifts
and praise! Also, brace yourself for the fact that that is
basically all i am capable of talking about.
i am in a very, very happy relationship with someone who i believe
violates the laws of probability and karma just by existing. for
real. like what the hell?
what's weird about writing this is that since I'VE read all the
variations on my profile so many times, i feel like you have, too.
It makes me want to reference the old profiles as if you would
actually know what the hell i'm talking about. i have not decided
if i am or am not going to subject you to this.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
enjoying my relationship the way a person who is seeing the ocean
for the first time would enjoy sailing.
i have a daughter. she's 10. she's amazing. she is so fucking
I'm a special education high school math teacher. It's the best job
i've ever had. It perfectly satisfies my desire for chaos and my
pathological need to help anyone with any kind of problem within a
five mile radius.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
i've grown increasingly tired of this particular box. remember all
the shit i said in my other profiles? yeah. all that. christ.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
on average, a loud monologue of disconcerting similes, hyperboles,
and non sequiturs (okcupid does not believe that is a word)
proceeds me and batters everyone in my path. beware.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
there used to be a joke about how there used to be a joke about
jesus here. i then encouraged you to think of one of your own and
say it loudly into your monitor. afterwards i proclaimed that we
had now shared a moment. that part of the profile is gone
mind blown? moving on.
whenever i'm asked to list my favorite anythings, i get instant and
extreme amnesia. this was all i could find while routing through
the soggy cardboard box that is my mind:
books: imajica, the gunslinger series, shrodinger's ball, house of
leaves, ways of seeing, takeshi kovach novels.
movies:scott pilgrim vs the world, watchmen, basquiat, what dreams
may come, role models, observe and report, in the mouth of madness,
28 days later, brazil
television i steal off the internet: doctor who, dexter, game of
thrones, it's always sunny, ru paul's drag race, spaced, mr.
music: nine inch nails, radiohead, the magnetic fields, bright
eyes, ludo, girl talk, glitch mob, mux mool
food: chocolate milk is the antidote for unhappiness. the end.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
i hate when i fall into cliches. everyone mentions their kids here,
and i will as well, but immediately after i'm done typing this i'm
going to push her to the ground and tell her she's adopted.
so yeah. my daughter. my amazing girlfriend. martial arts for the
relaxation and the killing of my many enemies. a job, because too
much free time makes me lose my fucking mind. conversation is a
must. my insulin pump. cause, you know, wilford brimley.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
this used to say, "how to best navigate my life without everything
crumbling, falling apart, or catching on fire." and that shit
seemed like it would apply forever. basically the "mom" tattoo of
responses, you know?
amazingly, astoundingly, and absurdly, i mostly think about how
happy i am. i know. i'm baffled, too. did not see this coming.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
you know how all those assholes say "i don't have a typical blah
blah fuck fuck blah." i am not one of those assholes.
i'm one of those assholes. god damn it.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
for as crazy as i may seem, i'm six times crazier.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
so my fiancee and i are interested in people To be our aquaintances
with benefits. yes. i'm one of Those people. the scandalous
exploits of OhGodTheInternet continue. so, i suppose if you're one
of those people, too, we could pool our collective shame.
that is the best euphemism for sex i have ever created.
Who are you looking for?
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